To ask how i carry on now. Divorce/seperation

[Bippitybopityboo]

My husband of 10 years has left and im broken and i just need to know how i pick up and carry on.
I feel like i cant carry in, i didnt see this coming and im not going to be ok. We have 2 children 3 and 5 and I need to be strong from them but I'm not ok.

Aibu to ask where do i start? I didnt have 'my ducks in a row' i need to stop feeling sorry for myself but i just dont know how to carry on, i relied on him too much and now ive got nothing. Totally my fault i know but what now?

It will be ok, you are probably in shock, have you told your mum or a friend?
Practical stuff first...if you don't work you can claim universal credit even if you are still in the same house
Is the house rented or owned...
Get a solicitor...as much as people say it can be done without you need someone to fight your corner and make sure you and the children are treated fairly...that may mean you stay in the property or get a higher proportion of the equity.
I would also gather any financial info you can, ie wages, loans, debts mortgage.
You can do this, yes it hurts a lot but you are strong enough to make a new home for your children x

I think i am, thankyou for that advice i appreciate it so much. I cant get my head around everything i need to do i just feel so very sad.

I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

My advice would be to take a bit of time to get through the initial shock. Then list down all of the things you need to do. You sound really overwhelmed so breaking everything down into smaller pieces is helpful.

When things have been truly awful for me I’ve had to break down and plan what I’m going to do for the next half an hour at a time, so that I felt like I was achieving something.

Do you have a close friend or relative who could come and stay with you for a few days. Help out with dc and be literally a shoulder to cry on.

At some point the sadness will probably turn in to anger and there lies strength. But you do need to let the sadness come and it will come in waves. Get yourself a really good divorce lawyer. Someone on here made an excellent recommendation in that if you consult a lawyer then they cannot represent the other party. I have no idea what your financial situation is but some lawyers give a 30 minute free consultation. Get in quick with a couple of the best divorce lawyers in your area and decide who is best to represent you plus it stops your ex being able to use to them. Conflict of interest.

So sorry OP. You do need to get lawyered up so that they can take the strain of that side of things for you.

Making a list is a great idea. Get as much fresh air as you can.

Do you have a practical friend or family member you can trust 100%? Get them to come over and go through all paperwork so you have accurate info to give solicitor.

If you work, see if you can take some time off. Be honest with them about why.

Do you own or rent? What's your financial situation?

You can cope and you will come out of this a stronger woman

Thankyou, i have a very low paid part time job at the moment, we rent the only thing there is to split is 10k we have saved for a house deposit which i think some may have to fund the split so we both have furnature etc.
I have spoken to friends and family but all they want to do is tell me how awful he is for doing this but if he doesn't love me any more what can he do.
I start to get on with it and then i just feel really overcome and cry again. Hes still coming home from work to see the kids and is staying with a friend now, its just so hard seeing him i really love him still.
Its been 2 days since he decided he was leaving and I just feel like this is the worst situation of my life.

Have a look at this to see what financial help you could get

www.entitledto.co.uk/

What was his reason for leaving? Is there OW? How much does he earn?

Where is the £10k? If it is in a joint account then go and move half asap. Otherwise your “d”h could withdraw it all.

Its in my savings in my name. No i don't believe theres another woman. He has depression and he has said he jist feels disconnected and has fallen out of love with me a few weeks ago and he cannot carry on pretending now. That's it basically im devastated.

I appreciate so much the help and advice here i will use it, thankyou.

Wait, a few weeks?? And he's leaving? That all sounds very rushed and as if he's not really in his right mind. Please don't start handing over any of the savings, you have children to care for.
As a matter of urgency you need to apply for universal credit. Check what you are eligible for here,
www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

Ok firstly you will be ok!!! It's a shock, it's a bereavement of the life you thought you had, it takes time.

You need to takes steps to safeguard yourself and your children, every situation is different though so urgency varies.

However much it hurts you need to talk to him about practically how to go forward - is he moving out? Does he want to do cms directly with you in which case you can together go on the calculator on the website with his payslips and work it out. Stress this is an interim situation- a mediator can help you sort out longer term financials and access arrangements.

You need to register for uc yourself (he doesn't need to have left for you to register).

If there is any suspicion it could turn nasty I would ask a member of your family/friend to look after important documents like birth certificates and passports - this may not be necessary though.

Looking back you will realise how strong you were and everything was alright however many sleepless nights you have now.

Take care. We are here for you

Thankyou thankyou so much, as much as my mum and best friend are being amazing support for me theyre really angry and arent helpful with these things.

I am so angry at myself for begging him to stay after the children were in bed last night but Im so sad for the things we had planned

Im also worried about all afffecting the children our 5 year old in is really anxious as it is. I don't want this to have a huge negative impact on their childhood

Of course you begged him to stay! Don’t be mad at yourself for that. You stood together and made promises believing they were for a lifetime and now he’s going back on them. All you are asking is for him to keep them, and carry on with what you thought you were signing up to.
It may be that you have to come to terms with a different future now and that will take a while to get used to, but don’t beat yourself up for trying to hang on to the one you had. What kind of love just goes ‘oh, alright then’ in the face of such a massive shock?

You’ll get lots of practical advice here but also give yourself space to feel what you feel. It’s raw and like a bomb’s gone off but it’s all part of the process.

Have you told the children yet?

You know what? Small kids are really resilient. The fact of the separation is something they will adjust to. Mine were 4 and 1 when we broke up and the older one (he’s 19 now) always said he likes having two houses and two christmases.
The stuff that affects them is if there is consistency, and how the two of you communicate. There will be times you want to scream at each other and the children don’t need to witness that, but a regular dad routine and as little disruption as possible in terms of housing, school, clubs etc will keep them on an even keel.

If your Mum and friend are being generally supportive but not actually helpful - ask them for specific help. For example ask one of them to look after your toddler for a morning so you can register for UC and put in your CM claim

Yes thankyou i will.
I just feel a little blindsided by it all, and the christmas celebrations we planned etc it all juat filla me with so much sandness im constantly tearful. I wish i knew how long ill feel like this for.

Weve been trough a real rough path lately and he started medication for his depression 3 weeks ago but i didnt see this coming. Hes adamant he's leaving

I literally don't feel like i can carry on o felt so positive yesterday and today i jiat feel crushed again getting up and cracking on this morning has killed me im not going to be ok.

What happened this morning OP?

You can cope honestly. Is there someone you can contact in RL?

Are you still allowing him to come to your home to see the DC? I doubt that is helping to be honest.

Yes hes been here all evening it makes it so hard but i want him here too. Im just having a really tearful bad day i considered ringing the Samaritans earlier then felt so stupid i just feel so alone

First of all 💐 I’m so sorry you are going through this.

It’s not good for you if he is coming to the house every day, even if it’s so he can see the dc. He is staying with a friend? Can he take the dc there? He can’t leave you and then expect to hang around for hours while you are suffering. Maybe ask a friend or family member to be a mediator, a place where you can drop off dc so he can collect them and he can return them there for you to collect? That way you don’t have to see him for a while.

With regards to finances, it’s great that your 10k is in your savings account. Keep it there. Don’t give him any of it. Use it to pay your bills/rent etc if you absolutely have to. Is he supporting you or the dc since he left?

He said he will pay me the amount cms says he needs to pay. He cant take the dcs to his friends house but he has said he will take them out this weekend. Hes been really reasonable and i understand he shouldnt have to stay if he's very unhappy. Im just feeling so sad and weak at the moment i need to pull it together but i cant keep feeling like this when i wake up in a morning and it hits me i wish i hadn't woken up!

You are in shock and grieving. How you feel is perfectly natural.

Gather good people around you. Get some counselling so you have a safe place to vent and see your gp if you think you need too. I cried for weeks when ex left. Anti depressants enabled me to cope.

Get practical.

Apply for benefits
Go through bills and cut everything that isnt a necessity
Single person discount on your council tax
Contact set days and times. He takes the kids out every sunday ten until 3. Or whatever works
He comes to the house tues and Thursday to se bedtime. You take yourself out or stay in your room
You need home to be a safe place for you. And you don't need him coming and going it isn't good for your mental well being
Journal everything. Pour it out.

Cms for child support
Get legal advice if necessary
Move his £5k out of your account. You need to be under £6k for universal credits.

Start getting his stuff out of the way. Bag it up and put in the attic or garage

Treat yourself to keep bedding. Flowers picture frames anything that makes you happy

Eat and drink when you can

And be kind to yourself. This won't pass easily but it will in time because what are the alternatives.

So sorry you're feeling so low, op.
Can you see your gp and confide in them how you're feeling?
Phone the Samaritans if you feel like it- there's no stigma in
feeling down when you've have a shock like you've had.

This first stage of shock, grief and disorientation is truly horrible but it
does pass.
Write on here any time you're feeling low or just want to unload, vent, cry whatever - there's always someone around to hold your hand, op.