To think married friends can be more selfish than single friends?

[LemonKnickers]

I have quite a few friends. I am divorced and really don't want to be in a relationship again. I enjoy my life and don't want any more drama.
Lately I have noticed there is a difference in behaviour between married and single friends.
I am getting fed up with married friends that offload all their marital difficulties on me but then you don't hear from them when they are getting on with their husbands.
They don't seem to realise that living on your own can be a challenge at times.

From your example.. how could single friends off load to you about their husbands?

I think selfish people are selfish when they’re single, and still selfish when they’re dating or married. It’s the person, not the relationship status 🤷🏻‍♀️

I find most people pretty punishingly self-absorbed tbh.

What are you actually pissed off about here?

And why would you not want to be there for a friend, who is having issues and wants a chat?

If you're finding being on your own a 'challenge', that says more about you than your friends and their martial issues.

Well, do you try to talk to them about any struggles you have through being single? Do they listen and try to be supportive when you do?

@Cocomarine

I think selfish people are selfish when they’re single, and still selfish when they’re dating or married. It’s the person, not the relationship status 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely this.

I never understand why people seem to split it into single friends and married friends.
Are friends who are dating or in long term relationships different? Does something change when a friend who was previously living with a long term partner then marries them?

Surely a friend is a friend no matter if they are single or married.

I’d be hurt if my friend didn’t listen to my problems and vice versa, surely that’s what friends are for!

This is weird - if they are having troubles do you not want to hear them? Or are you so consumed with your own troubles that you just get resentful?

Have you tried inviting them out when things are going ok for them and do the accept? If people are only interested in you when they want something I find that too one sided and I prioritize other friends instead who are less emotionally draining and who seem to want my company not just a listening ear.

I am a very supportive friend but currently have four married friends on the phone all the time about their marriage problems as they seem to think you have more time to listen.

@LemonKnickers

I am a very supportive friend but currently have four married friends on the phone all the time about their marriage problems as they seem to think you have more time to listen.

Or maybe they think you’re a good listener?

Have they actually told you it’s because they think you’ve got more time?

I’d stop answering the phone so much if it’s (understandably) annoying you.

@Cocomarine

I think selfish people are selfish when they’re single, and still selfish when they’re dating or married. It’s the person, not the relationship status 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yup

OP I agree with you. I find some of my married friends unreliable. Mine get on with their husbands and have their companionship needs met. The relationship with me as a single women is not an even match.

@sessell

OP I agree with you. I find some of my married friends unreliable. Mine get on with their husbands and have their companionship needs met. The relationship with me as a single women is not an even match.

Is that not because of who they are, rather than just that they’re married? Flaky people are flaky.

I think it’s a bit unrealistic to think you’ll have the same relationship with a friend as they do with their partner.

I don't think you can generalise and put it down to being married or single. Selfish people are selfish regardless of relationship status.

My experience is that it is my single friend who is the most emotionally demanding, but I am willing to give more because she hasn't got a family at home to support her or offload to. If her life is going well, I hear from her less, but I don't take offense, I am just happy she is feeling good.

I've found since my divorce all my married friends seem more open to admit their relationship problems now rather than when I was also (seemingly happily) married.

I didn't open up about my problems when i was married and nor did they until now.

Selfishness didn't even cross my mind tbh

I think what you are feeling here is that they value your friendship during their difficulties and dispense with you when they are happy because you don't fit in with their coupledom. I totally get this.

Don't worry op, you have a lot of friends with marital issues. Statistically one of them will be single soon and then they too can be superior to all married people 🙄

I have a single friend who'd like to be in a relationship. She has 3 married friends who like to rock up to hers with wine, spend the whole evening whinging about their husbands and telling her she's so lucky to be single 🙄. Then they go home to their husbands.

So rude

Everyone has issues some small and some large and some so awful their lives are truly horrendous.

How much are they on the phone, to be honest I think people willing to listen the crap side of your life are true friends. Maybe you just don’t like them enough.

The most going on about their relationship status person I have ever known is my SIL, often single. I hated listening to her because I don’t like her.

I have one friend that can only see me when her husband is doing something else. When I phone her he listens and makes remarks about what I have said.

@PlanktonsComputerWife

I find most people pretty punishingly self-absorbed tbh.

Oh this^

@Joonio

I have one friend that can only see me when her husband is doing something else. When I phone her he listens and makes remarks about what I have said.

That sounds more abuse than selfishness

I prefer single women to talk to. Not all but many in relationships are busy in their cocoon so don't bother with you much.