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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my kids to open presents from family before Christmas?

102 replies

ALdc · 15/12/2007 20:53

In Laws will be away on holiday over Christmas so are coming to see DC this weekend before they go. They want DC to open their presents this weekend so that they "can see their faces". I don t agree with presents being opened before Christmas and have said no. Now getting the cold shoulder from in laws. DH while not being really bothered has said that if I feel strongly about it then its up to me and said that to his parents as well,he also told them they would not have allowed him and his siblings to open presents before christmas when they were kids.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 16/12/2007 10:11

I'm afraid I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. Why do you not "agree" with presents being open before Xmas? Does Santa deliver them all in your house - in which case I can see it might be confusing.

I don't see the logic of saying they can wait till after Xmas to open them (I think that will be a huge anti-climax) or opening them before - neither is on Xmas Day after all!

pinetreedog · 16/12/2007 10:19

If someone has gone to the trouble of giving my dc a present, I always let it be opened in front of the giver. The look on their faces is the biggest thank you they can get.

YABU

Original poster
ALdc · 16/12/2007 10:22

There are a few reasons why I don t "agree" with gifts being opened before Christmas.

  1. I think it spoils the excitement if gifts are opened here and there. As a child I remember being mad with excitement in the days leading up to Christmas and it was a really special and happy time.
  1. My in laws are extremely controlling people and if you give them an inch then it is like opening the door and giving them free rein. They will also be away for DS's b day next year so does that mean he must open his present from them early also. They are not retired - well off in fact. Also the no presents before rule is one that was always implemented by them for their own kids. I suppose if they were nicer people then I would try to be a bit more flexible.
  1. I am not dictating when the presents must be opened only that it can not be this far before christmas. Am quite happy for them to give the gifts afterwards.
  1. The presents will be very extravagant - as always and I am grateful but I don t have a great deal of money myself and I don t want this to be the highlight of Christmas for my kids, before it even arrives.

Thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:
TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 16/12/2007 10:23

We were given some vouchers for the dc's from dp's grandparents, we won't likely see them christmas day. We'll be going to dp's parents for xmas breakfast then coming home so dp said we should give the children the vouchers and let them choose the presents but I said no, the presents get chosen by us, put under thetree and they can call the grandparenst after or at least make the effort to go round a few days later and say thankyou.

So I don't think you are being unreasonable, but, are they going out of the country? if I wasn't able to call and thank as soon as they were opened then I might have decided differently.

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 16/12/2007 10:27

Ah. I did wonder if it was more about how you felt about your ILs!

Ok. You have already said that your DH has pointed out that they wouldn't have let him open stuff before Xmas so he can just re-iterate that point!

HonoriaGlossop · 16/12/2007 10:31
  1. It won't spoil the excitement. It's the coming of christmas day that is so exciting - no child would lose that just because they had already had one or two presents. I think you're worrying unecessarily on that one.
  2. Does this situation mean that it's pointless you asking if YABU???!!! If they are this bad and controlling then you just have to decide yourself whether you give in to them in any small way or not
  3. Again, I don't think it's up to you to decide when they're opened - just my opinion
  4. It WON'T be the highlight of their christmas - have more faith in them, kids are not that materialistic - they may love the gifts, great! But it won't take away one bit from the excitement of your family christmas because it's the day as a whole that is magical.
pinetreedog · 16/12/2007 10:32

You've onv made your mind up and there's no room to budge.

YA still BU though

Original poster
ALdc · 16/12/2007 10:36

Honoria, Don t think it was pointless me asking if I was being unreasonable. Doing so because I do always question myself if I have upset someone and dont just rampage about doing what I want regardless of hurt feelings. Just wanted an outside opinion so I could check. A lot have replies have given me something to think about.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 16/12/2007 10:38

OK AL fair do's.

BTW I do sympathise, it is difficult having very controlling family members and it can make your blood boil. On this occasion though I think your resistance to being controlled is misplaced - again, just my opinion.

Original poster
ALdc · 16/12/2007 10:43

Its possible that it is misplaced on this occasion with it being the season of goodwill etc but I have given in on smaller issues before re DC and before I know it I being ridden over on everything. DH family are Very Very strong personalities. Is not just about that though I do like DC to get really excited about Christmas and look forward to it. I never opened presents before christmas and it was just so much better. Think most things are better with a bit of anticipation.

OP posts:
Emprexia · 16/12/2007 10:52

I cant believe there are actually people who think its not up to the parents to decide when the kids get to open their presents.

Like i said earlier, christmas morning is for opening presents.. if you open them all before hand, whats the point in having a special "christmas day" - you've already removed most of the fun and anticipation from it.

HonoriaGlossop · 16/12/2007 10:57

Kaishay, you're projecting; no-one is talking about 'opening them all' beforehand, just one lot of presents from the grandparents. No-one is saying it's ok to 'open them all'. Why do people get outraged about comments that haven't actually been made???

SantaBeClausImWorthIt · 16/12/2007 11:19

ALdc - I don't think YABU.

If you are having Christmas at your house, then it is up to you how it is 'done'. I can understand that your ILs will feel disappointed if they are not there to see the presents opened, but it was their choice to have a holiday, and it does sound as if they want to have Christmas their way without considering what you may want to do.

And if they were the kind of family that didn't allow presents to be opened before Christmas then this is very hypocritical.

I would definitely second the suggestion of saving their presents until after Christmas, when you can get together.

I do think that Christmas is a special day for children (well, for all of us actualy!) and to open presents in dribs and drabs before the day itself does spoil things.

NKF · 16/12/2007 11:42

I'd let them open the presents. Why not? People like to see the response and staggering out presents is no bad thing.

miobombino · 16/12/2007 11:42

well, when/if I'm ever a gp, one of my rules to myself will be "Why am i asking this of my ds/dd/dil/sil...? Am i treading on parental territory ?"

if there's a chance of "yes you are" then i won't even be asking the question/laying down the law. On that basis, and yes it's a personal thing, it's AL's Ils who are being unreasonable and unpleasantlty sulky; they've had the offer of a post Christmas pressie opening, so should take it with good grace and not put their dil in this awkward position.

peanutbutterkid · 16/12/2007 11:54

I'm American and this thing about how pressies or cards have to be opened on the special day and ONLY on that day has always puzzled me (culturally befuddled icon). Spreading it out just makes sense, and the kids are def much more appreciative when it's done that way.

That said, I think AL's wishes should be respected by her inlaws, maybe you could film the children opening the presents so inlaws would still get to see 'the moment'?

NKF · 16/12/2007 11:55

Just read a bit more of the thread. Really this is a tug of war about controlling in laws isn't it? If it was a dear friend giving the presents, you might be more flexible.

Personally, I think you should pick your battles. It's beyond me why someone would want to be so controling over Christmas. That goes for you and for them. But I think wanting to see your grandchildren's faces is more reasonable and good natured than being stubborn about how things should be done.

I think children find it easier to appreciate presents opened individually. The great groaning pile of gifts can be a bit much.

ImBarryScott · 16/12/2007 12:17

I think you are being a teeny bit unreasonable, but their reaction is too.

9mo DD got her first ever Christmas presents last week, from her 10 and 8 yo cousins. Her cousins were desperate to see her playing with the toys that they'd chosen, and spent their hard-earned pocket money on. It was a real treat seeing their faces watching her face!

miobombino · 16/12/2007 12:18

I'd just add, the Ils have chosen to be away over Christmas...they shouldn't be so controlling !

bubblagirl · 16/12/2007 12:25

my dp parents dont live near us and we always open presents from them early week or so before

ther eis nothing wrong with this as they get to see the childrens faces and dc still get alot to open on x mas day

and i find watching there faces exciting when you have bought them something special

let them share that joy with them x mas is season of good will and all why does it matter if they open just a few early

i would never begrudge my il's the joy of it as they have taken time to choose something speacial and they are family after all

Scotia · 16/12/2007 12:36

My parents keep their presents to the dcs at their house, as do my in-laws. They bought them and they get to choose when to gve them. However, they have never given the presents before Christmas, it's just never come up as an issue. I can see both points of view here, and it's obviously more about the relationship than the presents.

AL has said it has been agreed that the gps give the children their gifts after Christmas, so I think either leave it at that, or if you're feeling especially charitable towards them, phone and tell them you've decided it will be ok for the dcs to receive their presents early. Unless of course there's any chance they have bought the dcs the same as Santa has?

elliephant · 16/12/2007 13:09

Ok if this was just an normal in law relationship I would say you are YAB very U . However given your explaination about your relationship with your inlaws I can see you are just trying to assert yourself and not being meanspirited. Of course being spineless myself I probably would have let them open the gifts if asked- I would be thinking of my childrens relationship with their grandparents not mine. My (nice admittedly) MIL has a sweet factory in her handbag and I have learned to 'let it go' and not confiscate the sugar booty until she has left .TBH I often think there are so many gifts on the big day that its good to stagger them, gives them a chance to appreciate them so your compromise is a good one. And theres no chance of your santa gifts been overshadowed then by granny's extravangaza.

FrannyandZooey · 16/12/2007 13:39

I understand why this grates especially as your ILs would not have allowed it with their own children. However by reproducing what they did with their family you are being similarly controlling and rigid. Save your battles for things that really matter - and yes, I certainly would let ds open his birthday present in advance if they are not going to see him on the day itself? Whyever not? I think it is really mean to deny a present giver the excitement and pleasure of seeing the recipient open it.

TodayToday · 16/12/2007 13:50

I think if it is important for your inlaws to see your DC open their presents then they should visit, with gifts, after their holiday and after Christmas.

WriggleJiggle · 16/12/2007 13:55

I can't believe so many people allow dcs to open presents before Christmas. I'd never really considered it before, I just presumed no one opened presents before the actual day. For me, if people want to see their present being opened they either have to see us on the day or give presents after Christmas.

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