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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still get upset at her shit?

37 replies

ldontWanna · 24/11/2021 20:00

My relationship with my mum isn't great. During my childhood i have plenty of examples of her being abusive .. mentally,emotionally,physically proper long story. SmileWe muddle along mostly by her saying stuff, me nodding along or whatever and mostly ignoring stupid/hurtful stuff. This is helped by the fact that we live in different countries and it's mostly calls . I haven't seen her in person since 2019.

I'm very aware of who and what she is and mostly made my peace with it. My expectations are very low and I know she'll never be the mum I want or need.

Today she was banging on about her career(retired now), that she was SOMEONE , her circle of friends .. the usual snobby stuff. Just smiled and nodded until she ended with "I got my promotion at 41, you still have time to become someone your daughter will be proud of."

I can't even yet put into words all the feelings and thoughts that exploded in my head. I know how ridiculous it all is. I know it's her not me. I know I'll never measure up. I know I'm not who or what she wants me to be. But still...

AIBU to know exactly what the situation is but still get upset/dismayed when she comes up with some of this crap?

OP posts:
Bellyups · 24/11/2021 20:03
Flowers

YANBU. She’s very lucky you still give her the time of day. You are a better person than me.

FYI, your daughter is proud of you

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 24/11/2021 20:03

Your daughter is already proud of you for being a good mum, unlike you with your mum. I would have hung up on her. Sorry you have such a crappy mum!

Stompythedinosaur · 24/11/2021 20:05

That is a horrible thing to say! What a shame you didn't say "Shame it is too late for you to become someone your daughter is proud of"!

MizzFizz · 24/11/2021 20:08

@Stompythedinosaur

Exactly.

OP, YANBU. You're very kind to maintain any relationship with her.

NeverChange · 24/11/2021 20:09

Sounds like classic projection "become someone your daughter would be proud of".

I think she must have some knowledge of that she isn't a mother to be proud of and instead of working on herself, she's putting it on you.

IMHO, things people comment on are the things they are most conscious of themselves. E.g. people who comments on weight gain are often obsessed with their own etc., people who continually comments on someone's singledom are more afraid of being single themselves etc.

BonesInTheOcean · 24/11/2021 20:09

Just smiled and nodded until she ended with "I got my promotion at 41, you still have time to become someone your daughter will be proud of."

Shame you didn't just say "and so do you"

itsgettingwierd · 24/11/2021 20:16

You aren't proud of who she is.

For the exact reason her priorities as a mum were wrong.

Your dd will be proud of you. For being a mum who is doing what makes her happy and being there for her emotionally etc.

IncompleteSenten · 24/11/2021 20:37

@BonesInTheOcean

Just smiled and nodded until she ended with "I got my promotion at 41, you still have time to become someone your daughter will be proud of."

Shame you didn't just say "and so do you"

I thought exactly the same.
Original poster
ldontWanna · 24/11/2021 20:45

I'm not even that bad, I don't think.

I left my country at 22 and moved to England with my measly savings, a passport, a suitcase, no official qualifications paperwork(for various reasons) and a shitload of issues.

12 years later, I have a long term good partner, a great kid, an ok job(minimum wage and quite difficult, but I'm good at it and I do enjoy it) and a tiny flat , but you know it's ours and we make do.

I'm not someone, I don't earn big bucks, people don't "know" my name but I think I verge on the side of ok. Definitely could've been a lot worse. Nothing to brag about , nothing to cry in my pillow over either. She knows I'm happy, and settled and my life is ok, she's been here and stayed with us for weeks on end.

Why isn't that enough?

I'm just having a pity party I guess. Apologies... using DD just really hit me. I know I'm not good enough for her and that's ok. Never considered I might not be good enough for DD.

OP posts:
Bubblesgun · 24/11/2021 20:54

Hey I dont live in the same country as my mum too for reasons similar to yours.

On that phone call, the only answer she needed to hear was “why? You think I am proud of you? No I want my child to love and respect me, and I want us to feel connected. Good day Mother”

You have to assert yourself and your choices. Do not let her bully you.

My new sentence with my own mum is “I am sorry you feel this way”.

Good luck

Bubblesgun · 24/11/2021 20:55

And you ARE food enough for your daughter because you DONT tell your child those crap.

DrSbaitso · 24/11/2021 20:58

"I got my promotion at 41, you still have time to become someone your daughter will be proud of."

"Shame you haven't."

Original poster
ldontWanna · 24/11/2021 21:04

@DrSbaitso

"I got my promotion at 41, you still have time to become someone your daughter will be proud of."

"Shame you haven't."

It's what I thought but I don't have the heart to do/say that. I do blow up sometimes but it's rare. I don't have it in me to deliberately hurt someone ,especially my mum. I know I can, I have plenty to say. I could make her cry, I could break her. It's just not me, plus the guilt wouldn't be worth it.
OP posts:
MouseRoar · 24/11/2021 21:08

The irony of her saying that to you, considering the relationship the two of you have. In other circumstances this would make you snort with laughter.
You are not your mother. You are plenty good enough for your little girl.
Don't let her inside your head. Judge her, not yourself Flowers

MimiBearrg · 24/11/2021 21:10

I know exactly how you feel, I'm sorry your mom makes you feel this way. I do just enough for my mom so that I can say, as a daughter,I've done my part.
Your mom's opinion of your relationship with your daughter is really not important. You are doing a job you were happy with, you're happy with your partner and your child and where you live. As long as you're happy that's all that matters.

Summerfun54321 · 24/11/2021 21:18

My DM has a narcissistic, manipulative mother. I am incredibly proud of my own DM for being a wonderful, supportive, caring mother in spite of her upbringing. To endure verbal abuse but not carry those traits down to the next generation, is hugely admirable. I don’t know anyone who gushes over their parents career achievements.

Passmealargewine · 24/11/2021 21:21

You sound like such a nice person & I know its easier said than done ( I have a similar kind of mother) but please don't take her words to heart. I bet you would never dream of speaking to your own daughter in that way & that's what makes you the better person. You have built yourself a happy life, you have built your daughter a happy life, that's a lot to be proud of. Anybody else's opinion of it doesn't matter Flowers

Original poster
ldontWanna · 24/11/2021 21:24

I don’t know anyone who gushes over their parents career achievements.

That's actually a good point. Maybe that's what I should've made my AIBU about. Do people actually feel proud or whatever over their parent's careers(excluding in the face of adversity scenarios)?

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 24/11/2021 21:28

My mother is a very difficult woman. My brothers, who very much have feet of clay, are beyond perfect. Every aspect of my life is up for criticism and passive aggressive comments. I am grateful for the day I read on here about going grey rock. I also find the phrase, said out loud or just in my head as needed, "yes mum , but I am not you and my life is not your life" is very useful. Shuts her down a treat.

Djifunrsn · 24/11/2021 21:43

Nobody needs to be "someone".
In fact, I think life would actually be worse if everyone knew who you were.
They just need a family to love, that also loves them.
Although you don't have that with her, you have it with your dp and dd.
Sounds like she is 70ish and still hasn't figured life out

Saskatcha · 24/11/2021 22:20

I found my mum really hard when I was a child and teenager. We never mention the past now (if she’s even aware) and for the most part it’s fine. She’s actually a really lovely granny.

Occasionally I see glimpses of days gone by and like you I always bite my tongue. I know she’d like me to care more about career progression, home improvements, dressing smartly etc but that’ll never be me. I figure she gets me how I am and takes it or leaves it. She chooses to take it so we carry on…

Original poster
ldontWanna · 25/11/2021 07:53

She's very materialistic and focused on looks , what people have (cars,education,houses,jobs) etc. I never was and never will be despite being raised like that and having it drummed into me. So we always clashed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ldontWanna · 21/12/2021 11:32

No point in starting another thread so I'll just keep whinging on here.

I sent her flowers for Christmas, I told her I was doing it in case she had plans or going out, and because she doesn't answer the buzzer/door unless she's expecting someone.

Rang today and she was absolutely fuming. They're late, the person that rang was stupid and annoyed her, she had plans , I'm so stubborn, it's too cold and they'll freeze, I never listen , it's a waste of money and so on.

I was just trying to be nice. I do love her despite everything and wanted to cheer her up (dad died 8 years ago so she's quite alone and the holidays are hard)and let her know I'm thinking of her . Plus she loves flowers and always moans she has to buy them for herself or points out how so and so sent this that and the other to their mum.

Now I just feel shit about it all... I wasn't even expecting thanks or anything gushy but all I got was a rant about how badly I fucked up and ruined her day.

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 21/12/2021 11:42

That’s awful OP, she’s a miserable old cow. You did a lovely thing and for whatever reason she’s acting like you did something rotten. Try to get her out of your head, and enjoy the rest of your Christmas Flowers

Chocciebiscuit · 21/12/2021 11:54

Op you are a good, kind and thoughtful Daughter, she is so wrapped up in her misery she is taking it out on you. the closest person. Keep remembering you did a nice thing she is too miserable to acknowledge it but don’t let her get to you, easy for me to say I know. Take care.

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