To still get upset at her shit?

[ldontWanna]

My relationship with my mum isn't great. During my childhood i have plenty of examples of her being abusive .. mentally,emotionally,physically proper long story. We muddle along mostly by her saying stuff, me nodding along or whatever and mostly ignoring stupid/hurtful stuff. This is helped by the fact that we live in different countries and it's mostly calls . I haven't seen her in person since 2019.

I'm very aware of who and what she is and mostly made my peace with it. My expectations are very low and I know she'll never be the mum I want or need.

Today she was banging on about her career(retired now), that she was SOMEONE , her circle of friends .. the usual snobby stuff. Just smiled and nodded until she ended with "I got my promotion at 41, you still have time to become someone your daughter will be proud of."

I can't even yet put into words all the feelings and thoughts that exploded in my head. I know how ridiculous it all is. I know it's her not me. I know I'll never measure up. I know I'm not who or what she wants me to be. But still...

AIBU to know exactly what the situation is but still get upset/dismayed when she comes up with some of this crap?

It shows how different your values are. Your mum is concerned with the appearance of achievement, I bet she's sniping at you for your partner, house etc too. It is a symptom of her insecurity, she's an unhappy person.

However, you have achieved so much. You love your partner and child for who they are not how they make you look. In fact you sound incredibly loving and even though your mother hurts you, you love her any way. It's hard but it isn't you, it's her.

You don't have to lover her just because she's your Mum. I think you aer subconsciously love with the mother youu've hoped that she will become. No amount of flowers is going to change that. She is passively agressively demanding gestures so that you are guilted into complying and gives her another reason to tell you how inadequate you are. Just give up and go NC or as near to NC as you feel comfortable with. She's going to call you out whether you send flowers so what's the point.

For what it's worth, moving to a different country, getting a job and setting up home is some thing to be proud of. I couldn't do it.

She sent a pic of the flowers and nothing else. At least they made it and they're pretty and not frozen.

I'm just angry at myself for being so so stupid. I know who she is. I've accepted that. Sometimes i just have these stupid ,deluded ,hopeful moments that we can have a normal relationship, that she can be a mum.Christmas is always kinda bad anyways because it brings up a lot of shitty memories .

Knock her on the head. If it wasn't a stealth brag about herself and her promotion it would have been something else.

If she wasn't complaining about flowers it would be something else.

It is always something else.

Believe me she says this shit like my own DM used to and then they move on and do not give it a second thought. When ever I tried to talk to my DM about the shit she had done or said in the past or more recently she just got defensive and attacked me further.

Your DM is jealous of your life and you just like mine was of me and mine.

@user1471538283

Knock her on the head. If it wasn't a stealth brag about herself and her promotion it would have been something else.

If she wasn't complaining about flowers it would be something else.

It is always something else.

Believe me she says this shit like my own DM used to and then they move on and do not give it a second thought. When ever I tried to talk to my DM about the shit she had done or said in the past or more recently she just got defensive and attacked me further.

Your DM is jealous of your life and you just like mine was of me and mine.

Yeah whenever I bring up stuff(not often) ... it never happened,she doesn't remember,it was a joke, she was stressed and the tears come on and if i think she was a bad mother that's my choice and she only tried bla bla bla.

I know .. I know. Intellectually and rationally I know all this stuff. Bar phone calls we have no contact and haven't seen her since 2019 because of covid. Emotionally though sometimes she just sneaks by.

And it fucking hurts. It still hurts. I'm a fucking 36 yo grown ass woman and I'm upset because my mummy is mad at me.:/

See now like a viper I would have said that I was still waiting to be proud of her!!

Your mum is awful and your daughter is already proud of you because you're nice and nothing like your mother!!

"you still have time to become someone your daughter will be proud of."

Unlike you. Bye.

You are more controlled than me, I wouldnt remain in contact with her regardless of whether she is your mother. I say this as someone who had to cut her own mother out of her life and is now so much better for it.

@ldontWanna

No point in starting another thread so I'll just keep whinging on here.

I sent her flowers for Christmas, I told her I was doing it in case she had plans or going out, and because she doesn't answer the buzzer/door unless she's expecting someone.

Rang today and she was absolutely fuming. They're late, the person that rang was stupid and annoyed her, she had plans , I'm so stubborn, it's too cold and they'll freeze, I never listen , it's a waste of money and so on.

I was just trying to be nice. I do love her despite everything and wanted to cheer her up (dad died 8 years ago so she's quite alone and the holidays are hard)and let her know I'm thinking of her . Plus she loves flowers and always moans she has to buy them for herself or points out how so and so sent this that and the other to their mum.

Now I just feel shit about it all... I wasn't even expecting thanks or anything gushy but all I got was a rant about how badly I fucked up and ruined her day.

That was a lovely thing for you to do and she sounds like she would just like to complain for the sake of having something to complain about. How awful it was that someone sent me some gorgeous flowers. She obviously loves attention seeking and just saying things for effect. She will never change unfortunately. Its easy for me to say but as as I say as someone who is now estranged from her mother, it can be the most liberating thing you can do.

You need to go over to Relationships and join the Stately Homes threads. I recognise all of this.

With someone like that you can't do right for doing wrong. If you hadn't sent flowers then she would have whinged that you never send her things, you send her the wrong things, you don't send flowers like she wants, etc.

My mum does the same bullshit gaslighting me about the past. She flat out denies all sorts of things, like the fact she stopped talking to me for 6 months once, and I have to go back and read old MN posts or messages to remind myself that it really did happen. I think that she can't reconcile the reality with her self-image in her own head.

Mine is also hugely insecure for her own reasons, so criticises me as she sees it as a way of spurring me on to do better. I spent years being an ultra high achiever trying to make her happy and nearly had a breakdown years later realising it would never be enough. She is the stereotypical pushy tiger mom parent who says stuff like "99%? what happened to the other 1%?" which has now become "I can't believe you're still not on 6 figures" with a disappointed look, also lots of offers to send me to a fat farm or pay me money to lose weight (I could do with losing some weight but I am a size 12 and exactly the same size and shape that she is, she behaves like I am 500kg). Now I just say "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you" and ignore.

She apparently gushes about me to everyone behind my back, so I get people telling me all the time how wonderful she is - literally no one believes me if I try to tell them what she's like. So I don't bother anymore.

As long as we stick to certain safe subjects, we are ok - politics, the weather, listening to her stories about her friends (none of whom I know anyway), family drama from before I was born.

But to answer the question in your original OP - I still get upset when she criticises me. I think I always will. It's just a reminder yet again that I was trained from birth to try and please her, and yet approval will always be withheld. The bar will always be yanked up a little higher...the carrot will always be just out of reach. I can say that I don't care if she isn't happy, but so far it's been 40 years and I still care a little. Not as much as I used to but still, a bit. I know all about FOG, I know about dropping the rope, grey rock, that she can never be the mother I wish I had, why do I care what she thinks. But like I asked my brother once - "how do you just stop caring?!"

Luckily she hasn't burdened the DCs with any of this - I think because they are male, she doesn't have the same nexus of anxieties and self-esteem issues to project. I am ever alert to her laying any of it on them though.

I sympathise with a difficult mother. Mine sounds similar to you, but only lives 5 minutes down the road.

What I've come to realise is that the criticism of you, the egging up of herself and all the other comments are down to her insecurities! It's really is not you, it's definitely her. No matter what you do or what you achieve, it will never be enough in her eyes. So, if you can, just let it go and concentrate on what you have achieved - which sounds like a lot to me!

Relish the distance between you, as it actually takes pressure off you. My mother lives 5 minutes away and has been very ill this year, in and out of hospital. She is very poorly, but she's also a hypochondriac, narcissistic drama queen! But she won't ever be able to say I haven't been there for her, because I have.

At some point you'll have to deal with comparisons of relationships between you and her, and you and your child. My 15yr old DD is the current hot topic . We have an amazing relationship, we talk about everything. But I've made it that way because of my relationship with my mother. And you're doing that too, so you're already exceeding her achievements where it matters the most.

@Xiaoxiong

But to answer the question in your original OP - I still get upset when she criticises me. I think I always will. It's just a reminder yet again that I was trained from birth to try and please her, and yet approval will always be withheld. The bar will always be yanked up a little higher...the carrot will always be just out of reach. I can say that I don't care if she isn't happy, but so far it's been 40 years and I still care a little. Not as much as I used to but still, a bit. I know all about FOG, I know about dropping the rope, grey rock, that she can never be the mother I wish I had, why do I care what she thinks. But like I asked my brother once - "how do you just stop caring?!"

Luckily she hasn't burdened the DCs with any of this - I think because they are male, she doesn't have the same nexus of anxieties and self-esteem issues to project. I am ever alert to her laying any of it on them though.

One of the reasons DD doesn't speak my native language was to protect her. She can still have a relationship with my mum, love her and be loved back without all the little barbs and comments .

She does moan every now and then that they can't understand eachother and I just think "That's exactly the point!"