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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult children/Rent

34 replies

CreakyKnees01 · 24/11/2021 13:12

My adult DD moved back home several weeks ago after she split with her partner.
I am happy to have her home but she also brought her young dog so it has not been without its challenges!
She works hard as a carer so not on a high wage
I'm not a high earner either. I am a single parent with one teenager still at home.
This morning I broached the subject of rent (to mainly cover the loss of single person discount on my council tax) and she has stormed out, very upset.
When she moved back, rent was vaguely discussed but as she had a big bill to pay, I said she didn't have to give me any rent for that month.
I have asked for her to start paying as of 1st Jan, giving her another month 'free'.
I asked for £250/month and to be honest, I would struggle to manage without any contribution.
So AIBU and how do I tackle this when she comes home?

OP posts:

theemmadilemma · 24/11/2021 13:15

Well if she wasn't in your home, she'd be paying for herself. As a working adult she has to understand that your bills increase when she lives under your roof, therefore she has to meet the difference.

My mum charged me 1/3 of whatever I earnt while I lived under her roof. There was no arguing it, I could pay or support myself elsewhere, but I needed - as an adult - to understand the cost of supporting myself. Its not a free ride to live at home.

nimbuscloud · 24/11/2021 13:16

Presumably she paid rent and bills when she was living with her ex? What was that costing her??

nimbuscloud · 24/11/2021 13:17

And I would also be telling her that she needs to behave properly - storming out is not acceptable.

LagneyandCasey · 24/11/2021 13:23

She sounds immature and entitled. I wouldn't call it 'rent' as such but a share of the bills. As a fully grown adult she should expect to contribute, especially as you really need it.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/11/2021 13:27

I'd be telling this immature, entitled brat that she can either behave like an adult and pay her way, or she can live somewhere else. You are being very generous and her behaviour is deplorable. Do not pander to her tantrums.

Original poster

CreakyKnees01 · 24/11/2021 13:29

She says she was paying a lot less when she stayed with her partner but I can't believe that the rent and bills was a lot less than £250/ month.
Her partner wasn't working for most of the time they were together she said she paid all the bills.
The inconvenience of having the dog here is huge which she doesn't seem to appreciate either!!

OP posts:

TotallySuper · 24/11/2021 13:32

@CreakyKnees01

She says she was paying a lot less when she stayed with her partner but I can't believe that the rent and bills was a lot less than £250/ month. Her partner wasn't working for most of the time they were together she said she paid all the bills. The inconvenience of having the dog here is huge which she doesn't seem to appreciate either!!

Well she's lying isn't she. I would sit down with her and say you need to tell the truth and stop with the attitude or you'll have to look for somewhere else to live. 250 per month is fair.

girlmom21 · 24/11/2021 13:36

If she was paying a lot less before, she should've stayed there and told her partner to leave.

Id recommend she finds somewhere else to live. £250 is very reasonable especially with the money you're losing.

HarrietsChariot · 24/11/2021 13:39

Out of interest how much is the council tax reduction costing you? You say the £250 is mainly to offset that, which implies it's more than £125 per month. The discount is usually 25% so presumably you were paying over £375 per month before and it's over £500 now?

girlmom21 · 24/11/2021 13:41

@HarrietsChariot

That's why she broached the subject, not why she chose that figure

SpindlesWhorl · 24/11/2021 13:42

Those are strange lies to tell to her own mum. I'd guess she's in a lot of debt because of the cocklodger she was living with and her 'poor choices'. Is she still liable for a tenancy agreement, is she still on the utility bills, how much debt does she have either with him or on her own?

Getting a young dog in her shoes was a poor decision. It'll cost her money, affect her ability to rent elsewhere, and require time and training from her that she doesn't appear to have.

And I think she needs to make up the lost council tax discount, yes, asap, and start pulling her weight and paying her way.

But if she won't even talk about it ... I think it might be tough love time.

Floralnomad · 24/11/2021 13:42

In your circumstances you are completely right and she needs to contribute .

lastqueenofscotland · 24/11/2021 13:42

£250 is more than reasonable. She pays it or good luck to her finding anywhere that cheap to rent

Notimeforaname · 24/11/2021 13:42

Christ almighty I dont understand this thing about adults now expecting everything for free.

Did she not pay rent in her last place ? Not that it makes a difference to now but might make it clearer why shes so angry at the prospect of paying rent.

I had to live back home as an adult. €150 per week and buy my own food and toiletries. How kind of them..I would be paying 3 times the price privately renting!

Does she not realise you are doing her a huge favour here, from the goodness of your heart??!

Original poster

CreakyKnees01 · 24/11/2021 14:15

Several months ago after the last bail out, I asked to see a bank statement to see if I could see where her money is going to try and help her budget but she didn't want to show me.
I can't keep bailing her out but I don't want her to move back in with him.

OP posts:

Bookworm20 · 24/11/2021 14:20

I think everyone agrees she should definitely be paying you rent. But how to tackle it is the question.

If she stormed off, could she possibly be in some sort of debt and not actually able to pay anything? and is covering that up by storming off in the hope you'll drop it?
If not, then I think the only way to tackle it is to explain to her that while you are very happy to help her out and would never she her in troouble, your costs have gone up quite a bit since she moved in (council tax, food, electric etc etc) and also you're finding it an adjustment for the dog, and you really need to have a contribution from her for both the bills and because she is earning and as an adult shouldn't expect to get this for free, unless she was really in some sort of financial trouble.
If she kicks off again, probably just suggest she find somewhere else to live.

SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 24/11/2021 14:25

If she can't afford £250 a month then she certainly can't afford the dog!

Aquamarine1029 · 24/11/2021 14:30

If you keep treating her like a child, she will continue to act like one. Stop bailing her out and stop allowing her to be so bloody disrespectful to you in your own home.

Original poster

CreakyKnees01 · 24/11/2021 14:32

No, she can't afford the dog and should never have got it but that's a whole other story!!
It's not the dogs fault and we're muddling along as best we can but I could weep at the state of my garden

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 24/11/2021 14:33

@CreakyKnees01

Several months ago after the last bail out, I asked to see a bank statement to see if I could see where her money is going to try and help her budget but she didn't want to show me. I can't keep bailing her out but I don't want her to move back in with him.

Yeah she's definitely got big debts.

Tell her the only way you can help her is with full transparency.

Original poster

CreakyKnees01 · 24/11/2021 14:34

Thanks everyone, I know the conversation needs to be had and I won't back down on this.
It's good to offload sometimes!!

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/11/2021 14:42

"She says she was paying a lot less when she stayed with her partner but I can't believe that the rent and bills was a lot less than £250/ month. Her partner wasn't working for most of the time they were together she said she paid all the bills."

Less than £250/month? Well that's a lie, isn't it? And lying to me would be the first thing we'd be discussing when she got home from work, no ifs and buts. No lies accepted. You're her mother and you love her but being lied to by her calls into question whether she loves you. Tell her that, and that you'll only accept honesty from her, that her lying to you hurts you and she shouldn't try to hide things because she's embarrassed (by her debts, her poor choice of men etc) or avoiding facing things.

"Several months ago after the last bail out, I asked to see a bank statement to see if I could see where her money is going to try and help her budget but she didn't want to show me. I can't keep bailing her out but I don't want her to move back in with him."

And that's the next thing to discuss. You've been bailing her out. Just how much debt is she in? She needs to be honest with you. And honest with herself too - to face how much debt she's in and why (your posts imply it's because of her partner). Don't be emotionally blackmailed into glossing over her finances by the threat that she'll go back to him.

And she needs to accept that you cannot bail her out financially again, you just do not have the money, especially when her return meant the loss of the single-person council tax discount. You can help her work out a plan, but you cannot bail her out.

If she's going to be part of your household she needs to contribute, not just benefit. She's an adult - so she needs to adult! That means paying rent, contributing to bills, not being a drain.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/11/2021 14:44

@CreakyKnees01

No, she can't afford the dog and should never have got it but that's a whole other story!! It's not the dogs fault and we're muddling along as best we can but I could weep at the state of my garden

Another way for her to contribute to the household is to clean up after her dog and maintain the garden!

TotallySuper · 24/11/2021 15:01

She needs to look at a better paying job and a bit of a life reset. She is storming off as she has her head in the sand and is probably hugely in debt. Getting over a failed relationship which sounds like was with a right loser. Sit her down calmly and say right we need to get this sorted out - stress it's not about money but about helping her. I reckon she'll burst into tears and come clean about her whole situation and then you can begin to help. Contact step change or another debt charity for advice if she is in debt. Help her consider better paid jobs etc and get her back on track.

DraigFach · 24/11/2021 15:01

At the very least she needs to be contributing to the extra cost incurred because of you losing the council tax discount, a nominal amount for extra electricity/gas/water and covering her food costs.

Frankly, £250 a month (so roughly £62 a week) sounds like a bargain to cover all that and it's certainly less than job seekers get so she should be earning enough to cover it. Your daughter needs to get her head out of the sand and contribute to the costs you are incurring because she's moved home.

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