To shake my sister and tell her she's being an idiot!

[Mostwonderfultime21]

Well I wanted to use a stronger word than idiot but thought It might get taken down.

Anyway my dsis is being ungrateful, awful and horrible to our DM.
Quick background Dsis has 2 children under 2. Struggles with anxiety. Has a dp and been in a long term relationship with them.
DM helps both of them so much. Babysits, goes round helps with housework. Our parents help them with DIY and so much other stuff. Dsis rings them and DM drops everything to be there. DM never asks for anything in return.
So here is the incident. Dsis partner has bad mouthed our DM. Dsis told her what he said, she then went back to her DP and tell them our DM knows what he said. So basically Dsis is stirring it up to get at her DP. This is not unusual of her tbh.
DM is extremely upset, crying and don't know what she's done wrong. The DP hasn't apologised to our DM. Dsis thinks our DM is being unreasonable because she won't really speak to her DP (don't blame her) and claims she is being awkward. So Dsis has now turned against our DM. Our DM has literally done nothing wrong.

Now I'm in the middle. I agree with our DM and just want to shake Dsis and tell her how ungrateful she's being towards our DM. DM is basically a counsellor to Dsis (not healthy me and DM know). Without our DM she would be in such a really bad place.
What do I do because if I have a go at my sister then eventually DM and her will make up and then I'll be left looking the bad guy. Or do I just be quiet?

My DM often calls me with issues around my sibling. I act as my DM’s shoulder to cry on but after getting involved a couple of times with sibling I now stay out of it. DM knows the solution is to distance herself from sibling but of course she can’t.

I can’t bring the stress/strain into my life and figure DM is an adult. It doesn’t stop me from being upset to see my Mother so so sad but I just can’t help anymore and every time I did try help it made things worse as sibling would go cold on me and that would upset DM.

I really do feel for you but I just think you’re better off out of it and support DM but nothing else you can do.

Dsis is learning valuable lesson of stop moaning to parents about partners as they dont forgive easily

@oakleaffy - I don't believe that the OP, the OP's Sister or her partner or the OP's parents were planning on shaking any of the children here. You're post is really not helpful.

The OP put in the title of the post that she wanted to shake her sister - i.e. make her sister see sense, give her sister's head a wobble to 'knock some sense in to her' but no one is suggesting that anyone actually causes physical harm to anyone in order to make that happen.

@Mostwonderfultime21 - If your sister phones to speak with you, my advice would be to start the conversation off by saying that you're not taking sides here and you don't want to hear her opinion on the matter and if she starts saying anything, remind her of that and say that you're now going to hang up on the conversation.
If I were your mum, I'd stop going around until they could both treat me with respect. Like a naughty toddler, you don't reward bad/rude behaviour so she shouldn't go around when they call her. She could say "I'll come around and help out when I get an apology from both of you, if there's no apology, I'll not be coming around to help you". The very least she deserves is an apology and I feel that the only way that will happen is if the OP's sister and partner are restricted by the OP's mother not being there to help them.

So there is a disagreement between your DSIS and DP about how to discipline their very young child. It is no business of your mother's or yours unless what they are doing is abusive.

Stay out of it.

@Kuachui

depends what disciplining means.... under 3s dont really need disciplining :S they need teaching and guidance, i think maybe ypur DS DP might be in the right here and both of them in the wrong depending on the context but your ds does sound ungrateful

Well nephew has been biting. And at terrible 2s so not listening to Dsis. My DM didn't mean being horrible just telling nephew it's wrong and not to do it. Whereas sis dp dismiss it and says oh well he will grow out of it. My Dsis has said she's tried to do naughty step but her DP will walk up and just pick nephew up from naughty corner and undermine her all the time.

There is triangulation going on here which is a very unhealthy dynamic. If your DM has an issue with your DS's partner, she needs to speak directly with him to sort it out. If DP has an issue with DM's comments on parenting, he needs to speak to her directly to sort it out. DS telling DM isn't helpful nor kind and your DM has passed the stress onto you which isn't fair. It's all a bit enmeshed and likely to lead to damage to your relationship with your DS. These are all adults and need to communicate with each other in person, not via messengers.

@IncompleteSenten

When you say you'll be left looking the bad guy, what do you mean? What will happen? Will your mum turn on you?

No my dsis not my DM. The family walk on eggshells around dsis. Its one rule for her and another for the rest of us. If you take too long to reply she will have a go at you but leaves the rest of us on read for days on end

@thumpingrug

You need to get some counselling, you have a massive chip on your shoulder.

How the hell did you get that from the OP?

@Switch82

My DM often calls me with issues around my sibling. I act as my DM’s shoulder to cry on but after getting involved a couple of times with sibling I now stay out of it. DM knows the solution is to distance herself from sibling but of course she can’t.

I can’t bring the stress/strain into my life and figure DM is an adult. It doesn’t stop me from being upset to see my Mother so so sad but I just can’t help anymore and every time I did try help it made things worse as sibling would go cold on me and that would upset DM.

I really do feel for you but I just think you’re better off out of it and support DM but nothing else you can do.

Yea I feel this is exactly how the situation is and would pan out

Biting at that age ummmm naughty step doesn't really work it's instinctive and fast.

Do you know what ‘chip on your shoulder’ means @thumpingrug? 😕

@oakleaffy

After being woken by an appalling Court Recording just now on LBC radio of a little boy sobbing “ No one loves me, no one will feed me” before being shaken Yes shaken to death by his wicked father and his girlfriend, shaking is a cruel and unnecessary thing. Never shake anyone. Not even your adult sister Nor even jest about “Shaking”

I don’t think I’ll ever get that recording out of my mind.

What happened to that little boy was awful. Shaking a young child can be dangerous. Shaking an adult is very unlikely to be dangerous. Being forbidden to joke about shaking is over-dramatic and ridiculous.

Your sister and her partner obviously thrive on drama. Therefore, I would not give it attention; ‘no audience, no show.’ It will likely result in a lose/lose for you.

I think your mum sounds to be incredibly emotionally and practically supportive towards your sister and her grandchildren. I think your sister has shown great immaturity and abused this support by not keeping their conversation about the boyfriend confidential. She’s told tales, probably in anger. If I were your mum, I would calmly sit down with my child and explain that whilst I’m happy to help out with childcare, I can’t be a free therapist if what is discussed and confided is repeated back to the partner. The partner sounds immature, their relationship sounds unhealthy so I think a gentle but firm approach is called for because the sister-mother line of communication needs to be open but also respected (and not repeated back to the partner). Your sister needs to grow up and understand that your mum wants to be supportive but she can only do this if confidentiality is respected. She and the partner also need to realise how fortunate they are to have this level of support from a parent.

In short, I think it’s for your mum to deal with. I think she needs to put down a few boundaries in a firm but kind and gentle way.