To shake my sister and tell her she's being an idiot!

[Mostwonderfultime21]

Well I wanted to use a stronger word than idiot but thought It might get taken down.

Anyway my dsis is being ungrateful, awful and horrible to our DM.
Quick background Dsis has 2 children under 2. Struggles with anxiety. Has a dp and been in a long term relationship with them.
DM helps both of them so much. Babysits, goes round helps with housework. Our parents help them with DIY and so much other stuff. Dsis rings them and DM drops everything to be there. DM never asks for anything in return.
So here is the incident. Dsis partner has bad mouthed our DM. Dsis told her what he said, she then went back to her DP and tell them our DM knows what he said. So basically Dsis is stirring it up to get at her DP. This is not unusual of her tbh.
DM is extremely upset, crying and don't know what she's done wrong. The DP hasn't apologised to our DM. Dsis thinks our DM is being unreasonable because she won't really speak to her DP (don't blame her) and claims she is being awkward. So Dsis has now turned against our DM. Our DM has literally done nothing wrong.

Now I'm in the middle. I agree with our DM and just want to shake Dsis and tell her how ungrateful she's being towards our DM. DM is basically a counsellor to Dsis (not healthy me and DM know). Without our DM she would be in such a really bad place.
What do I do because if I have a go at my sister then eventually DM and her will make up and then I'll be left looking the bad guy. Or do I just be quiet?

Some families have a very defined golden child (you) black sheep (your sister) dynamic. Golden children are very invested in not letting the parent down and losing that status.

If that rings true. It may to your sister.

Quite apart from anything else you don't discipline a child of less than 2!

You need to stay out of it. You say your sister is 22 with 2 DCs under 2 & mental health troubles? Why do you resent your parents supporting her as they do?

I don’t think you have a chip on you shoulder either
I would say you are in the right to say something, but if your Mum and sis will be weird about that when they make up them I wouldn’t bother with all their drama.

Sis DP should apologise to keep peace but really sometimes partners say something in confidence and it’s really your sis’s fault for airing it. But if neither of them will apologise and you think your Mum will get over it and they’ll make up and you’ll be the bad guy for calling it out then don’t bother.

@MrsTerryPratchett

And how is that OP’s fault if her sis’s actions are clearly bringing it on? Why should her caring about her mother being upset be a bad thing and simply a way for her to maintain “status”?

Maybe OP is just a caring person and her sis is just a toxic drama Queen. That happens all the time and given how upset her Mum is and the fact that her Mum helps the sis a lot there’s no indication she’s getting preferential “golden child” treatment.

I would stay out of it, for the most part. However, if your DM speaks to you about it then by all means give her your honest opinion of your DSis's disrespectful treatment of her, and if your Dsis asks you for input I would again be honest.

What I wouldn't do is go over to Dsis's house or call her telling her to apologise to your Mum. She's a grown up and if she wants to be shitty to your mum then that's up to her, and she can deal with the consequences.

Sounds like your sister is having problems in her relationship.
She will be back (crying) when she realises how much she needs your mother.
Your mother will feel sorry for her and help her again.

This will be a lifelong dance.
Don’t get involved, or open your mouth, just try to enjoy your life and be glad you are not them.

Sounds like drama on all sides. Keep out of it.

When you say you'll be left looking the bad guy, what do you mean? What will happen? Will your mum turn on you?

I think in these circumstances your mum is an adult and should manage this situation as such. This post has a nasty underlying tone to it as if you can't wait for your dsis to be told. Even if that's the case you should be involved except for helping your mum if she's crying without taking sides imo. If you don't like your dsis then leave her to it but as an adult and a mother your mum should be able to sort this in the way she feels appropriate.

You shouldn't be involved not should be*

@thumpingrug

You need to get some counselling, you have a massive chip on your shoulder.

🙄

Completely remove yourself from this drama and just let it play out between your DSis and DM.

This won't end well...
Read about the 'drama triangle'

You can’t fight your DM’s battles for her, only she can. When she comes crying to you, smile and nod.

You’re not in the middle but you are allowing your family to position you there. Practice not getting sucked into the toxic dysfunction.

I think the best thing here is to withdraw from the situation. Your sister will complain, but soon realise that she made this situation. They sound quite a toxic couple.

After being woken by an appalling Court Recording just now on LBC radio of a little boy sobbing “
No one loves me, no one will feed me” before being shaken
Yes shaken to death by his wicked father and his girlfriend, shaking is a cruel and unnecessary thing.
Never shake anyone. Not even your adult sister
Nor even jest about “Shaking”

I don’t think I’ll ever get that recording out of my mind.

It sounds like your mum could use this opportunity to draw some boundaries here around how available/responsible she chooses to be for your sister and her partner.

But she most likely won’t. So yes, look up the drama triangle and stay removed as much as you can.

Your mother should leave the sister and her partner to their own devices , they probably resent the “Help” in some way.
Adult children have to take responsibility of their own mistakes, and do their own DIY and counselling is far better done by a good professional than one’s own mother.

It doesn’t sound healthy, and it is likely everyone gets off on the infighting and drama on some level.
Stay well out of it.

So far this drama involves your sister, her partner and your mum as the pawn in their dysfunctional games. Don't let yourself get sucked into it. Carry on being loving and supportive to your mum but beyond that, don't get involved.

And don't kid yourself you are an objective bystander here. Your low opinion of your sister and her life choices sticks out a mile from your OP. If we can see then she is undoubtedly aware of it. That's all the more reason to stay out of this. Don't give her ammunition to say you and mum are ganging up on her.

@oakleaffy

After being woken by an appalling Court Recording just now on LBC radio of a little boy sobbing “ No one loves me, no one will feed me” before being shaken Yes shaken to death by his wicked father and his girlfriend, shaking is a cruel and unnecessary thing. Never shake anyone. Not even your adult sister Nor even jest about “Shaking”

I don’t think I’ll ever get that recording out of my mind.

No-one is being shaken here discipline at age two could be saying no and sticking to it your literally making drama over a remark there is no evidence to suggest anyone meant physical chastisement as a form of discipline

Your mom needs to step back and you need to stay out of it your sister is clearly struggling but if everyone swoops in dropping everything to rescue her she will never learn to cope so back right off be neutral and see how it goes

I'd say this is your sister's DP causing the issue; he is the one who contacted your Mum and didn't agree with what she said.
Sister shouldn't have repeated any subsequent comments to your Mum, but she did, maybe she was upset about the whole argument.
None of this is your business, you don't know who's misinterpreting what.
Your Mum needs to decide what to take notice of and what to ignore.
Your job is to support your mum by giving her space to let off steam, without getting involved your self.

Stay out of it. There are 3 sides to every story and you'll only hear two of them. Nobody ever gives the whole truth and you'll end up looking like the bad guy as they'll turn on you just as quickly as they turned on each other.

@oakleaffy

After being woken by an appalling Court Recording just now on LBC radio of a little boy sobbing “ No one loves me, no one will feed me” before being shaken Yes shaken to death by his wicked father and his girlfriend, shaking is a cruel and unnecessary thing. Never shake anyone. Not even your adult sister Nor even jest about “Shaking”

I don’t think I’ll ever get that recording out of my mind.

Um, as awful as that is, I’m not sure it’s relevant here.

Discipline an under 2? There is a lot going on here. I think you need to stay out of it or gentle suggest your sister reaches out to her HV for advice.