Teenage Daughter

MrsWashington · 2021-11-23T21:15:22+00:00

My Daughter is 13 and in Year 8. In the first year of high school she was well behaved and seemed to just have one friend. She wore glasses and was a little on the quiet side at school. Fast forward to Year 8, now wearing her contact lenses which has given her more confidence instead of glasses and a new friendship group. Three weeks ago she was swearing f**k off and such like. The week after I found out she had tried a vape she claimed she had one puff because everyone had tried it and she didn't like it. She keeps bringing friends home after school, do not mind if there is only a couple. I specifically asked her tonight not to bring anyone home as I had an appointment. She did anyway, around 6 of them. I telephoned her and told her to tell her friends to go home and she was grounded and not to leave the house as she just keeps doing as she pleases. When I arrived home she had gone out anyway even though I told her not to. I drove around and found her and made her get in the car and brought her home. I did end up ranting at her because I'm at the end of my tether with her. Am I too harsh or too soft? Shes my only daughter so I've never encountered this before.

LostForWords2021 · 23/11/2021 21:21

I drove around and found her and made her get in the car and brought her home

Perfect and let her know you will do this every single time even if you are in your pls, plopping your hair and bleaching your tash.

She knows she is safe at home and loved which equals respecting the home she lives in and her parents

SRS29 · 23/11/2021 21:23

OP sounds about right however probably would have been grounded before now for swearing. Also loss of phone for a while....good luck (been there, done that 🙄)

RedskyThisNight · 23/11/2021 21:23

IMO you're treating her like an 8 year old, not a teenager. You are going to end up pushing her away. I can't say that anything you mention is so terrible- yes teens swear (as do many adults, the key thing is to learn when it's not acceptable), they will experiment with vaping and they will want to spend time with friends. If you don't let her have friends at the house, she will just end up going elsewhere. Reasonable to aske her not to have friends over as a one off, but sounds like you disapprove on principle. You told her to send her friends away but refused to let her go with them - why?

You need to think about your rules and expectations and why you have them. With teens you pick your battles.

ragged · 23/11/2021 21:25

Why did you telephone her to say no friends...
Do you have a camera set up to see who comes in the house or did she text you to say she brought home 6 friends.

When her friends left then why did you punish her with the grounding?

icedcoffees · 23/11/2021 21:29

If you weren't home until six, what was the problem with her having some friends over?

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/11/2021 21:30

While she has misbehaved it’s very minor. You are in for a bumpy ride if this puts you at the end of your tether.

Teenagers are like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park movies. They will constantly test your boundaries and push against them looking for a weak spot. You did right by enforcing your boundaries, but tomorrow she will push another boundary. It’s normal, but these are hard years to be a parent. I have felt like tearing out my hair from frustration at times. They’re also ravenous like velociraptors who can clear a kitchen of food instantly...so get used to buying in enough food for an army. And they go from cute and tame to half wild a slightly scary at times, especially if you get into a row or verbal argument with them. .

So, parenting teenagers is about mutual respect and agreement. You can’t physically control them. So you have to get agreement from them when they’re in the wrong, and consent to any consequences because a teen who thinks a punishment is unfair simply will not comply. Your DD getting in the car with you is that consent...she knew she had done wrong and so obeyed you by choice.

Original poster

MrsWashington · 23/11/2021 21:31

@RedskyThisNight

IMO you're treating her like an 8 year old, not a teenager. You are going to end up pushing her away. I can't say that anything you mention is so terrible- yes teens swear (as do many adults, the key thing is to learn when it's not acceptable), they will experiment with vaping and they will want to spend time with friends. If you don't let her have friends at the house, she will just end up going elsewhere. Reasonable to aske her not to have friends over as a one off, but sounds like you disapprove on principle. You told her to send her friends away but refused to let her go with them - why?

You need to think about your rules and expectations and why you have them. With teens you pick your battles.

The reason being is because there was around 7 of them I never mind if there are just a couple.

I had 4 of them sleep over at the weekend, I had 3 of them here Saturday and 2 of them here Sunday. I wanted a night tonight with no children in. I dont think its unreasonable to ask for my home to myself for one night.

I text her today to remind her its someone elses turn tonight and not our house and she brought them anyway. When I asked her on the phone to ask her friends to leave as I had already told her no-one round tonight she point blank refused.

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NeedsCharging · 23/11/2021 21:32

I dont think you were wrong OP

Six friends in the house while you are not there is not something I would allow either.
Her recent behaviour of being disrespectful and doing as she pleases is what is dictating the level of trust you have in her and her new friends.
If she wants more trust then she needs to behave better.

Original poster

MrsWashington · 23/11/2021 21:32

@icedcoffees I never said I wasn't home until 6.

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NeedsCharging · 23/11/2021 21:34

Ahh I thought you were out.

Doesn't change anything though it is perfectly reasonable to not want a house full of children and it seems like you accommodate her friends regularly.

RedskyThisNight · 23/11/2021 21:35

I wanted a night tonight with no children in. I dont think its unreasonable to ask for my home to myself for one night.

But you weren't at home! If you don't want them there you ask them to go when you arrive back, but you have to accept that your own daughter might well choose to go with them. Or to get fed up of not feeling welcome in her own home and spend most of her time somewhere else.

Original poster

MrsWashington · 23/11/2021 21:35

@NeedsCharging I was out at the time she brought them home even though I reminded her today that I didn't want anyone in the house after school as I have had them over all weekend.

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Original poster

MrsWashington · 23/11/2021 21:37

@RedskyThisNight

I wanted a night tonight with no children in. I dont think its unreasonable to ask for my home to myself for one night.

But you weren't at home! If you don't want them there you ask them to go when you arrive back, but you have to accept that your own daughter might well choose to go with them. Or to get fed up of not feeling welcome in her own home and spend most of her time somewhere else.

You are taking that extremely out of context.

She is absolutely welcome in her own home as I have stated I have had her friends here all weekend, sleeping over too.

I said to her today no-one back after school today, there is a group of them, they come to my house the most, so I asked her not to bring everyone tonight.

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RedskyThisNight · 23/11/2021 21:44

You said in your OP "she keeps bringing friends round after school, do not mind if there is only a couple" - which sounds rather like you do mind. And clearly you'd rather she stuck to 1 or 2. Which means if she wants to hang out with a group - which is a normal teen thing to do - she's not welcome to do it in her own house. Laying down black and white rules with a teen doesn't work. Embarressing a teen in front of her friends will not make them more compliant.

Original poster

MrsWashington · 23/11/2021 21:47

@RedskyThisNight

You said in your OP "she keeps bringing friends round after school, do not mind if there is only a couple" - which sounds rather like you do mind. And clearly you'd rather she stuck to 1 or 2. Which means if she wants to hang out with a group - which is a normal teen thing to do - she's not welcome to do it in her own house. Laying down black and white rules with a teen doesn't work. Embarressing a teen in front of her friends will not make them more compliant.

Oh okay so it's reasonable for 6 teens to come in most days in your house is it? But when you ask for one night off you get told No and your teenager brings them in anyway?

Come on.

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Original poster

MrsWashington · 23/11/2021 21:50

@RedskyThisNight

You said in your OP "she keeps bringing friends round after school, do not mind if there is only a couple" - which sounds rather like you do mind. And clearly you'd rather she stuck to 1 or 2. Which means if she wants to hang out with a group - which is a normal teen thing to do - she's not welcome to do it in her own house. Laying down black and white rules with a teen doesn't work. Embarressing a teen in front of her friends will not make them more compliant.

I would prefer her to have only a couple in yes. Especially when they hang around in groups of 10-15.

But obviously in your house you allow endless amounts in because as you say 'they are in a big group'

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thumpingrug · 23/11/2021 21:53

This is just teenage behaviour. theres no magic wand and anything - and i do mean ANYTHING you do will make it worse. Wait it out, and it will get better. I found that my kids became reasonable again in their 20s. I spoke to my dad about it and he reckoned the same for me and my brothers. You should try talking to your own parents about your behaviour at that age.

zoemum2006 · 23/11/2021 21:53

Parenting a teenager is about mutual respect and she is not respecting you. It's not on having a massive group of friends over on a weeknight when specifically told not to.

I'd tell her that you want to treat her with respect but if she chooses to directly go against a very reasonable request then she will also have chosen to receive a sanction for that behaviour.

MushMonster · 23/11/2021 22:00

OP, you are right. You have been accomodating, there is nothing wrong with wanting a day of peace, and she should have respected this.
The vaping will concern me, a lot. Too young at 13! Precisely, following the group, same as refusing to tell her friends to go. She did not want to face the embarrassment to say no to her friends. But she needs to learn to do so, and stand her ground, and just say no thanks to vape, cigarettes, beer and the lot.
And if you say stay home, that means stay home.
I would ground her, and have a chat about her safety, and her not following the crowd, but thinking on her own accord, her health, and her respect for her family. That is what a strong mature person does.
God, it is difficult been a teen, trying to fit in, being a cool girl. But being mother to one, that is extra!

CJsGoldfish · 23/11/2021 22:08

OP, you are always going to have people telling you that teens "all do it" or "have to do it" or every other justification for lax parenting. Next they'll be telling you you should be buying her alcohol and dropping her off wherever she likes 🤣

I wouldn't be spoken to that way and I wouldn't accept such clear dismissal of MY wants. Completely ignoring you and doing it anyway is rude and defiant and not ok. So no, I don't think you are being too hard on her.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 23/11/2021 22:14

If she had her friends over while you were out I don't see the problem, just tell them it's time to leave when you get home.

traka · 23/11/2021 22:14

It sounds like your house is the go to hangout. I think it's only fair that the children congregate at other parent's houses next time

Where is the father?

MatildaTheCat · 23/11/2021 22:28

It sounds as if she’s fallen in with the ‘cool gang’ and being willing to host constantly is making her popular.

Set some firmer boundaries ( formerly known as rules). No more than one friend over during the week and gone by 6pm, allowed more flexibility at weekends but certainly not sleepovers every night.

She will get exhausted, they will start to fall out and it will all get messy. They are using your house this much because you are allowing it. You can still be welcoming and non embarrassing whilst keeping your home your home.

She’s new to this. Allow her her mistakes, compromise and listen but no, having a hoard of the new friends constantly in your house may suit some on here but I wouldn’t like it all the time. She may strop and sulk but that’s because she’s unsure of herself.

Original poster

MrsWashington · 23/11/2021 22:33

@MatildaTheCat I feel like you have hit the nail on the head here.

She has now being in the second year fallen in with a popular group. My house is the 'meet place' if you will were they all meet before they go anywhere.

I have been accommodating extremely accommodating were I have had them here all weekend with 4 of them sleeping over.

I was at an appointment this afternoon I text her to remind her and told her I would be in shortly after she was home from school but she decided to bring home 6 or 7 despite being asked not to tonight.

I was exhausted after them being here all weekend, cooking for them etc and they can get loud and silly. I just wanted a quiet night without a group of teens for once.

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Nanny0gg · 23/11/2021 22:40

Perfectly reasonable to have none in the week - when do they do homework?

And if you don't want to be feeding hordes at the weekend - also perfectly reasonable.

Do you think she might be being pushed into having them over? Whose house did they go to before?