to be upset about my neighbour's comments about my parenting?

[Autumn567]

I have a 15 month old and my neighbours love him. They have 3 adult children, but no grandchildren yet.
I am starting to get more and more irritated with them as they always take digs at me when they see me with him.

Here are some of examples of what they say:

• "Oh, he's thin. You don't feed him? "( which is bs, we feed him loads. Noone else has ever voiced concern about his weight and I even asked the childminder what she thinks. She thinks he is just thin and long like his daddy and is completely normal)

• "You don't speak to him. That's why he's so quiet. We know a 15 month old who speaks all the time" (again, another falsehood. I speak with him all the time and my son babbles a lot)

-"You don't look after him" (when he has a cold)

• "We hear him crying every evening now" (when he was teething)

"How could you cope being without your child? A mother always wants to be with her child" (when my husband took him away on the weekend once)

I'm getting so angry and irritated with them now. My husband just says I should ignore what they say and not take it serious. They never ever take digs at him though.

AIBU to feel this way?

I like the "Oh for goodness sake!" And an eye roll response. If they push, I'd give them the reply they deserve and tell them that you are absolutely not interested in THEIR views of YOUR parenting when they clearly fucked up with their own. "After all Betty, you were banned from attending you own son's wedding correct and now they're no contact? Clearly you don't know as much as you like to think about being a good parent"

I know it is hard as fuck to fall out with neighbours. And I'm probably being a hypocrite here as I'm building up to dealing with my nice but demanding favours neighbours. But mine aren't actively being nasty like yours are. Any bad feeling is caused by them. They are insulting you. You are absolutely not in the wrong for responding in the very same manner back.

@Autumn567

Outrageously rude. I would be ghosting them tbh. Or at least giving them a VERY wide berth. On the rare occasion my own DM or MIL made a throwaway comment, my DH gave them a short shrift. And occasionally I would say 'please stop! I know how to look after my own daughter.' Not in a nasty way, just a gentle scolding way... But like fucking hell would I be taking it from some random neighbour.

If you can't bring yourself to ghost or distance them - next time I would say 'I have to say, you really shouldn't be commenting on my parenting, it's really rude and makes me feel like shit, and we'll fall out if it doesn't stop.' Don't worry about being 'rude' or 'nasty' SHE doesn't care about being rude and nasty to YOU.

And people do have a point by saying 'just wave quickly, and run in the house and avoid them' but this is going to be hard to do long-term. I think it needs addressing. And if she gets huffy and offended and decides she no longer wants to be friends.. RESULT!

WTF is wrong with some people? Why do they think it's OK to comment on stuff like this?

Their daughter in law has fallen out with them and they weren't invited to their son's wedding. They always said to us that she was "not a good woman", but now I'm not so sure. Apparently their son asked them to apologise to his wife once, but they refused.

Yep, it sounds like it's more about her than the DIL. Like in most cases, where a MIL and DIL fall out, it is almost ALWAYS down to the MIL. Not saying all MILs are shit by the way, as I am one myself, and many are lovely, but of the ones who DO fall out with their DIL, it's often the MIL's doing, not the DIL's...

The MIL is always the older one too (and often much older like 20 to 30 years,) so she should have more dignity, decorum, maturity, and common sense, but I know/have known quite a few women over the years, with dreadful MILs, and in every case, it's the MIL's fault.

@Merryoldgoat

Why do people not just tell people to shut up when they come out of this shit?

THAT ^ is a very good question. And yet many people can't. Too scared of offending people I suppose. Many people are, whether they admit it or not

@lunar1

Fuck off is a complete sentence.

I would have a couple of stock phrases that I would respond with every single time.

"You have a lot of opinions about my parenting"
Or
"That's a rude thing to say."

Say wow - I can see why you don't have any grandchildren yet, if these are the kind of comments you make to parents of babies! See how they like a personal dig

@JovialNickname

Say wow - I can see why you don't have any grandchildren yet, if these are the kind of comments you make to parents of babies! See how they like a personal dig

This. ^

Also, I really do feel sorry for her adult children and their partners. Imagine having a MIL like her, who you just KNOW is going to have something negative to say about you and your parenting every fucking time you see them!

They’re from another country or culture, aren’t they? Sounds like some of the gems DH’s family members have come out with in the past. I just openly laugh at them and tell them it’s nonsense. Usually shuts them up.

That is absolutely appalling. I really feel for you that's definitely not on and next time i would say I'm sorry but I won't be able to continue talking to you if you keep making these comments as I'm finding it extremely hurtful

It's hard because you don't want to be aggressive, "Stop being so rude" but you also don't want to justify yourself because the implication is that means they have the right to question and that you have to defend yourself.

I think I'd go with some version of the MN tinkly laugh and, "Don't be ridiculous" in most cases. Or, at most, just "agree" without getting into discussion eg "Yup, tall and think just his daddy" or "Yup, teething's a bitch".

I'm not surprised they have difficult relationships with their own children. Our neighbour once spouted the whole, "I don't understand people who work long hours when they have children, don't they want to spend time with them". She may have been home a lot but she was NOT with her children, so none of us have been surprised by the difficulties they've had as they've got older.

@BestOfTimesBlurstOfTimes

They’re from another country or culture, aren’t they? Sounds like some of the gems DH’s family members have come out with in the past. I just openly laugh at them and tell them it’s nonsense. Usually shuts them up.

They are from India. I am white.

One of my best friends is Hindu and she's from Sri Lanka.

I asked her and she still finds their comments rude.

Echo what other posters have said. The comments are outrageous and you need to be direct with them. Do not worry about being polite because they are being extremely rude to you.

Are they of Indian origin but in the UK for a while, or recent immigrants? I assume the former if they have a house here in which case they are absolutely being rude to you. Even in India these types of comments aren’t considered polite but elderly neighbours can get away with being rude there as they are often needed for informal childcare / keeping an eye on things when you’re out.

In your situation I would just stop talking to them. Ignore them and don’t say hi, don’t let your kids stop and chat. You need to put them back in their ‘lane’

@Ozanj

Are they of Indian origin but in the UK for a while, or recent immigrants? I assume the former if they have a house here in which case they are absolutely being rude to you. Even in India these types of comments aren’t considered polite but elderly neighbours can get away with being rude there as they are often needed for informal childcare / keeping an eye on things when you’re out.

In your situation I would just stop talking to them. Ignore them and don’t say hi, don’t let your kids stop and chat. You need to put them back in their ‘lane’

They have lived in the UK for over 30 years. They came over as young adults. Their children were all born in the UK.

Their children are all well-adjusted, educated young adults. Their parents still aren't completely happy with them, because they rejected their arranged marriage suggestions and chose their own partners. One of their daughters also is engaged to a white man and I don't think they like that.

We never use them for childcare. We have our childminder or in emergencies a babysitter. The rest of the time we look after our son.