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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to go to my mum’s wedding

31 replies

Ualhsa · 23/11/2021 09:45

I don’t have a great relationship with my mum, it’s very hot and cold for various reasons over the years. She hasn’t made any effort with me in years, including during my pregnancy. Sometimes we get on well but this usually only lasts a few months maximum. I don’t particularly like her fiancé but if she’s happy I’m happy and I don’t really see him so it doesn’t matter what I think anyway.

Her wedding is mid February and I’m due to give birth mid January but I’m fairly sure I’ll be later than my due date (my due date changed at my 12 week appointment and the new date they gave me didn’t match my cycle tracking at all-which I had done religiously and was like clockwork). She’s bought me a bridesmaid dress that probably won’t fit because who knows what size I’ll be less than a month after giving birth?? And isn’t breast feeding friendly. I know I’ll feel self conscious and tired all day and I just want to be in my newborn bubble with my boyfriend before he goes back to work. She also wants me to leave my boyfriend and newborn and travel to the venue with her, and get ready at her house. It’s nice she wants to include me and I appreciate it but this is my first baby and I know what I’m like and know I won’t want to be away from him so young especially while breastfeeding. I’m also concerned about the amount of wedding guests who will inevitably want to touch/hold/get close to my baby, during flu season/covid, while he’s so young. I’m intending on keeping him really close to me and telling people no but I don’t want him to get sick.

I’m just worried about the whole thing really and wondered if anyone had some advice. It wouldn’t be so scary if it wasn’t winter and he wasn’t so young but I’m really on edge about the whole thing and not really wanting to go.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 23/11/2021 09:53

I would back out of being a bridesmaid and go from there. If you don’t have a role it would be easier to sit at the back or by a door or whatever. You’re also not under the same pressure to go if you don’t feel up to it.

Wanting to be in a “newborn bubble” is all very well and good, but realistically if you don’t go to your mum’s wedding at all (unless it really is impossible), you’re going to seriously damage your relationship with her. I would make every effort to be there for even a small part of the day to keep some sort of good relations on the table. Saying no to getting ready with her is totally fine. You can’t be expected to leave a very small baby.

Ualh · 23/11/2021 10:44

Thank you. I just know if I back out of being a bridesmaid or say I want to meet at the venue it will cause a lot of drama. She struggles to see things from my perspective sometimes and will only be thinking about how it’s her day and I should do as she wants

SexyNeckbeard · 23/11/2021 10:51

Well... It is her day... So she would be right in thinking that.

If she's shelled out for you to be bridesmaid then back out, repay her the money and go as a guest. You really do sound like you're lining up every excuse under the sun though. Presumably you've known about the pregnancy and the wedding for a while so this can't be coming as a shock.

PurpleDaisies · 23/11/2021 10:57

@Ualh

Thank you. I just know if I back out of being a bridesmaid or say I want to meet at the venue it will cause a lot of drama. She struggles to see things from my perspective sometimes and will only be thinking about how it’s her day and I should do as she wants
That’s better than not going at all though, and much more realistic. If you want to be a bridesmaid you could probably make it work but it sounded like you weren’t keen.

There’s a middle way between that and dropping out of the wedding. You might need to be firm with your mum about what you can actually make happen so soon after the baby is born

3scape · 23/11/2021 11:00

Definitely no to being a bridesmaid and no to time without the baby as you've no idea how you'll feel about that (and it'll probably be a no if they're very small). I'd make it clear if you turn up at all it'll be a bonus, these things happen. It's obviously not personal so just be honest. Your priorities are your own.

HeddaGarbled · 23/11/2021 11:01

It’s your mum. I think you have to go if you possibly can. But you need to make it manageable under the circumstances. So all three of you go up the day before and stay either at your mum’s or a hotel nearby. Your partner is in charge of the baby all day and can fend off over-enthusiastic relatives. Buy yourself something to wear on top of the bridesmaid dress for comfort and dignity, and just whip it off for aisle and photos. Also pack a reserve outfit in case the bridesmaid dress really doesn’t fit or gets bodily fluids on it, or just gets too uncomfortable.

3scape · 23/11/2021 11:02

I doubt this would damage a relationship? Noone getting married is going to be expecting the presence of someone with a baby under 3 months, unless they're a completely self obsessed dick!

rookiemere · 23/11/2021 11:06

Have you read the OP @3scape unfortunately the DM sounds about as close to your description as one could be.

OP maybe try approaching it from another perspective. Ask your DM how she felt after your birth, how long it took her to get her figure back and establish breast feeding. Say that you absolutely want to be her BM but you don't want to let her down, what does she think.

Basically make it all about her. Alternatively treat her as the adult she should be and say this isn't going to work and focus on your pregnancy.

Porcupineintherough · 23/11/2021 11:17

I dont think it's that self obsessed to think that your daughter might try really hard to be at your wedding actually, even if she has a small baby.
That said, I think there should be scope for changing how you attend and for how long.

ddl1 · 23/11/2021 11:33

Not going at all seems a bit drastic. Could you go, but step down as a bridesmaid?

Ualh · 23/11/2021 11:42

@SexyNeckbeard

Well... It is her day... So she would be right in thinking that.

If she's shelled out for you to be bridesmaid then back out, repay her the money and go as a guest. You really do sound like you're lining up every excuse under the sun though. Presumably you've known about the pregnancy and the wedding for a while so this can't be coming as a shock.

Not really sure how it’s every excuse under the sun, I’m just trying to be prepared and voice the concerns I have.
2bazookas · 23/11/2021 11:43

Just tell her your due date is being questioned/reassessed by DR and you can't face any additional stress . So you have decided not to be her bridesmaid and are giving her plenty of notice so she can find a new one.

Do not get talked round.

At this stage, you don't need to break the news you won't be at the wedding at all.. Save that announcement until the baby has been born .

Right now, all she has to deal with is sorting out her bridesmaid vacancy. Once she has the new BM lined up, the BM can help her with getting dressed at home. So your (total) absence won't be such an issue.

Ualh · 23/11/2021 11:44

Thanks all. I’ll let her know I intend on altering the plans for the day and won’t be staying longer than what I feel uncomfortable with. It would be a different story if we were close but we aren’t and she’s caused me nothing but stress and arguments over the years so I don’t see why I should be pushed past what I’m comfortable with doing. Thanks for all the helpful advice :)

aSofaNearYou · 23/11/2021 11:44

I agree with other posters, I would step down from being a bridesmaid but still go.

Is the wedding local? Personally, if it was, meaning I could go without being that long, I would probably leave the baby with DH to avoid all the stray hands as you say (because I really CBA with illness if I can avoid it, and would really benefit from the break from baby as well). But everybody's comfort level with leaving newborn babies is different so you might prefer to take them. The bottom line is, I would at least go to the ceremony to show willing, but it would be fair enough to duck out after that.

FriedasCarLoad · 23/11/2021 11:45

You could maybe look into baby wearing as a way to stop baby being touched and passed around.

At that age a stretchy wrap is fine. They aren't too expensive so you could find one in a colour to coordinate with your dress.

Ualh · 23/11/2021 11:46

@2bazookas

Just tell her your due date is being questioned/reassessed by DR and you can't face any additional stress . So you have decided not to be her bridesmaid and are giving her plenty of notice so she can find a new one.

Do not get talked round.

At this stage, you don't need to break the news you won't be at the wedding at all.. Save that announcement until the baby has been born .

Right now, all she has to deal with is sorting out her bridesmaid vacancy. Once she has the new BM lined up, the BM can help her with getting dressed at home. So your (total) absence won't be such an issue.

She has 3(?) other bridesmaids and a maid of honour so I think she’ll be ok without me. Wink
justmetoday · 23/11/2021 11:50

Sounds like you dont want to go and are making up a bunch of excuses.

JingsMahBucket · 23/11/2021 11:51

@Ualhsa @Ualh you had a name change fail.

Differentusername · 23/11/2021 12:08

I rarely comment on things on mumsnet but I had this exact situation when my first child was born. DS was two weeks late so I ended up travelling 200 miles to the wedding 9 days after he was born. I agreed to wear a bridesmaid dress for the ceremony itself but took an alternative dress that I could feed in. I was lucky that I had helpful parents in law nearby who agreed to come and collect us when it all got too much. It wasn’t great (there was far more cuddling/touching of the baby then I was comfortable with and a ridiculous moment when I had to feed him in a disabled loo with the bridesmaid dress round my ankles) but on balance even though it was hard if I was in the same position again, I probably would still go. It’s quite fun that my DS was at his Grandma’s wedding and extended family enjoyed meeting him. My Mum has mentioned since that she was disappointed that I wasn’t more involved and also that she was away from her OH for 10 minutes whilst we had a photo with her family and the baby (!!!) so clearly even though I went it wasn’t enough. Relationships can change over time though and if I hadn’t been there at all I think it would have been harder in the years after.

My top tips would be:

  • take an alternative outfit
  • consider baby wearing as a way of keeping the baby close (I hadn’t got into this at the time of the wedding but would definitely do it now)
  • try and identify some relatives you’re close to who can support
  • set expectations… ‘I want to be there for you but this is my first baby and I don’t know how I’ll feel. It might be easier for everyone if I go straight to the venue but we can see how things are on the day. I’ll bring an alternative outfit to change into so I can breastfeed more easily’
LindyLou2020 · 23/11/2021 12:12

[quote JingsMahBucket]@Ualhsa @Ualh you had a name change fail.[/quote]
Yes Ualh......You started off as Ualhsa, but now you are Ualh, so your posts aren't showing up highlighted.

billy1966 · 23/11/2021 12:41

That close to a birth you can't be committing to anything, so definitely better to say No to being a bridesmaid.

As your mother has caused you nothing but stress, I would suit yourself and focus on your baby and minding yourself.

Flowers
vitta · 23/11/2021 13:23

If she is a nice and caring person, she would listen to your concerns and respect your time with your first baby- not make lots of demands on you and cause drama if you set boundaries. I think you are right to anticipate that you will feel tired, emotional and potentially overwhelmed and vulnerable so soon after giving birth. Your mum should know that and respect that. I would tell her you can't possibly commit to being a bridesmaid or indeed being able to attend the entire wedding and will have to see what is actually possible when the time comes. Most certainly you will not be prepared to be away from your baby. If she gets angry or causes drama, honestly I would make up an excuse and not go at all- as you are definitely not being the unreasonable one and this would prove it all the more.

LowlandLucky · 23/11/2021 13:34

Back out from being a Bridesmaid now and then the day before the wedding tell her you have been pinged by track and trace

MzHz · 23/11/2021 13:36

@Ualh

Thank you. I just know if I back out of being a bridesmaid or say I want to meet at the venue it will cause a lot of drama. She struggles to see things from my perspective sometimes and will only be thinking about how it’s her day and I should do as she wants
LET HER CAUSE DRAMA! You don’t have to do anything that sounds like it’ll be a massive pita

So back out of the bridesmaid (it’s all for her benefit only, not yours) she was wrong to assume

2bazookas · 23/11/2021 13:37

@LowlandLucky

Back out from being a Bridesmaid now and then the day before the wedding tell her you have been pinged by track and trace
Bingo
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