To be upset

[flowersforyou]

Hello, I have private antenatal classes booked as the NHS ones in my area have been cancelled. My DH has been made aware of this and has known since September, my first class is coming up and he still hasn't arranged any childcare for his DS from a previous marriage.

AIBU to be upset about this, this is my first baby and it feels like we already have to compromise on everything and now it's the antenatal classes which are a big thing for making friends.

I have moved out of the area to be with him, have no friends. I am quite young and my DH is a bit older so I really wanted to join these classes to make lasting friendships but how am I going to do that when I will be on my own and everyone else will be with their DH's/DW's. I see so much about younger mothers feeling alienated at baby groups and I've heard the horror stories and it's just making me not want to go at all.

I just feel so down about it all, I don't feel upset for myself but I feel upset for my baby. It's yet another thing she can't have cause of circumstances.

Your baby won’t notice if he’s there or not. So I think you are being a bit dramatic about saying “yet another thing she can’t have”

The issue is you need him there with you. There’s nothing wrong with asserting your needs. You matter. You don’t have to frame it around “for my baby” for it to matter.

Well you have two choices, either you arrange the childcare or you basically nag him until he does it. I presume you have already talked to him multiple times about how important it is to you that you both go to these classes. He may feel its a waste of time for him as he’s been there and done that before with his other child. So you need to be crystal clear that you want him there for you, to support you and while it’s not his first, it is your first.

Does he prioritise you in other ways, or is it all one sided?
Don't be frightened of going alone. I would imagine there will be a mix of women alone, women with mums / sisters, women with partners.
The bigger question for me is are you lonely? Has he made an effort to make his family your family, his friends your friends? You've sacrificed by moving away from your support network when you need them the most. If he doesn't fill that gap for you, then you need to rethink your future.

Did you not choose which times to book together? Not a dig, it just seems you aren’t in this together. Have you discussed this with him, what did he say? or are you just sitting and getting upset about it?

Did you agree the dates together when you booked them?

We had my DSC every weekend when I was pregnant so we booked a course that ran weekday evenings so we didn’t have to worry about covering contact time.

DH was as involved with the pregnancy as if it was his first, there’s a big gap so he’d forgotten loads anyway. I’d have felt hurt and unsupported if he hadn’t wanted to do everything with me. I give over massive parts of my time, energy and investment to his kids, I expect him fully on board with ours together.

I’d caution you against high expectations for lifelong friends from antenatal classes. Only one of my friends had that happen. For everyone else, including me, the classes were useful and we exchanged a few messages after the babies were born then it tailed off. My best mum friend I bumped into randomly near my house, got chatting and swapped numbers and it was a natural thing.

Yes, we were on the phone together when I booked them I was reluctant to book cause of the cost and he said he will 'get his arse in to gear' and sort out dates with childcare.

Re DH friends, they're all single men and the one couple friend they do have are very close with his exw so don't really have many options with that. I don't have any friends now and I am quite lonely (I cut all of my friends off because they were only interested in borrowing money from me and not giving it back) it's just so hard to make friends as a young pregnant woman, I work remotely also so don't even have a chance to go in to an office for f2f interaction, maybe I am being hard on DH because I have too much riding on the classes.

Thank you for warning me not to have high expectations to make friends from the classes, that has actually helped I always put so much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly I didn't realise that not everybody makes long term friends.

I think you can change things here by adjusting your attitude/expectations. There's a mum in our baby (now toddler) groups who has never been accompanied by her husband as he works abroad a lot. She's younger than the other mums but is outgoing, friendly and probably has the most successful friendships and positive vibes out of all of us.
(I know this is easier said than done, by the way..)

I never even knew the names of the people in my classes. I genuinely think you want well be disappointed if you are looking for friends there.

Your best bet for friendships is baby and toddler groups who lo arrived. I never went to anti natal classes. I know others who did and have made friends. But it's more the women, the men don't seem to make friends there....not from my friend ship groups experience anyway

First you are right to be annoyed at your partner, he has to sort out childcare. Please ditch the expectation of Perfection. It doesn't exist and will make you put so much pressure on yourself, a baby needs a clean bum, full belly and know that they are loved. In terms of making friends I didn't stay in contact with anyone from hypnobirthing but made a gang of really good friends through baby swimming ( anyone up for a coffee after swimming, clap handies etc). If you can access classes after baby is born then could help increase your social circle. Is there any online birth groups ie babies due in + whatever month) Forget perfection, do your very best for your baby especially looking after their mothers mental health.

I thought I'd be friends with mine forever.
Didn't happen! Though exH came to all of the classes and they were significantly better for him than me.
If new DP and I have a child, I'll be booking them again because the info and advice was worth its weight in gold.
I wouldn't care too much about the other couples there in terms of making friends. It's really important that he is there for you and is around to learn a few things I guarantee he doesn't already know.
See if you can get a babysitter sorted ASAP.

I went to all the (NHS) antenatal classes on my own because my DH was at work. I got on with a couple of the women but then we moved about 50 miles away just before I had my DD so I knew absolutely no-one in the new area. When I was organised enough I started going to baby/toddler groups and met some fab people who are still good friends 15 years later. The friends I have who went to private antenatal classes (NCT?) are no longer in touch with anyone that they met there so I really wouldn't stress about it.

@freshflowers2

I think you can change things here by adjusting your attitude/expectations. There's a mum in our baby (now toddler) groups who has never been accompanied by her husband as he works abroad a lot. She's younger than the other mums but is outgoing, friendly and probably has the most successful friendships and positive vibes out of all of us. (I know this is easier said than done, by the way..)

Thank you, looking at these comments I'm really going to change my expectations. This is all so new to me so I must've been unrealistic, sorry for making myself sound so dramatic it's really nice to have an outside view.

I have Asperger's syndrome meaning that I really struggle to make conversation with people, make eye contact or tell their emotions, I then just end up saying something completely stupid and alienate myself. So I'm just dreading every part of when I'm on maternity leave to be honest lol.

I've got 4 children and can honestly say I don't speak to anybody from any of my antenatal classes. The friends I made were At baby groups and classes after baby was here.

Antenatal classes aren't good for making friends. Everyone avoided eye contact in mine. It was weird.

Oh dear. I’m afraid this isn’t his first rodeo. I don’t understand why young women have babies with older men who have already done it and expect the same “first” level of excitement. You’re going to have to go on your own and just make do I’m afraid. You knew this going into it. If you wanted all this stuff you should have picked someone your own age who hadn’t done it before. You can’t now be upset. You can still go and make your own friends. Be honest and tell them that you’re doing it on your own for support. I also don’t know why you moved from everything just to be with someone like this who isn’t going to do anything for you. You should never have to give up everything to be with someone. I don’t know why you did that.

My NCT friendship group is still going strong many years later, they are wonderful so you may make friends for life but if you don’t, don’t worry!

Make sure when you have the baby you get connected into local groups. Having a child is a great way to integrate into a community. Baby groups at churches are cheap and often plentiful, paid for classes like swimming, massage, music are also great though more expensive.

Don’t worry about travelling to groups of you can. If you have access to a car/bus then you can access lots of lovely groups. Join some on Facebook in advance of baby arriving and write a list of what’s on each day and where, that helped me when I was tired to focus on what I could do that day.

But yes your DH needs to arrange childcare as a priority

I didn't make friends with any of my NCT group. I genuinely thought I would but nope.

@nocnoc

Oh dear. I’m afraid this isn’t his first rodeo. I don’t understand why young women have babies with older men who have already done it and expect the same “first” level of excitement. You’re going to have to go on your own and just make do I’m afraid. You knew this going into it. If you wanted all this stuff you should have picked someone your own age who hadn’t done it before. You can’t now be upset. You can still go and make your own friends. Be honest and tell them that you’re doing it on your own for support. I also don’t know why you moved from everything just to be with someone like this who isn’t going to do anything for you. You should never have to give up everything to be with someone. I don’t know why you did that.

The pregnancy wasn't planned

I mad friends at my NCT classes many years ago. We have lost touch now but it was really nice to meet up for lunch at each other's houses for the first few years. It is better if you go as a couple as the husbands made friends too.

OP, you sound very vulnerable -- your DP not being able to attend NCT classes (or whatever) with you sounds like the least of your worries, if you've moved away from your support base for a relationship because of an unplanned pregnancy, and you have a history of exploitative friendships. Is this really what you want? Is the relationship sound? How long have you been together, and how long have you lived away from your support base?

Nct groups are a really mixed bag. I found it was a very circumstantial friendship - very intense around the first few months when most of us were on leave and babies being close in age meant we were going through similar things. As time went on I realised we actually had sod all in common. "Real" friendships formed between some of the women but I got on better with mums i met at a local playgroup. My NCT group was drawn from a geographical area that was too wide really, now 5 years on I'm much more friendly with mums who live walking distance away even if our kids are slightly different ages.

@AgedVellum

OP, you sound very vulnerable -- your DP not being able to attend NCT classes (or whatever) with you sounds like the least of your worries, if you've moved away from your support base for a relationship because of an unplanned pregnancy, and you have a history of exploitative friendships. Is this really what you want? Is the relationship sound? How long have you been together, and how long have you lived away from your support base?

3 years in December we have been romantically involved, I never really had a support base to begin with that's why I said F it and moved away, thinking I would magically make friends and almost forget I have a communication disability (very stupid I know) but I thought a fresh start would be great and my partner has always been supportive, especially at the start of the pregnancy when I was very ill and had a lot of bleeding. It was a very scary time but I just feel as the pregnancy is progressing and stuff is getting more real he isn't as bothered, maybe it's cause I don't need him as much? I don't know im just so miserable every day I think it's the hormones

I made some lovely friends through NCT.
But the closest friends I made was through the peanut app. It's like Tinder for mums.
I matched with people similar to me and pregnancy time wise.
We ended up joining classes together. It does take time but we are very good friends now.

I made some great friends through NCT. We started off as a group of 8 and 3 years on we're about to have a christmas dinner for 5 of the couples and their children. It was a great friend finder for me.

I've had the opposite experience (South East) as I haven't made one friend from baby groups - the mums round here just don't really seem to chat to others when you go to these so I've been really grateful for my NCT friends.