He's not feeling like a man..

[alliwantisabitofpeace]

AIBU I think this is not my problem? Or should I as his woman make him feel like a man.

We have been together 5 years I love him very much. He's a complex and sensitive guy. I admit I am probably on the autistic spectrum and I struggle feeling empathic of most circumstances and can come across cold hearted.

He's just (about a month ago) been made redundant from a job he really loved and its knocked him for 6 and is struggling to comes to terms with it. His confidence in every aspect has hit an all time low.

I'm really struggling being around him right now. I don't know how to help him. He's requires ALOT of physical affection and me not giving it to him is making him even more unhappy.. I don't believe that anything I can do I going to make a difference to how he feel as he's so down on himself.

What can I do to make him feel like "a man" if he's not doing anything himself?

When you say he requires a lot of physical affection, what exactly do you mean?

Are you trying to say that he's sulking because you won't have sex with him?

We have sex at least once a week.. We don't live together and see eachother 3 nights a week.. He's basically saying that as I don't initiate very often he doesn't feel like a man, wanted, attractive etc.. But I don't feel that even if I did do this it will make him feel anymore a man as his self esteem is soo low already..

I love him very much and I still fancy him BUT his low self esteem and unemployment is very unattractive to me!

He's basically saying that as I don't initiate very often

Have you changed the frequency, or is it only his perception of it that's changed since his redundancy?

I would really have no time for a man moaning about not “feeling like a man” and I agree with you that I don’t see how you initiating sex would change that anyway.

I find it a bit concerning / sad that you say you find him unattractive because of unemployment though. I would find a work shy layabout unattractive, but he sounds like somebody who had some bad luck and lost his job. If it really changes your opinion of him that much, then this is probably not the man for you.

Ouch. If he knows you feel he's less attractive for losing his job, I'm not surprised he's feeling insecure.

It's always been an issue in our relationship!

He wants to feel sexy, wanted, needed, attractive, desired and the only way he can feel like that is if I take the lead most of the time. He doesn't agree that I can find him attractive if I'm not initating some kind of sexual affection. I don't look to him to make me feel these things.. If I feel good about myself I feel them. My argument is that it's not my job to make him feel this and as his confidence is so low I could be doing all of that and it won't really make a difference. But maybe I'm just just being a selfish cow!

Sorry I don't mean unattractive (that was the wrong word to use) as in fancy him any less that's not the case at all he's spent more of our relationship unemployed than employed!

I was made redundant from my job last year which I loved so I understand how shit and hard it is but I just got on with it. He hasn't and is struggling and taken it sooo personally. I don't know how to be around him when his self esteem is rock bottom.

Listen to the Suzanne Venker podcast. You won't hear the sort of advice she gives anywhere else, take it with a pinch of salt but be open-minded and to what she's saying. I think about this sort of thing often.

Why has he been unemployed more than he has been employed?

If I'm reading this right, he claims that he feels "less of a man" because you are not actively and constantly initiating sex and/or making comments/gestures etc that demonstrate you find him sexy. I can't help thinking that what he wants is for you to be dropping to your knees to give him a blowjob as he walks through the door or appearing with dinner naked. in other words, to feel like a man he wants you to be desperate for him at all times. Not really very realistic frankly.

I sympathise with being made redundant. That is always hard. But I agree with you that being supportive and kind from your side shouldn't necessarily mean more sexual contact than you like or are comfortable with.

@PraxisandHypatia

Listen to the Suzanne Venker podcast. You won't hear the sort of advice she gives anywhere else, take it with a pinch of salt but be open-minded and to what she's saying. I think about this sort of thing often.

Because it's surrendered wife misogynist bs. OP do NOT listen to that person.

It sounds like he is telling you what he wants, and you don’t believe him?

Well, I'm not a surrendered wife and I'm quite able to listen to someone I don't entirely agree with and still pull out bits of info I think are useful. There's usually a kernel of truth on both sides of a coin, it's just about finding them and coming to your own conclusion.

What I'm hearing is that no matter how many times I tell him I still fancy him unless I make more effort to make him feel desired he's going to continue to feel low and unloved..

My point is unless he can raise his own self esteem and stop putting himself down I don't want to be all over him like a rash!

Or he's going to sulk and act like a twat unless you give in and give him more sex. Fuck that, he needs to grow the fuck up or putting in the bin

Women aren’t rehabilitation centres for men/mens egos. He needs to deal with his issues or you move on.

It seems to me you are a bit off him and to make things worst he is pushing you further away with his silliness. Of course low self esteem is not sexy. Do not stay if you are not feeling it.

I don't know OP. If he doesn't "feel like a man" - whatever the fuck he thinks he means by that - he needs to talk to a counsellor, or a body dysmorphia therapist, or his GP.

Nobody can make him "feel like a man" except him.

Or should I as his woman make him feel like a man.
Nope.

1. you are not "his"
2. there is not "should"
3. stop accepting responsibility for his feelings of inadequacy.

I was made redundant from my job last year which I loved so I understand how shit and hard it is

Did your redundancy make you "not feel like a woman" & did you start issuing commands to a man that he should now inititate sex more frequently because ... erm .. reasons?

No?
Try telling him that. Once. If he doesn't get over it ... ffs, dump.

He sounds like a right whingebag.

You are not responsible for his self esteem.

Actually he sounds coercive. He wants you to do all the work in keeping the relationship together, he has you questioning yourself about your ability to make him ‘feel like a man’ and when he swans off, it’ll all be your fault.
Interested to know if you’re helping out financially too?
By the way, I’m autistic too, we tend to be easily manipulated, and we are rarely lacking in empathy. I suspect you feel the way you do is because this isn’t the first time he’s lost a job.

Nothing. He's not a project and you shouldn't feel obliged to solve problems of his own making.

And you should never have sex you don't want, no matter how hard he tries to manipulate you.

No! Jeso run for the hills! You have good instincts and you are right it is absolutely not your job to make him feel like a man with sex. It's telling that he equates manliness with getting sex isn't it?

Sulky, unemployed more than employed, makes you the keeper of his emotional wellbeing (the other side of that coin is you are to blame for not doing the job well enough) and sexually coercive. No none of that is desirable or attractive in a partner, regardless of the positives they are all deal breakers for me.

The red flags are mounting up aren't they?

This isn't your responsibility