He's not feeling like a man..

[alliwantisabitofpeace]

AIBU I think this is not my problem? Or should I as his woman make him feel like a man.

We have been together 5 years I love him very much. He's a complex and sensitive guy. I admit I am probably on the autistic spectrum and I struggle feeling empathic of most circumstances and can come across cold hearted.

He's just (about a month ago) been made redundant from a job he really loved and its knocked him for 6 and is struggling to comes to terms with it. His confidence in every aspect has hit an all time low.

I'm really struggling being around him right now. I don't know how to help him. He's requires ALOT of physical affection and me not giving it to him is making him even more unhappy.. I don't believe that anything I can do I going to make a difference to how he feel as he's so down on himself.

What can I do to make him feel like "a man" if he's not doing anything himself?

He's a complex and sensitive guy.

Is that what you call it? I call it being a tit.

And you should never have sex you don't want, no matter how hard he tries to manipulate you.

This. He doesn't sound 'complicated and sensitive'. It's very simple and insensitive to coerce sex out of your girlfriend.

Have the sex you want, as long as the other person wants sex at that point. If he doesn't like it, he can break up with you.

@SmellyOldOwls

Are you trying to say that he's sulking because you won't have sex with him?

Yep, got it in one.

Prior to losing his job was he less needy?

Everyone goes through periods of instability that make us more vulnerable and needy. If we don't have the wisdom or experience, we can all act like stroppy children.

It's not your problem, but your relationship dynamics of one of you being naturally cold and the other needy when vulnerable is going to be making it worse. Ultimately we all just want to feel safe in the world. That doesn't mean submit to his neediness. Try and think of other ways to support him. Suggest counselling for instance.

If he's always been needy though, that needs some serious correction.

Get shot. Let him feel like a single man.

Honestly what do you want him for? He’s a hands on Harry who wants to paw you all the time and if you don’t initiate sex enough he thinks you’re not validating his masculinity. Throw him back, if he’s making you responsible for his feelings now you’ll be responsible for them forever.

Everyone goes through periods of instability that make us more vulnerable and needy.

Needy, yes. Sexually coercive, no. Wanting to have sex the other person doesn't want isn't OK. Sulking if you don't get it, also not OK. Manipulating the person into thinking it's them, also not OK.

I feel like this is Sex 101. Do people still not understand consent?

Women aren’t rehabilitation centres for men/mens egos. He needs to deal with his issues or you move on

Exactly @meatyryvita.
OP, you say "He's a complex and sensitive guy" so has he always been like this? What do you mean by that? It's unhealthy to look for external validation, it has to come from within.

@alliwantisabitofpeace

AIBU I think this is not my problem? Or should I as his woman make him feel like a man.

We have been together 5 years I love him very much. He's a complex and sensitive guy. I admit I am probably on the autistic spectrum and I struggle feeling empathic of most circumstances and can come across cold hearted.

He's just (about a month ago) been made redundant from a job he really loved and its knocked him for 6 and is struggling to comes to terms with it. His confidence in every aspect has hit an all time low.

I'm really struggling being around him right now. I don't know how to help him. He's requires ALOT of physical affection and me not giving it to him is making him even more unhappy.. I don't believe that anything I can do I going to make a difference to how he feel as he's so down on himself.

What can I do to make him feel like "a man" if he's not doing anything himself?

You're "his woman"? 🤮

This has been a problem our entire relationship.

He only wants sex if I want sex which is why him wanting me to initiate it is also important to him. I love having sex with him it's great BUT I have a low sex drive and until I'm put in the mood I'm not already there. He think if I fancy him I should be in the mood and wanting to rip his clothes off when I see him!

I love him and a do fancy the pant of him, the sex is great. But I'm done having this same argument. I don't know how we get past it.

Maybe it's time to accept you're not sexually compatible.

I think he's manipulating you and a lazy twat. Dump and move on.

He sounds like a total wet blanket. Thinks he has the right to be serviced with regular sex. Red Flag #1 - you are seen as an appliance.

But also that you are expected to boost his ego by making out that YOU are always desperate for sex with him. Red Flag #2 - feels entitled to appliance + upgrade. But what you actually want/feel doesn't seem to matter as long as you are putting on the correct performance.

Habitually unemployed. Oh dear. Red Flag #3.

A whinger and a sulker who things everything is someone else's fault (often yours!). Red Flag #4. People like this just suck the joy out of life.

He sounds really immature and hard work.

Despite what some people say relationships shouldn't be this hard.

I'd finish it, he's high maintenance.

This is all far too hard work.

Why is your joint sex life all your responsibility? He 'needs' you to initiate sex more often than you're comfortable with to 'feel like a man'. Even though you need him to initiate sometimes. He is putting all the responsibility for your sex life and his feelings on you, and not compromising at all or asking what you need from him to feel like you have a fulfilled sex life.

I feel like the redundancy is a red herring. What's he doing to take responsibility for his feelings, for your sex life and what's he doing to find out what you need and what's he doing to try and compromise and meet in the middle between his wants and needs and yours? Nothing, as far as I can see.

You say he is sensitive but it sounds like he is only sensitive towards his own feelings not yours. It also sounds like he is just another dick head who wants more sex irrespective of his partners wishes and wants to try and emotionally manipulate them into this

Sounds like he's rather enjoying the position of power this puts him in - it's always up to you to initiate and then he gets to graciously decide whether to grant you the gift of his lordly cock or not.
I suspect the reason this has ramped up is because losing his job has removed a bit of his feeling of power in his own life so he's escalating the power he gets from this relationship dynamic.

@CandidaAlbicans2

Women aren’t rehabilitation centres for men/mens egos. He needs to deal with his issues or you move on

Exactly @meatyryvita.
OP, you say "He's a complex and sensitive guy" so has he always been like this? What do you mean by that? It's unhealthy to look for external validation, it has to come from within.

Oh Jeeze I missed that stinking little gem @CandidaAlbicans2

OP - does this ring any bells? - www.muchnessmama.com/profile-of-an-abuser-mr-sensitive/

This relationship sounds exhausting and far too much work. A relationship is supposed to enhance your life, I can feel the life force draining out of me just reading about yours. Life's too short, end it.

Just a gentle reminder that you are not responsible for making him ok. I got past this with my exDP by leaving him. I loved him so much, and he loved me, but I was entirely responsible for his wellbeing and did not want to spend my life being someone else's regulator/fixer.

'Complex and sensitive' is sounding more like 'moody and sexually-coercive'.

Why is he so often unemployed?

Get him to look up a guy called Fidel Beauhill on Facebook - he runs a programme for men called Balls Deep, all about being a man in the modern world and feeling ‘male’ without the need to be controlling/domineering

Oh God, op. It sounds like you are tethered to an emotional black hole. How exhausting. Is it worth the effort?

@AgedVellum

'Complex and sensitive' is sounding more like 'moody and sexually-coercive'.

Why is he so often unemployed?

I imagine he is one of those types. You know, resentful and moany, never ‘appreciated’ enough at work or at home. Nobody sees all that they do blah blah. When in fact they’re just not so good at their job and create a negative atmosphere.