If a friend's child showed ASD traits, would you say something?

[IcyBlonde15]

I have ASD diagnosed at 20 and my son has severe ASD diagnosed at 2. A few of my mums friends/family members have since told me they always thought I was on the spectrum but didn't like to say. This always angered me a little because I wondered if someone had spoken up my mum may have investigated and instead of getting cross and frustrated with me may have found help that worked positively. Only now, I've been in the situation myself a few times and see its not that simple. A couple of friends children even in my untrained eye seem to be exhibiting a lot of red flags that led to both me and my sons diagnosis's. But I wouldn't dare say! I know it would likely just upset the parent. I remember my friends mother who was a children's nurse seemed to mention autism a lot to my mum, things like "oh Lucy up the road has autism," "My friends son has autism" and "Icy does have a very obsessive personality, would you agree?" and "I've noticed she seems to take a while to get used to new people" I think she said these things possibly in the hope that my mum would catch on, but of course it went over my mums head as she was convinced I was just difficult. What do you think the right thing to do is? Of course no one wants to cause any offense and prefer to say nothing but at the same time a child getting no support for their difficulties is heart-breaking. Would you ever say something, as it's in the interest of the child, or stay out of it, as its up to them at the end of the day?

I’d stay out of it. None of my business.

If a parent expressed concerns about their child, I might ask if autism had been considered as a possibility, but only if I was absolutely sure this would go down okay

Generally, I think it's best to leave these discussions to the professionals

No I wouldn't suggest unless asked directly.

I have with a very very good friend but only after she herself expressed some concerns / thoughts.

It is a very difficult conversation to have unprompted. Even as a teacher, it is always an easier situation when parents raise & recognise some concerns / questions for themselves first.

My friend’s son displays a lot of traits. Her husband would hit the roof if I even suggested it gently.

No.

No. It’s never received well.

Yes and I have. However, I strongly suspect the parents have autism too. I mentioned it when the mother told me about some difficulties she'd been having. I said something like "I'm no expert but is it worth getting him checked out for autism? It does sound consistent with it." Mother said it was completely unnecessary, she knew it wasn't autism, but like I said, I think she might have undiagnosed autism as well. And I somehow didn't feel I could say THAT.

She wasn't offended by my saying it, though.

I wasn't diagnosed with a physical health condition until adulthood.

I saw relevant doctors who only treated the symptoms, and didn't look for the overarching diagnosis even though there were several visible hallmarks and they were doctors covering the relevant speciality. They were a bit negligent IMO.

My parents knew I had the hallmark of the condition I actually had, but dismissed it because I didn't have another hallmark of the condition at that time (that came later). Plus - I kid you not - they didn't want me diagnosed in case it put the travel insurance premiums up

No one said anything, so I went undiagnised and untreated until I finally connected all the dots using google. It's not a condition that can be cured, but there are some treatments that reduce issues. As a result, I went through many avoidable medical episodes (A&E visits, one surgery), which in turn has caused everything from issues at work to worsened health.

I wish someone had said something to my parents.

If someone said it to me as a parent I’d be grateful, but I don’t think I’d be brave enough to say it to another parent

Should add that I was quite good friends with this mother...she certainly wasn't a stranger or someone I know only by sight. She's said a few times that she finds it hard to understand or connect with people but she felt comfortable with me, which of course I was glad to hear.

No. Stay out of it.
I have autism, my DC has autism but I wouldn't like someone coming up to me and saying that. Friend or not. It's not your business.

Please don't. A friend of mine was drunk and basically said she assumed I, and all my children are ASD. (Her son is and she places herself on there but has no formal diagnosis). It's actually damaged our friendship a great deal, because it implies a certain level of her pondering behaviours etc that feels creepy and over invested. It's not like she's ever asked me why I've done something a certain way, it's just based on conclusions she leapt to.

I wouldn’t. My DS was only diagnosed at 8 but previous to this a family Member who is a GP was very blunt and told me he was autistic. They had already told a lot of people but I wasn’t ready to accept it and I was very upset and resented them for ages. It took about another year for me to get him diagnosed privately by which time I realised how obvious it was but I wasn’t ready to acknowledge it. The parents probably know there are issues and may be ND themselves so just see it all as ‘normal’. Quite a few people had also noticed including other ASD parents in our community and some had mentioned it. It is such a difficult situation to be in for the parents and child and it really isn’t anyone else’s business.

I would have been happy if someone had agreed with me when I voiced concerns about my son from 18 months on and everyone single person would say "oh no he seems fine" which would make me feel worse. He's 6 and was diagnosed with ADHD a few weeks ago and has ongoing assessments for ASD which he will also most likely be diagnosed with.

Someone said this to me about my (now adult) child when he was a toddler.

As it happens, he does have autism but unbeknown to this person I had picked up on it already and was processing it emotionally while also seeking professional advice.

Her raising it with me really upset me as I wasn't ready to talk about it with anyone other than my child's father at that point.

I was polite to her but it still rankles more than 30 years later.

I have had concerns that my 18 month old grandson might be on the spectrum for about 6 months or so now, and because the signs seem to be becoming more apparent to me, I did decide to voice my concerns to her about a month ago and she did not take offence at all and it is now being looked into. Obviously my daughter’s family though, and we are very close. How close are you to your friend?

It's very difficult, isn't it. I'm a medical professional, and one of my children has ASD, and I suspect I have undiagnosed ASD.

My personal experience is that well meaning friends generally try to reassure you, thinking they are helping you feel better by saying your child is fine, just a bit of a character, children do things at different times etc. So I do think there can be a tendency to be falsely reassured by friends (and some professionals) leading to a delay in diagnosis.

And sometimes parents are the last to notice - I didn't notice my child's speech delay because I could understand them perfectly - it was a relative who pointed out that other people couldn't understand them (and that I was habitually repeating everything my child said to translate). I was very grateful the relative had said this, and speech therapy really helped.

However conversations about autism are really difficult. I did try to raise it with a friend once, to my knowledge they didn't pursue a referral, but we've continued being friends.

I guess the question is will you gently saying something be likely to help the child - their parent perhaps talking to their GP about a referral. Or will the parent respond badly.

I kind of did once. Someone I knows child was 'playing up' and I said my DD does that but it is due to her SEN and then the mother admitted they think their child might have to.

Yes I have said something twice. To my sister and a dear friend. Both I suspected the child has ASD (both have now being diagnosed). I have 2 children with additional needs (not ASD), but for both it was raised before we got to actual diagnosis.

My friend it was easier because it was more, “I’m worried he has traits of ASD but my DH and nursery are saying he’s fine, can I ask your honest opinion?”

My sister was more difficult and she was upset, but now says she’s glad I raised it, because the diagnosis process is so long (it became more obvious as child got older) and they have got additional funding and an echp in place before starting primary school.

It is difficult. I've been in this situation and I chose not to say anything. I'm not sure that was the right thing to do though.

I think it depends on the relationship tbh. I would with my cousins kids and have mentioned it in regards to her son. She was relieved as she thought something wasn't quite right with him too but was worried about saying anything for fear of having him labelled.

The way to handle it is like PPs suggested.

If the mother says she is worried about her child's behaviour to you, then state if you or your child exhibit the same/similar behaviour. Then add to the end of it but we both have ASD.

If the mother doesn't say anything about her child's behaviour to you, then don't bring it up at all.

Yes I would and have done. But then I'm autistic myself and subtlety isn't in my gift.

depends how its said. Some people say it almost as though its an accusation of being defective, and yet other people talk about it as just a normal part of life and neutral.
Depending on who it was, how close a friend it was, would determine whether i might say something