If a friend's child showed ASD traits, would you say something?

[IcyBlonde15]

I have ASD diagnosed at 20 and my son has severe ASD diagnosed at 2. A few of my mums friends/family members have since told me they always thought I was on the spectrum but didn't like to say. This always angered me a little because I wondered if someone had spoken up my mum may have investigated and instead of getting cross and frustrated with me may have found help that worked positively. Only now, I've been in the situation myself a few times and see its not that simple. A couple of friends children even in my untrained eye seem to be exhibiting a lot of red flags that led to both me and my sons diagnosis's. But I wouldn't dare say! I know it would likely just upset the parent. I remember my friends mother who was a children's nurse seemed to mention autism a lot to my mum, things like "oh Lucy up the road has autism," "My friends son has autism" and "Icy does have a very obsessive personality, would you agree?" and "I've noticed she seems to take a while to get used to new people" I think she said these things possibly in the hope that my mum would catch on, but of course it went over my mums head as she was convinced I was just difficult. What do you think the right thing to do is? Of course no one wants to cause any offense and prefer to say nothing but at the same time a child getting no support for their difficulties is heart-breaking. Would you ever say something, as it's in the interest of the child, or stay out of it, as its up to them at the end of the day?

I wouldn’t take offence myself but are you close enough to know that it hasn’t already been considered? We had a first go round with DS1 when he was not quite 4 which ended with a sign off of ‘he’s got lots of the traits but he’s very bright so will cope fine’ and are now going through a private process 5 years later because we want him to be protected if necessary when older…but my friends all know at least the first bit of the story. All depends. I certainly wouldn’t dive in with any of my DC’s school friends.

We had people suggest it about our son from a young age but we only considered it when his teachers flagged it up.
I found family/friends comments a bit annoying tbh as they know little about it, totally different when a teacher points it out to you.

It's tricky, because so many people see their child potentially being autistic as this terrible thing, and by bringing it up it's almost like you are criticizing their child. And you often cannot tell what attitudes people will have towards it.

Personally I believe that if an autistic child has got well into school years without any kind of diagnosis then they're probably fairly low need, and their parents may need help spotting it especially if - as already mentioned - they have other people telling them their child is fine. They may also need a push to do something about it.

I have said things once or twice to parents but only people I know well and whose children are clearly struggling.

I'm in this position right now. I have an autistic son. I also work in a professional capacity with autistic people.
My friends nephew is nearly 3, not speaking, does not make eye contact, hand flaps and lives in a (what looks to be happy) world of his own. I've gently ad I could raised things a few times - speech, similarities to my son etc- and been very sharply rebuked that "he's just a boy" etc etc. So I've given up. But I can see this boy could flourish with a little more adaptation to his environment and routine and it is heartbreaking to watch him struggle.

I wouldn't say anything unless the parent showed concerns

Although one of my sons has asd and I'd not have been offended if anyone had ever suggested it, especially as I'd had concerns myself since he was a year old