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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how many big irresolvable problems...

33 replies

Needspace21 · 22/11/2021 10:06

... you have in your life at the moment? Ones you've had for a while and just don't know how to solve.
I have three significant ones.
It looks like everyone else breezes through life without big irresolvable issues plaguing them but perhaps that's just how it seems on the surface?

OP posts:
nannybeach · 22/11/2021 10:08

We've all got them, trust me

DraigFach · 22/11/2021 10:31

Mine are literally not solvable, parent dying of degenerative disease being the one that's causing the most issues whilst the other big 5 threaten to drown me on a daily basis.

But outside of my small circle no one knows what's happening, I'm turning up to work and playing my part, I'm being friendly on the school run and at my children's sporting events/training.

Telling other people solves nothing, all it does is increases the amount of times you need to keep talking about things that constrict your chest just thinking about them so faking it is the easiest way to remain functional.

You'd be surprised how many of the "breezes through life" people you know are feeling the same as you.

Twillow · 22/11/2021 10:36

Money issues.
Child MH issues.
Ex-husband issues.

LuckyAmy1986 · 22/11/2021 10:41

Telling other people solves nothing, all it does is increases the amount of times you need to keep talking about things that constrict your chest just thinking about them so faking it is the easiest way to remain functional

this. You never know what's going on behind closed doors.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 22/11/2021 11:27

I've got at least three major and dozens of minor ones. It causes conflict with DP as DP wants to plan for everything or else listen to some nasal American pontificating on Youtube about any given issue.

Original poster
Needspace21 · 22/11/2021 14:49

Thanks for the replies. So is everyone acting OK do you think?

OP posts:
whereismyhappyplace · 22/11/2021 14:59

I think it's relatively rare to find people who don't have 'something' on their mind, if you scratch the surface there's usually some issue or another bothering them, but most day to day interactions wouldn't involve baring your soul so most of us look ok on the outside.

Liz1tummypain · 22/11/2021 15:03

I expect most people have between 2 and 5 big ones. Mine are can't get a job, my mum has dementia and our neighbours hate our guts and are determined to make our lives hell, ( their words).

steppemum · 22/11/2021 15:08

I consider myself to be lucky, I do not have many what I would call big issues going on, ie relatively calm happy marriage, settled, decent house jobs etc.

and yet I have 2 big issues
child MH x 2
money.

For the most part, day by day, I get on with life. Not faking it exactly, just getting on with daily stuff. You can still laugh at the little things.

But then life hits you in the face again, like last week, all going along normally and then child's MH collapsed and my whole weekend has been spent with them.
walk on Monday is business as usual.

Fl0w3ry · 22/11/2021 15:13

I have 5 that will never be solved that impact large parts of my life. One of the problems will shorten my life.
People outside of my home think I’m one of those happy people - I have even had comments like ‘what would you know about problems, you have no problems’. People have no idea. A lot of people have huge problems behind their smiles.

Thelnebriati · 22/11/2021 15:23

I've got 3 big ones; money, bad health, and unemployment. I don't cope so well that people don't notice any more, I've got no reserves left and every so often I get snowed under and have to retreat to recover.
Realistically I don't see how I'll ever work again; but if I can't find suitable work I'll never sort out the money problems. Money would make life a lot more bearable, but can't completely fix my health as not all the conditions I have are treatable.

2bazookas · 22/11/2021 15:29

Of course everyone has problems they can't solve. If you think otherwise you either have no imagination or haven't been reading MN.

scooterbear · 22/11/2021 15:37

I've got one big issue (child MH), some low level but annoying health stuff and then just stress re house moving and Christmas. The issue is that I'm not as resilient as I once was-I seem to have lost my ability to just deal and I don't know why.
I think lots of people have stuff they are hiding but equally lots of people don't really. And it ebbs and flows for everyone.

Original poster
Needspace21 · 22/11/2021 17:59

I guess it is the human condition and interesting how many of us have around 3 to 5.

Mine are: severe sibling rivalry between my dcs (think physical violence semi regularly).
Not being able to live where in the country I want at the moment.
Not being able to live in the family home (as ex lives there).

OP posts:
JunoMcDuff · 22/11/2021 18:02

Yep, got a few.

loudbatperson · 22/11/2021 18:08

I think people generally don't share a lot, nor do they often want to talk about it.

Our big problems are
DC's disability and how they will live an independent life as an adult.
MIL being very unwell, likely terminal.

However, I rarely discuss these outside our family. To the outsider, our life looks like it is going great right now, which is many ways it is.

Always remember though, however irresolvable your problems may seem, people will have overcome them before or got through the event, as will you.

Also, what seems a huge issue to someone, will be a nothing issue for another person. We all have our struggles, just because things look great, the actual picture will be different.

walkwalk · 22/11/2021 18:19

Two biggies. Would do anything to change them :( everything else in our lives looks fab on the surface, but we enjoy hardly any of it because of these two things that will never change...

anothereee · 22/11/2021 18:26

Yeah - quite a lot.
Poor health (think ME/CFS)
Financial - family
Child MH
DH problems
Family MH

I’m sure everything LOOKS great though. Just life isn’t it?

Original poster
Needspace21 · 22/11/2021 18:28

Always remember though, however irresolvable your problems may seem, people will have overcome them before or got through the event, as will you.

Also, what seems a huge issue to someone, will be a nothing issue for another person. We all have our struggles, just because things look great, the actual picture will be different

^^
Very true.

OP posts:
Hm2020 · 22/11/2021 18:35

I have quite a few actually now I’ve thought about it.
My ds complex health issues that we have been dealing with for 7 years
My health issue which although stable right now it is inevitable I will be unwell again some time and need more surgery’s and the horrific painful recovery that follows
My extremely fragile mental health (bipolar)
The fact that I’m going to have to tell my young son that his father he hasn’t seen since a baby has died.
In all honesty I try not to think about them my sons health issues leave us on tenterhooks daily and have had a bad few months the rest I try not to think too much about until we have to.
Hardly anyone would know any of this.

Play8063 · 22/11/2021 19:38

About 6-7, depending on how you count. Focus on the plsitives. Have boundaries. Quality therapist when needed. Create the life you want. Get on with things/it. X

Copperas · 22/11/2021 19:46

This thread has been very helpful

Odile13 · 22/11/2021 19:54

I have a few. I think I usually come across as friendly and happy even when in the midst of something really hard. I do seek help from appropriate sources but I wouldn’t discuss my issues with people I’m not very close to.

Sunshinealligator · 22/11/2021 19:59

Oh several! Trust me we all have things we need to grapple with. I think some people just try to block out some of the stuff they grapple with in a fake it till you make it sense.

I feel like there are immovable boulders that I will never move in my life, but I do try to be as happy as I can be.

ToooOldForThis · 22/11/2021 19:59

Quite a few, and I'm struggling to fake it at the moment.
I think most people would have no idea.
I don't know how much longer i can keep pretending tbh, but I also know that no one can help so there's no point in talking to anyone.
Hope you're OK OP!