To want other people to think I'm pretty

[TheLasrStraw]

I heard this on a TV show (The Good Wife), where a teen girl starts straightening her hair and wearing makeup etc...

Her mum asked her why she had changed her appearance and that's what she said.

I identified with that growing up, and my family never understood that.

Doesn't everyone feel the same way?

I want people to think I'm pretty, yes. I'm 40.

Wouldn't go down the botox, nip and tuck route I don't think...
But still want to make the best of my appearance.

I've tried very hard to bring up my DC without reference to whether they are pretty/handsome and certainly their self esteem isn't tied to this. However, despite all that I think it's a natural desire for most, especially young people. Its just a human form of the sexual displays that most animals have in order to reproduce. Social status in animals is highly linked to fertility. Fortunately, our evolved cognition and cultures override this to some extent but it's not totally banished.

I didn’t realise that some people don’t want others to think they are pretty! I feel quite vain now as I have always thought about this and I am 47. Surely the cosmetic industry wouldn’t be so massive if the majority of people weren’t trying to look pretty? Am confused by the answers!

@Mummadeze

I didn’t realise that some people don’t want others to think they are pretty! I feel quite vain now as I have always thought about this and I am 47. Surely the cosmetic industry wouldn’t be so massive if the majority of people weren’t trying to look pretty? Am confused by the answers!

Same, I'm 36 and completely agree!! People are trying to oook pretty into old age or else surgeons would be out of business so I find it odd no one on MN seems to care about their appearance!

Some is not the same as the majority...

And people that spend on make up/and or love it, tend to buy a lot of it.

Above to @Mummadeze

Very astute question, and kudos to the teenage girl for being able to articulate her insecurity.

Trying to manage what other people think is exactly what motivates many of us to go many things!

We will deny it, of course we will, but life for many people is a series of behaviours designed to fit in, be accepted, be admired...to be loved.

That we will never achieve confidence or contentment in this way escapes so many, but it is totally understandable given how vacuous we are encouraged to be by spending large on looking "good" or appearing well off.

But no matter how much money or beauty you have, you cannot control how much other people admire you. Once that realisation sets in, so too does freedom.

'Pretty' is not something I'd associate with an adult woman.

I tell all my children (two boys and a girl) that they're beautiful, because they are, to me. That has very little to do with whether they're conventionally attractive or not. They're lovely and young and fresh and healthy and expressive.

And with other people I focus on what they radiate and not on their conventional attractiveness or otherwise.

I have always wished I were good looking, of course, because it is a huge social asset. I have got on fine without it, but it affects everything from job interviews and then how we are perceived at work to our options in terms of a partner (and father of our children) to how people interact with us, or choose not to do so. Being attractive just gives you an advantage in life.

I don't sit around brooding about it, but it is important to understand the cards you have been dealt.

@TheYearOfSmallThings I completely agree, your looks (sadly) determine many, many things and opportunities in your life.

Sad and sorry truth but this is why people crave so much for beauty.

It gives you better job prospects, more dating opportunities and socially people gravitate to you. It doesn't come without its issues I'm sure but you will find beauty has social advantages.

My parents made an absolute point of never telling me I was pretty, complimenting my intelligence/hard work rather than looks

Actually I just developed a complex about being seen as intelligent, gifted and being top of the class etc. I burnt myself out by about 18 trying to live up to it. All my self esteem lay in my exam results

And we dont live in a vaccuum, I also felt that I wasnt pretty because not even my mum thought I was. I dont think praising intelligence and not looks really adds much benefit. I still desperately wanted to be the pretty girl at school, probably more so because I was made to feel guilty for caring about looks

I definitely was attractive as a late teen/in my 20s, objectively was quite pretty at school but never really saw it. I realised though that lot of people liked me because I was pretty and would do things for me, which intially felt great but didnt respect a lot of what I said and certainly wouldnt listen to my opinion, and some men in particular had a real issue with attractice women. I wanted to shout at them did they not know Im actually intelligent!

I think its normal to want to be pretty/attractive etc. But it shouldnt be the be all and end all, I think most teens hace felt this at some point in their lives.

YANBU but I never felt that way myself. I mean, I liked the idea of scrubbing up nicely now and then for fun, but never thought of it on a day-to-day basis, just not where my self-worth has ever lain. I have never been 'pretty' but never bothered by it either.

Spent a lot of time ensuring we did not go on about being beautiful and pretty to oldest - they now identify as non-binary but I don't think the two are connected!

I tell DS he looks very nice or handsome when he scrubs up. He has a friend who is a model - but hey - DS does not care - they have gone down different paths.

DH would never make a living as a model but I don't give a shiny hoot. He looks good to me.

I know I can scrub up well but am too old to think about Botox / fillers etc. Arlene on Celebrity get me out of here just looked weird to me .

In some ways I am happy I have never been defined by my looks - that said never been called ugly - there is a middle ground.

As I get older ( and I am quite old ) my ( female ) friends have got their own style - so not the Love Island hair extensions and nails type of thing - they just have found something which suits them & in my opinion they look great. Would you call it pretty - not sure - would you call it attractive - yes

Girls are valued for their looks, everything tells us this from an early age.

I did care until my 40s I think. Sad thing was I spent all my time fretting and when I look at old pics I thought I was fat and ugly and I wasn’t! What a waste!
Now I’m 45 and truly happy in my own skin and honestly that does seem to make you look and feel more attractive; I simply stopped worrying. I would think “pretty” is quite boring TBH. Attractive, funny or interesting yes I would like that but to be called pretty at my age would feel a bit lame

I've never wanted to be pretty but good looking and someone that people wanted to be with.

Life seems to be easier if you're good looking in general I think.

You don’t need to be pretty nowadays, you just need good filters on your phone.
I’ve never seen myself as pretty, it’s something that you can only really apply to girls and young women.
Women often become more attractive as they age because their confidence increases.
I never considered myself pretty but in my late twenties and through my thirties I could turn heads walking into a room. I don’t now but I still have the confidence it gave me.

I've always considered myself pretty average in the looks department and prided myself on being clever and funny.

Pretty is such a dull word and I don't aspire to it. I hate it and never use it with my kids. I tell them they're beautiful, kind, charming, fit, clever etc to try and balance it out.

I notice now that my friends who were considered attractive are the ones in their 40s who have endless Botox and won't open the door without a full face of makeup. No thanks.

I'm 32, and all my life i've been the "ugly" one.
Fat, frizzy hair, bad skin etc. I've never thought of myself as pretty a day in my life, and it would be nice to actually feel it for once.
Spent my life wishing not to be looked at as people are mean, even when you're a complete stranger plenty feel the need to let you know they think you're ugly. Probably why i'm only now on my first actual boyfriend who isnt someone i only know online, and i'm so awkward around him as i think he can't possibly find me even remotely attractive, feel likje i must embarrass him when people see us together, and he can't possibly want to kiss me etc.

This has resonated with me & ive realised how much I care about how other people perceive me. Things have changed since having children though. Makeup & hair is less of a priority only because I don't have the time. To be honest I've been greatful for my face mask on school run days that I haven't managed to get my makeup don't.

No, I want people to think I’m HOT.

I still want to be pretty. I don’t obsess about it but I do feel chuffed if I look pretty in a photo, because I know that from a slightly different angle/different lighting I can look like an absolute munter.

I mean I’d rather be hot or gorgeous but that’s never going to happen. For me pretty is as far as I can reach appearance wise!

I'm not sure that this is specific to females. Who doesn't want to be attractive?!

It's no different from men who spend hours lifting weights in the gym.