To want other people to think I'm pretty

[TheLasrStraw]

I heard this on a TV show (The Good Wife), where a teen girl starts straightening her hair and wearing makeup etc...

Her mum asked her why she had changed her appearance and that's what she said.

I identified with that growing up, and my family never understood that.

Doesn't everyone feel the same way?

@TheBlessedCheesemaker

I imagine it’s a pretty common feeling, but I believe that anyone who feels like this has parents who have a lot to answer for - WTF is wrong with parents that praise their kids for their looks and so perpetuate the myth that it is ok to validate yourself by being positively judged by others on this? I die a bit inside whenever I hear parents impress on their kids how pretty they look.

My parents (but mainly my dad) did the opposite, which I think is where a lot of my self-confidence issues have come from. I constantly had my flaws pointed out, from my nose to my ears to my too-flat chest. Even when I got really into running in my 20s and was feeling pretty proud of myself for getting better at it, I just got told I had "manly" looking legs now. Almost never got any compliments about my looks in comparison. (It wasn't just comments about looks though - when I got my A-Level results, my dad went through the newspaper and counted up how many people in the country got better grades than I did in front of my family, for example.)

Apparently my dad was bullied at school and didn't want the same to happen to us so deliberately treated us like that to "give us a thick skin". But I really just think it gave me a tonne of issues instead. Recently I've even wondered whether I put up with issues in past relationships for way longer than I should have because of my lack of confidence in myself and a belief that I didn't deserve any better.

I have no idea what the right way to do things is though. I definitely agree that looks shouldn't be made too much of a focus as there are other things that are more important, but equally I would like to think that if I'd be there to support any kids I have and make them feel confident rather than give them body issues, even if that does mean giving them compliments specifically about their looks sometimes.

No. I can’t control what other people think of me. If I could, I would rather they thought of me a good friend, kind, supportive, funny and a good listener. I literally do not have the head space or time to fret about whether or not people think I’m pretty (I’m fairly average I’d say)

@pantsandpringles

I dressed like someone I would find attractive when I was younger.

I was considered very attractive into my late teens /early adulthood. I hated it. I did everything to cover myself. I mutilated my arms on a regular basis (which I now have nice big scars of to remind me all over my arms and body). I hated being "pretty" because above everything, I valued my kindness and intelligence. No one ever noticed those traits because of a face they saw that fit whatever status quo they were looking for. I stopped going out to pubs, stopped meeting up with friends. I resented a stranger coming up to me, which happened every time I went out the bloody house. People telling me how beautiful I was. I didn't see it myself, and I didn't want to be noticed by what I looked like. I wanted to have a conversation, get to know people. But it was always the same "yeah yeah, that's great and really interesting, but can I have your number / get a kiss / sleep with you" and if I ever said no I didn't see them for dust.

Now I'm overweight, unwell and in my 30s with my little girl - no one notices me. No one thinks I'm "pretty" any more and I'm so much happier. I'd love to loose weight, but only for myself and the sake of my health but otherwise I'm pretty good right now.

I'm the same! Do you find it really hard to talk about, no one gives you any sympathy? I spent years bitter because I did quite a lot of accomplished things, multiple languages, long term volunteering, charity, free tech courses for others, own business etc and at no point did anyone praise me for it, it was always you're so beautiful / pretty / slim. That's it 😭 The last few years I've put on weight and got older it's been so refreshing. Strangers are nicer to me, and no longer do I get unwanted attention from men. Even better, I can actually dress up for fun without worrying about looking too sexy. Or have genuine freindships with men! I've lost some weight now but my age remains 👵

Yes, I relate to this. My parents valued looks over anything else with regard to my sister and me (not our brother). She rebelled; I did not, and them telling me I "looked pretty" was always the highest compliment, because I knew it was to them.

My mother is 91, still feels exactly the same about her own looks, goes weekly to the hairdresser, takes great pride in her appearance (and to a slightly lesser extent, mine).

No, I have never cared and still don’t unless I’m on a date with my boyfriend. I like him to think I look nice, don’t care what the rest of the world think. I’m actually far more clever than I am pretty but I don’t care if people know that either!

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

My mother once told me that she stayed up one night racking her brains to think of a good quality about me.

She said the only good thing she could think of was that I was pretty.

Since then that’s been one of my trigger words.

I didn’t want to be ‘pretty’ after that, I just wanted to be interesting or caring or just ‘enough’.

I hope you are no contact with her.

I spend hours at the beach erecting little cairns of stones to shy rocks at from ever-increasing distances. I like it when people praise my throwing arm. head toss, twirl hair around fingers

I’d like to be pretty, I’d like to be smart and kind. Mostly I’d like to have more energy and be more organised.

It’s ok to want to be pretty, it doesn’t mean that you are shallow or that’s the only thing that you care about.

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

My mother once told me that she stayed up one night racking her brains to think of a good quality about me.

She said the only good thing she could think of was that I was pretty.

Since then that’s been one of my trigger words.

I didn’t want to be ‘pretty’ after that, I just wanted to be interesting or caring or just ‘enough’.

What a cruel thing to do.

I think it is natural to want to be pretty when you are growing up, I certainly wish to be seen as attractive now and I am 48. I am really not attractive to my eyes anyway. I remember asking my mother when I was about 9 or 10 if she thought I was pretty. She said that I was 'unusual looking'. No idea what that meant, but as she now often comments on how gorgeous my DCs are and that it is 'good; they take after their dad I can only guess she does not think much of my looks!

(Possibly this contributed my bulimia and body dysmorphia that I still suffer from).

DH calls me ' most beautifulest'. As in 'Most beautifulest, where's the new pack of coffee?'

That will do. :)

I cared about this a great deal when I was younger, until about my mid 30s. Now I couldn't give a flying fuck and ironically I objectively became much more attractive (both by my own assessment and externally) when I stopped caring.

Yes. I'm 30 now and care about it more than ever. I spend a lot on skincare and have had cosmetic dental work. The recent pretty privilege thread highlighted how (sadly) important looks are in our society/

@TheBlessedCheesemaker

I imagine it’s a pretty common feeling, but I believe that anyone who feels like this has parents who have a lot to answer for - WTF is wrong with parents that praise their kids for their looks and so perpetuate the myth that it is ok to validate yourself by being positively judged by others on this? I die a bit inside whenever I hear parents impress on their kids how pretty they look.

Well I certainly agree that making kids feel their only validation comes from being attractive is damaging.

But it can work the other way: my parents constantly impressed upon me how "clever" I was and never mentioned my looks at all. It had the effect of making me feel that this was a tactic on their part to compensate for my being unattractive so I became very self-critical.

Now I'm much older I can see myself for what I am: someone of more or less average looks who is attractive by virtue of my personality and my self-belief and I no longer care about it. I think its very unhelpful to raise girls to obsess about looks but I don't think that making them feel that their looks are totally irrelevant and of no interest whatsoever is necessarily all that helpful either.

I tell my DD she is beautiful, along with a number of other positive adjectives (caring, intelligent, thoughtful etc). I would never dream of giving her advice about grooming/weight etc or telling her she looked bad. But I do think its good to let your children know you think they are beautiful in the right context.

I was not bothered about being "pretty", I did want to be liked which in some ways has similarities.

@SmellyNelliey

I'm still like this at 25😂

I'm still like this at 31 🤣 I will never be pretty though so I aim now for people thinking I look pulled together!

I’m old now, but my dad was so supportive and positive, I was 21 before I realised that I wasn’t beautiful. By then I was at university, and had plenty of boyfriends, so it just didn’t matter.

I'm late 40s and still think like this, even though I'm old enough to know it's never going to happen

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to look attractive to other humans.

@TheBlessedCheesemaker

I imagine it’s a pretty common feeling, but I believe that anyone who feels like this has parents who have a lot to answer for - WTF is wrong with parents that praise their kids for their looks and so perpetuate the myth that it is ok to validate yourself by being positively judged by others on this? I die a bit inside whenever I hear parents impress on their kids how pretty they look.

I agree that making your kids feel like looks are the ONLY important thing is terrible, and to be honest parents shouldn't give any emphasis to their kids looks at all, but don't you think that this is also what society does?

Rightly or wrongly, life is easier when you're prettier. It just is - we all know it. I doubt it will ever change. I hope my kids don't care if they're attractive or not but equally I know their lives will be easier if they are relatively nice looking, and take pride in their appearance.

Such a difficult balance.

Can someone link to the pretty privilege thread please as I can't find it by searching.

Thanks!

Yes. I have some facial difference that I’ve struggled with all my life. I’d love for people to think I’m pretty and I do try quite hard to look nice. It would be freeing not to care

It’s normal. And men aren’t conditioned to be ‘pretty’ but they have body image issues too (like being too short or too skinny for example).

I don’t see the point in praising kids of their cleverness instead of prettiness. It’s not hard to look put together no matter what sort of face you have. I wanna be everythingggggg 😎

I’m not pretty, never have been

I’ve never been short of a boyfriend though.

But I’m widowed now, mid forties and I look it now so I don’t give a shit what I look like now.

I do like to look neat, clean and tidy more for myself really than to look pretty for others

*also to add ‘generally’ not hard to look put together.
Plenty of women in the office for example that I admire don’t have flawless faces but are polished. That’s what I mean

I feel so much more confidence when I’m dressed up

I was never pretty but I have always been very aware that pretty girls and women have so many advantages over the rest of us. Doors open for them in a way they don’t for others. There is no point denying it.