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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to end my marriage over a tube of pringles? I feel like this is the final straw...

45 replies

FridgeFreezer · 14/12/2007 23:11

Name change.

I have been with my dh 6 years and he is 20 yrs older than I.
Sometimes I look at him with love but mostly its annoyance,exasperation,loathing,pity,disgust....
He just nipped back from work to get a bite to eat and I have flipped at him and he left again.
I am consumed with anger at the stupid things he does and cannot let them go,they just swirl around in my head.Some things happened a couple of years ago and it has gone downhill since then.He was sneaky and lied to me about very important things which risked the health of our then newborn child.I have struggled to get over this
He seems to disregard or ignore everything I say and is hard work to make conversation or a joke with.He is almost childlike sometimes and I feel like I have to explain more to him than my eldest child.
Thing is, I don't remember him being so 'dumb' when we met but atm we barely get through an hour without him getting on my nerves.
He just shuffles around looking like he is doing something but nothing ever seems to come of it.He seems so old now.
He has no emotion in his voice or what he does. He is almost android like which just serves to make me more infuriated...
I am becoming hard to live with-I know this myself and yet he still maintains this lack of emotion.
I just rang him to apologise for saying not to eat the pringles and why did he even buy them etc and he just said 'yep,okay' Not in a nasty or 'I will bring this crap up another time'sort of way.he actually means yep,okay ffs.its this lack of emotion that makes me want to just bloody leave.
I know you will all think I am mad to complain about a man who does treat me well and does not mean me any harm and I am sorry if anyone has experienced crap.My first partner was very violent and after 7 long years I got out and went for this man who is soft and conforming instead but its driving me insane.
He seems to be losing his mind somewhat and can be wildly inappropriate or rude and silent in company.
Honest opinions on his and my behaviour please(neither of us are violent).
Sod the pringles,they are in the bin,am I being a bitch and if so am I a litle bit justified or have I made my bed...?

OP posts:
Scotia · 14/12/2007 23:15

From how you describe him he sounds depressed.

bunnyhohohunny · 14/12/2007 23:16

seems like you are stuck in a rut with each other. do you get much time away from each other?

Original poster
FridgeFreezer · 14/12/2007 23:20

He works 50hrs a week out of home and I run the business from home so we do see each other a bit.
Maybe he is depressed,I dont know,conversation is impossible.
My mum said he is aspergers-like.I can see where she is coming from.

OP posts:
Ubergeekian · 15/12/2007 10:53

I think you need to seek professional advice as a matter of urgency. First of all, see a doctor. There are all sorts of things which could be causing behaviour like this in your husband, some of them very serious indeed. It also sounds possible that either he or you may be depressed. It's obviously causing you a lot of stress and distress, so it would be sensible to look for some counselling help - just someone neutral to talk to can be really valuable.

Seriously, though, don't delay on the intertubes. Get cracking out there in the real world. And good luck - I really hope you get this sorted.

mears · 15/12/2007 10:57

Agree totally that he should see a doctor ASAP.

Apart from depression he could have something else wrong such as early Alzheimers which needs treatment.

Watch him more closely and see what his behaviour actually is rather than getting mad at the moment. Sounds as though he needs your help.

Swedes2Turnips1 · 15/12/2007 11:14

How old is he?

Lauriefairycake · 15/12/2007 11:42

He sounds like he has shut down emotionally and that its a cycle. The more you are angry with him the more he shuts down to protect himself.

I really feel for both of you, it sounds really painful.

Counselling, separately, and then together. You really need this.

HTH

beeper · 15/12/2007 16:58

The root of your problem is 'unforgiveness' that has resulted in a total lack of trust.

My advice is to explore the reasons that you feel he put your childs life in danger. It seems that you are holding on to this and he is just irratating you.

If you wish to have a future with you DH then you need to forgive and let go. If he ever did apologise about the situation and sennses that you still hold it over him, he would indeed get into a depressed rut.

Try relate they gave us a new road of thinking.

Hope things work out.

SelfishMrsClaus · 15/12/2007 17:19

What happened with the pringles?

Did he eat them & you didn't "allow" him to??

What age are you & he?

Original poster
FridgeFreezer · 15/12/2007 18:14

He did apologise about the incident but then went on to do similar things several times afterwards which makes his apology worthless imo.
We are 29 and 49
Regarding the pringles-I had said not to buy them (money reasons as was trying to do a budget shop so could do a good shop before xmas plus I was paying)but he sneaked 2 packs of them in like a child might and when I discovered this I said it was pathetic he had acted this way.He then proceeded to eat near all of them in one sitting and so I offered to make a sarnie for him and said he should leave some for dc.He ignored me blatantly and so I took them off him and binned them.
I feel like I am dealing with a child and I have enough of those already.
The pringles thing does not sound like a big deal but day in day out it is draining.
I have to repeat bits of conversation to him as he is in his own world which is embarrassing and annoying when we have friends round but just plain irritating when we are alone.
He spends hours tinkering with the same things but neglects important jobs.
He offers me no support and has no authority with the dc as he is just not interested it seems although he is a fantastic father in lots of ways.He is dismissive of them sometimes which breaks my heart.
I dont want to be a nag but if I say nothing at all I will implode.
A typical conversation will go like this,

me-could you pass me a nappy please,they are in the lounge?
him-a nappy?
me-yes please
him-where are they?
me- in the lounge like i said
him-a nappy from the lounge?
me-no matter, I will get one myself
him-are you geting the nappy then?
me-yes
him-Its okay I will get one,they are in the lounge,yes?
me-

This is how most conversations go.I have said to him to try to stop repeating me but he says it is his way of making sure of what I have said.
I think an appointment with the doctor would be the most appropriate route at this point like some people have suggested.
I would just like to thank each of you for responding as well.

OP posts:
bunnyhohohunny · 15/12/2007 18:59

have you talked to friedns about it - have they noticed his behaviour changing?

Original poster
FridgeFreezer · 15/12/2007 19:05

My family are concerned tbh as he is quite random in his conversations sometimes.
He can function but is distant iyswim?

OP posts:
jINGLESbells · 15/12/2007 20:49

Hi Fridge.. both my dh and myself are replying to this...we too have a large age difference, 17 years. Tbh though,and I hope you don't mind me being blunt..we both feel that the problem is not pringles(!) but that actually you're not well suited. From your op, it seems you chose a partner who you thought would compensate for your past, which is understandable, but not necessarily what is right for you. You are obviously the stronger partner, it doesn't sound like you want to be...but is your dh really much different from when you met him? And I just can't imagine describing my dh, with loathing, pity, disgust. despite his advancing years. Actually I never ever think about the difference in age. I truly believe it shouldn't be an issue. I am 35 he is 52
my dh thinks there is probably nothing wrong with your dh ( but please check) other than incompatability so if you want to stay together we feel you need to get some counselling.
I'm very sorry if this sounds harsh, but your op was very frank, as is this. Good Luck.

Original poster
FridgeFreezer · 15/12/2007 22:40

Jinglesbells-thankyou so much for your reply.
I do wish he was stronger or at least capable of doing things off his own back sometimes and I resent being dominant.
I do think his behaviour has worsened since we met though and will be looking into this with him.
When I had the latest dc (a couple of months ago)and was in hospital he brought them into to see me at 8pm.It came to light that he had forgotten to feed them all day.His reasoning was that they did not ask for anything.
I had to ask my mum to collect them and look after them until I got home.
The other week we went Xmas shopping at a retail park and I went in alone and he allowed the 5yo out of the car,through the car park and into a huge toys r us to come and find me alone in the dark(5pm).I did not know my dc was in the shop but luckily he is sensible and waited at the exit with an assistant.
He did not think this was wrong even though I pointed out all the potential dangers.So I am sobbing in the car trying to get it through to him and still no emotion.
These are not isolated incidents and I now feel as though he is incapable of looking after them alone and am resentful that I have to do everything.
I am not sure what to do and am crying so much atm...
I dont want our marriage to fail but feel so alone in it anyway that I wonder would it really make much difference if we seperated?

OP posts:
TheQueenSPeach · 15/12/2007 22:50

Doesn't sound like incompatability to me given that friends find him odd, and the children / hospital / car parks incidents are worrying. Does he work? Do you know any of his colleagues you could talk to - in that they'll see him in a very different environment. Is he like that at work?

LittleSleighBellasRinging · 15/12/2007 22:51

FF how interesting, I clicked on this because I was amused and intrigued by your title (a great one btw) and find you're describing my xp. He was emotionally distant and passive and I felt like I was banging my head against the wall dragging conversation/ communication out of him. He was also very lacksadaisical about looking after DS - I once met him in St Paul's churchyard and he was sitting there reading while DS, 2 at the time, was running over the other side of the park and could have run down Ludgate Hill without xp looking up once.

He was depressed I think, made worse by secret drinking. But also I think there was probably incompatibility there as well, Jinglebells DH may have hit on something there. I felt that I was the only one making decisions in the household, that it was all down to me and that he looked to me for guidance. I didn't have a partner, I had someone else living in the house who not only wasn't contributing, he was draining it, but that's another story, it doesn't sound like your DH has got to that stage yet and it might be retrievable with counselling.

Original poster
FridgeFreezer · 15/12/2007 22:52

He works alone-we are self employed- and he does about 50 hours a week so no-one to ask opinions off of.

OP posts:
cheeset · 15/12/2007 22:55

Gosh i'd have been annoyed at the t.r.u. incident. Do you think he let the 5yo out of the car to annoy you? or do you think he is just not thinking sensibly?

From what you have said, I sense the latter. I think he's shut down emotionally in some way. Sounds as though he feels he cant do anything right and will make more mistakes because of this and then shuts down.

Must be bl infuriating for you & him. By the way, dh and I have the conversation you demonstrated in your post, I could bl scream, and mutter f**k under my breath when he says 'ugh?' instead of 'sorry, what did you say?'

Original poster
FridgeFreezer · 15/12/2007 22:55

Maybe depression is a possibility...not sure what about,maybe just general depression??I need to look up more about it I think.
He is absolutely tee toatl though.

OP posts:
Original poster
FridgeFreezer · 15/12/2007 22:57

cheeset that made me smile as I have often done the same muttering!
I honestly do not think he tries to annoy me and he is on the whole a lovely man but is just so lacking 90% of the time

OP posts:
cheeset · 15/12/2007 22:58

Almost needs to find his balls again, sorry couldn't put it another way ha

cheeset · 15/12/2007 23:01

I'm always muttering vile swear words under my breath otherwise i'd explode. He can never bl hear me, god i'm cross thinking about it now, I might just have to go and give him a noggin on his head

LittleSleighBellasRinging · 15/12/2007 23:02

btw I often wondered if my xp was slightly autistic too - sort of further along the spectrum than average

He just felt like a stranger for so much of the time. I used to sometimes have mad flashes of wondering if he had some kind of secret life going on, because of his total disengagement from our life. (As it turns out, he did, but that was the booze. At least you know he's not half pizzed for much of the time.)

Does he acknowledge any problem? Have you raised the issue at all?

minkulus · 15/12/2007 23:12

FF, I really feel for you and your frustration. My DH and I have been in a very simillar situation and there were things i held on to, so much so that he was 'frightened' to engage with me and just shut down. We had some counselling and it has improved a bit. What it did do was give us time away from our DD to really get angry, sad, bitter, rant rave etc. its hard sometimes if you have DCs to really say what you need to. My DH and i got as far as separating, but we are back on track and are still able to step back from the brink if it starts to get crappy again....
the time you spend working sounds an awfully long time, do you think that is contributing?
really hope you can pull together, its not always easier going it alone....

Original poster
FridgeFreezer · 15/12/2007 23:12

Yes I mentioned to him what my mum thought and he responded along the lines of 'yes,maybe,anythings possible'
We were at the asda petrol pumps which have just changed to card operated.I agreed to go with him as he cannot use a bank card still.I refused to get out of the car as I didnt want him to look like an idiot so talked him through it through the window iyswim?
An attendant came over to see he was alright and he said 'I did it,I did it.It works for me' in a suprised, childlike manner and it was strange and awkward.
I didnt know what to make of this at all-he seems to have no social skills.
Gawd,I seem nitpicky but you have to be here to understand the weirdness.

OP posts: