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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to end my marriage over a tube of pringles? I feel like this is the final straw...

45 replies

FridgeFreezer · 14/12/2007 23:11

Name change.

I have been with my dh 6 years and he is 20 yrs older than I.
Sometimes I look at him with love but mostly its annoyance,exasperation,loathing,pity,disgust....
He just nipped back from work to get a bite to eat and I have flipped at him and he left again.
I am consumed with anger at the stupid things he does and cannot let them go,they just swirl around in my head.Some things happened a couple of years ago and it has gone downhill since then.He was sneaky and lied to me about very important things which risked the health of our then newborn child.I have struggled to get over this
He seems to disregard or ignore everything I say and is hard work to make conversation or a joke with.He is almost childlike sometimes and I feel like I have to explain more to him than my eldest child.
Thing is, I don't remember him being so 'dumb' when we met but atm we barely get through an hour without him getting on my nerves.
He just shuffles around looking like he is doing something but nothing ever seems to come of it.He seems so old now.
He has no emotion in his voice or what he does. He is almost android like which just serves to make me more infuriated...
I am becoming hard to live with-I know this myself and yet he still maintains this lack of emotion.
I just rang him to apologise for saying not to eat the pringles and why did he even buy them etc and he just said 'yep,okay' Not in a nasty or 'I will bring this crap up another time'sort of way.he actually means yep,okay ffs.its this lack of emotion that makes me want to just bloody leave.
I know you will all think I am mad to complain about a man who does treat me well and does not mean me any harm and I am sorry if anyone has experienced crap.My first partner was very violent and after 7 long years I got out and went for this man who is soft and conforming instead but its driving me insane.
He seems to be losing his mind somewhat and can be wildly inappropriate or rude and silent in company.
Honest opinions on his and my behaviour please(neither of us are violent).
Sod the pringles,they are in the bin,am I being a bitch and if so am I a litle bit justified or have I made my bed...?

OP posts:

dara · 15/12/2007 23:13

He sounds like he has Aspergers to me. I think it might help if you read up on it and so did he. You might not stay together but you might understand each other better.

dara · 15/12/2007 23:14

Lots of good qualities. he won't cheat or lie to you, won't be cruel or manipulative.

Original poster

FridgeFreezer · 15/12/2007 23:19

Do you think it is worth asking the doctor if Aspergers is a possibility? Would it be genetically linked-could my dc be affected?
Sorry for being so ignorant.

OP posts:

Original poster

FridgeFreezer · 15/12/2007 23:20

I will do some googling

OP posts:

dara · 15/12/2007 23:21

Look on the National Autistic Society website. It's in my family so I know a bit about it. If he is affected, it has good and bad points. Can be very frustrating, but he will mean no harm.

charliecat · 15/12/2007 23:24

He sounds like my best friends bloke and my dd, hes somewhere along the spectrum and I suspect so is she.
Infuriating...however he must have always been like this? But now your fed up of compensating for him? Yet when you try and leave him to his own thing he doesnt get anywhere at all?

cheeset · 15/12/2007 23:25

sounds like low self esteem, I feel sorry for him now...(the petrol pump thing)

Whatever it is, you both could do with a break from the norm. Good luck ok.

expatinscotland · 15/12/2007 23:29

Hmm.

You sound very angry.

Really, very angry.

And he's the target.

I think you need to get through the weekend and come Monday morning ring a counsellor.

for both of you and yourself alone if he won't go.

This anger will eat you alive and for no good reason.

SelfishMrsClaus · 15/12/2007 23:36

I feel sorry for him too

He sounds like he's an inconvenience for you.

You sound like you view him as a doodery old fool

I'm sure you don't, but that's the way it reads.

My dh is on the spectrum too, it is furiously annoying at times.. though he doesn't do the petrol station thing, it's more emotional in his case.

slim22 · 15/12/2007 23:42

Agree with expat. You sound angry and dissatisfied.
I don't want to sound unsympathetic, but depression, asperger etc... all seem like wild conjectures.
Only you can really tell. And to me it seems we've only got one side of the story.

Tbh, he sounds like most middle aged men ( and younger).
You are stuck in a rut, he doesn't want an argument and thinks "whatever" with a shrug and moves on.

It really seems that the problem is more that you are fed up with him. Embarassed, disapointed dare I suggest?

Counselling is a good way forward. I know many couple like you and find that the older man is usually energised by his younger partner. He gave you the security you needed at the time maybe now is the time to invert the roles to give this relationship a second life?
If that's what you want.

Original poster

FridgeFreezer · 15/12/2007 23:48

I do love him and we have many things in common including our dc.
Reading back through the thread I sound like a bitch which makes me feel awful.I am jsut trying to get across how this is affecting me which is difficult in cyberspace.
I think we need to have counselling and see a doctor as a few have suggested(thankyou)and take it from there really.
I am not a bully and do not try and make him feel bad about himself but I do feel angry which I mostly express with silence.
I wrote my op with fresh anger iyswim so it seems worse but I have since calmed down and now am just crying and trying to find a way to resolve the situation we are now in.

OP posts:

cheeset · 15/12/2007 23:52

I know where you are coming from fridge, not good for you to feel this anger inside is it? You sound like a good person, why else would you be on here looking for advise. One step at a time, doctors, coucelling etc-baby steps ok.

micci25 · 16/12/2007 00:00

lolit sounds like you are living with my dh!! i think mines problem is that he was mothered too much as a child!! he wasnt allowed to use the oven untill he was 21 incase he burnt down the house and his mum did everything for him she still shops for him now!!! could it be something like that?

have you tried explaining calmly how you feel? i know that his behavior must be very fustrating for you, i feel like everything is left to me do and then i am blamed when things are not done right (the way his mum would do it) and find it very hard to stay calm when talking to him about this but it might work for you

mears · 16/12/2007 12:06

FridgeFreezer - has he always been like this or is this something new?

Ubergeekian · 16/12/2007 12:57

Go. And. See. A. Doctor. As. Soon. As. Possible.

jINGLESbells · 16/12/2007 13:49

Oh Fridge Poor you....
A few things to think about....
I think it's unlikely to be aspergers or such but there is a possibility that he's depressed. Is your business going well at the mo? Funnily dh & I are both freelancers with our own business as well, and it does seriously put pressure on your relationship, even if you're not side by side every day. After all we don't have a partner with a fresh perspective on day to day problems and any problems do spill into home life. So first step..see dr and rule out medical problems.
What we have to remember is that they are of a different generation to us and have been parented differently to us and WILL parent differently to us... This doesn't mean it's always wrong and it is really easy to feel that way. Sometimes I have to pull my self up and try to stop nagging dh to do things my way. So the toys r us incident is not good, explain why and then leave it at that.
Give him more responsibility...don't do it all, be a bit helpless now and again. Ultimately if you treat a man as a child they very quickly fall into being a child...older men particularly!
The good news is you still love him..so contact relate and hopefully things in the New Year will be brighter...

bigwombat · 16/12/2007 14:24

A lot of what you describe does sound rather like my ex-h - off in his own world, awkward social situations, conversations as you describe, huge pauses while I waited for him to reply and tbh I was certain he had signs of Aspergers. Not sure whether anyone will take you seriously though if you go to a doctor about it - people only took notice when he became an alcoholic and abusive.

Is this a 'bad patch' or have you felt like this for a long time??? Have things got worse since you had your latest dc? Is he feeling more under pressure with work/children? Perhaps he copes by withdrawing into his own world.

Niecie · 16/12/2007 16:37

Another vote for counselling here too.

You sound like you treat him like a child, which makes him act like a child, which of course makes you treat him like one, etc etc. The balance of your relationship has gone awry somewhere down the line and you need to find out why so that you can get a more equal relationship back again. That isn't a criticism as I can imagine how hard it is to live with somebody like that and it needs to be sorted out.

To be honest it does sound like he could have Aspergers. He sounds like my DS who is 7 and has Aspergers. The conversation about the nappies was so familiar. Of course DS is still a child but I still feel frustrated with him sometimes because he just seems so absent, and not here listening to me as he should. I think my father might have it too although he is verbally agressive with it but he is equally frustrating as you just feell like you are talking to yourself half the time.

I do think you need to get him checked out by the doctors too as a precaution. There isn't much you can do about the Aspergers, except maybe counselling and learning some coping techniques but if he is depressed or in the early stages of Alzheimers then that could be treated. It maybe that he has nothing wrong but you need to find out for sure otherwise you could be wasting your time going to counselling. Would he be willing go to the doctors or do you think he would resist? Does he feel different from everybody else?

I hope you both get back on an even keel soon.

moyasmum · 16/12/2007 17:08

Dont think you are imagining things.You have been close to your husband ,so you can spot changes.

Make two linked appointments to see a doc,
one where you express your concerns and one where the doc can speak to your husband and get an overall view.

Does your husband drink or take medication?
I'm wondering about alchol related dementia for example.
For your families welbeing you need to persue this and get some back up.

flyingmum · 16/12/2007 18:36

You've been married for some time. Is he getting worse do you think - it seems strange that this behaviour is now causing you frustration (quite understandably). He sounds a bit aspergery but surely these sorts of things would have been apparant when you were going out and in the first years of marriage? Have they been exacerbated by something (a deal not happening, money worries, depression or potential illness) or do you think you are noticing them more because you've just had a baby, are full of hormones and lack of sleep and have no energy to put into him? Presumably, if he runs his own business he must be good at something? Perhaps because he spends so little time at home he just hasn't a clue of what to do and is worried he;s going to get things wrong.

It does sound like you need medical and counselling intervention. If he is a bit aspergery (and I am mother to one and I daughter to another (he sounds very like my dad actually)) he might need things spelling out in foot high capital letters to get it across. He managed to woo and romance you - do you still see any of that chap whom you married. If not then it must be more medical than anything else.

I'm whaffling but good luck.

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