To think friend is being selfish?

[Fluffandsparkles]

So a friend of mine has an elderly mum who’s been unwell. She lives in another town in a retirement flat which has guest rooms. They are spending Christmas together and she wanted him to stay in one the guest rooms for a couple of nights. He left it too late to book a restaurant for Xmas lunch and won’t cook it in her flat so they’re going out on Christmas Eve for dinner instead. He’s also booked a hotel for himself instead of staying with his mum because the bar sounds nice!
Am I being unreasonable to think he’s being very selfish?

Just to be clear, the DM doesn't have a spare room, this is a communal guest room? Having seen them, I wouldn't stay in one either.

No, he is still spending time with her and the guest room might not be nice place.

So what will they eat on Christmas Day?

Apart from that point, sounds fine to me.

A) it’s none of your business
b) I can’t see any evidence of selfishness - he’s going to stay and taking her out. Hotel lunches get booked up v quickly, they are easy to miss, and it can make no big difference to his mum if he wants to stay in a decent hotel rather than a grotty sheltered accommodation communal guest room. It’s his Christmas too.

Wind your neck in

He might be, might not be. Not really your concern. I’d be tempted by the hotel option too in this situation I think.

Yes, that's a bit miserable of him. He could have greeted her with breakfast on Xmas day. But he's her son she probably knows what to expect.

Your post isn’t clear on his plans for how much time he plans to spend with her. Just being at a hotel instead of the guest room is not on the surface selfish. Neither is having the big meal on Christmas Eve instead of day. Plenty of people do that so they can enjoy a more relaxed Christmas Day. It all comes down to how much of his visit he is going to focus on her and how much he is going to be at the hotel bar.

There might be all sorts of reasons why he doesn't want to stay in the guest room. My BF has a bowel condition and never stays in other people's houses as she wants the privacy of her own bathroom in the mornings and evenings for as long as she needs it. A relative of mine is a hoarder and doesn't understand why I don't want to sleep in the guest room where the only space is the path they have cleared to the bed.

You don't know everything about them, so why not consider that there could be a good reason - which is really none of your business - instead of jumping straight to the conclusion that he's being selfish?

Why does it bother you what your friend does? Maybe he has his own reasons for not wanting to stay that he doesn't feel he needs to share with you.

Thanks - I just felt a bit sorry for his mum, especially given recent health issues it could be her last Christmas.
He doesn’t know what they’ll have to eat Xmas day just that he won’t cook it!
He’s stayed in the guest suite before and it’s fine!

No, he's not being selfish at all. Staying in the hotel means he'll get a bit of respite from the residential home and be able to chill out in the bar for a bit with a beer in the evening (I'm assuming his mother probably goes to bed quite early if she's elderly and unwell). Spending a long period of time one in one with an elderly relative can be hard work, no matter how much you love them, conversation dries up and you end up struggling for things to talk about. I think he's being sensible and it's nice he's spending some time with his mum over Christmas. So many people don't which is incredibly sad.

@TabithaTiger yes you’re right. I just felt sorry for his mum especially as it’s likely he’ll probably end up having a few too many and be hungover for Xmas day. He’s done a few thoughtless things recently so maybe my judgement was clouded by this. As you said, at least he’s actually going to see her.

Thanks maybe I was being a bit unfair. I know his sister would have stayed but unfortunately she’s unable to this year. She’s a bit cross with him too. Hopefully he’ll keep the beer consumption under control so he’s still able to have a nice day with his mum!

Hopefully he’ll keep the beer consumption under control so he’s still able to have a nice day with his mum!

You seem a bit over involved in this person’s life and extremely judgmental. What gives?

@TabithaTiger

No, he's not being selfish at all. Staying in the hotel means he'll get a bit of respite from the residential home and be able to chill out in the bar for a bit with a beer in the evening (I'm assuming his mother probably goes to bed quite early if she's elderly and unwell). Spending a long period of time one in one with an elderly relative can be hard work, no matter how much you love them, conversation dries up and you end up struggling for things to talk about. I think he's being sensible and it's nice he's spending some time with his mum over Christmas. So many people don't which is incredibly sad.

Exactly. This isn't like staying in his mum's house. He's not going to be with her the whole time, and leaving to go to the hotel isn't a lot different from leaving to go to the guest room, from her POV.

But the hotel will be much nicer and have facilities that he can use.

I'd do exactly the same. Both my mum and MIL are in care facilities. I won't be seeing either of them on Christmas Day (they are two and three hours away from me and I have my DDs and their families, so it's not going to work on the day itself). So this guy's mum is fortunate to have him visiting, especially when it's more than one day.

His sister and you sniping because he's choosing to have somewhere pleasant to spend his downtime, is just mean.

@Saysama not not over involved at all 😐. Just asking for opinions that’s all. That’s what this platform is for.

I'm another one who thinks you are really judgemental.

Every single one of your posts slips in another little dig at him - another little bit of information about how selfish he is. Do you realise that?

I'm glad you're not my friend.

Maybe their relationship is not that great and it's a FOG thing rather than a loving and caring thing.

Or maybe there are plenty of other issues at play which is going down the way it is.

Or maybe he really is a selfish arsehole, in which case stop being his friend , rather than judging him behind his back about things that aren't your business.

Why not invite them to yours if you're very concerned?

@Idontwanna yes as I said in previous post some of his recent behaviour has been thoughtless & selfish (both to me and others) which sadly has left me questioning the friendship. This is the latest in a long line of things.

@MadMadMadamMim likewise.
Not digs, statements of fact.

I don't think he's BU to want to stay in a hotel and have some space to himself.

Presumably he'll see her Xmas eve and day?

If they're having a meal together Xmas eve then can he not pick up a couple of fancy ready meal roasts from marks or waitrose for the day?

[quote Fluffandsparkles]@Idontwanna yes as I said in previous post some of his recent behaviour has been thoughtless & selfish (both to me and others) which sadly has left me questioning the friendship. This is the latest in a long line of things.[/quote]
Why are you friends with someone you have such a low opinion of? You do sound very judgemental.

@MichelleScarn he’s only recently started being like this - guess I’ve got you know him a bit better, hence now questioning the friendship. Anyway my post wasn’t really about that. I probably should have been more detailed in the original post.

So his sister who isn't bothering to visit her mother at Christmas thinks her brother is being selfish.......