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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset?

27 replies

lark21 · 21/11/2021 16:55

Name changed as outing.

I posted pictures of DS (2) on social media this weekend. My MIL commented 'Obviously DS wants a brother or sister'

I was really quite upset by this comment. We've been trying for a year and had two miscarriages.

I slept on it but couldn't bring myself to reply. I deleted the comment as I was finding it upsetting.

She doesn't know - or atleast I haven't told her and it would be unlike DH to discuss. We're not close. She's only met DS twice. No backstory really, she lives quite a distance from us and covid hampered things. I find her generally a bit difficult and over bearing when we have seen her but nothing out of the ordinary and probably just a case of not knowing each other beyond the surface.

Two questions

AIBU to be upset given that she didn't know?

Was I wrong to delete the comment / should I explain it or just leave it?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 21/11/2021 16:58

I woukd be curious as to how she lept to that conclusion? Was he holding a baby doll or?

PenCreed · 21/11/2021 16:59

I'm sorry about your losses Flowers. You're not BU, it's a rude and insensitive comment even without the background. Don't bother explaining the deletion and try not to give it any headspace.

Tonyschoco · 21/11/2021 17:00

This is exactly why people shouldn’t make stupid, ignorant, oblivious comments like this.

WorraLiberty · 21/11/2021 17:01

It sounds like a throwaway comment that she probably wouldn't have made, had she known the situation.

TheAverageUser · 21/11/2021 17:01

You can be upset and that makes sense because of your experience but she doesn't know that and I think grandparents are probably mostly excited to have more grandchildren. I know some people feel you should never comment on that type of thing for this exact reason but unless she did it to upset you I'd leave it, she's probably trying to be nice.

BurntO · 21/11/2021 17:02

Your feelings are valid and YANBU to be upset. I think deleting the comment is fine. Flowers

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 21/11/2021 17:02

YANBU to feel upset about the situation but if you know she doesn't know and are upset with her anyway, then that is a little U, although understandably so. Flowers

Tobchette · 21/11/2021 17:03

Following on from @Theunamedcat if he were holding a doll the sentiment might come from her discomfort with him playing with a "girl" toy and her need to justify it may have overrode her common sense.

My mil is constantly saying the most stupid shit you can think of because she feels uncomfortable about completely acceptable stuff. She has an old fashioned mentality, combined with a trap she can't keep shut.

Not saying that would make it any better at all - because it doesn't. I would have dh address it though and just let her know those kind of comments are not welcome.

DBI78 · 21/11/2021 17:08

Yours and your partners choices/health etc is your business and I would say it's rude to speculate about something so personal particularly on a open forum. It's a strange concept that people think fertility, pregnancy and family planning are open game for conversation. I would be annoyed at a comment like that.

Original poster
lark21 · 21/11/2021 17:12

Sorry, I mean to include in OP. DS was playing with a doll in one of my the images.

OP posts:
3scape · 21/11/2021 17:14

It's always rude to think a child NEEDS a sibling, let alone to air it. Deleting the comment is fine as she showed herself to be quite awful. You did her a favour really.

Odile13 · 21/11/2021 17:16

YANBU for being upset and deleting the comment. She shouldn’t be saying things like that. However, she doesn’t know about your miscarriages so I’d take that into account. The comment is inappropriate and annoying but not malicious.

Suzi888 · 21/11/2021 17:19

I agree with @DontBuyANewMumCashmere
I’m sorry for your losses OPFlowers I don’t think the comment was meant unkindly/to hurt you intentionally.

Hankunamatata · 21/11/2021 17:32

Standard overexcited grandparent comment

Chloemol · 21/11/2021 17:40

No one should make any comment at any time about people having children. It is nine of their business and no one knows what’s going on in the background and no one should have to tell anyone

She is being rude. I would just block her

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2021 17:42

Totally insensitive. YANBU at all.

SnowyPetals · 21/11/2021 17:47

"
She is being rude. I would just block her"

I have never known anywhere else so obsessed with blocking people than MN! That would be a total overreaction. OP, I think you are right to delete the comment. I frequently delete things my SIL writes on my FB posts because she either mis-reads the tone of the post or makes it all about her.

SnowyPetals · 21/11/2021 17:47

Sorry - bolding fail there!

DrManhattan · 21/11/2021 17:50

That's the sort of thing people say all the time without thinking. I would try and put it behind you.

TitoMojito · 21/11/2021 17:52

YANBU. People just shouldn't make comments about people conceiving children. It's so rude.

Original poster
lark21 · 21/11/2021 17:54

Thanks for so many replies.

I think the consensus is that it's valid to be upset but I should probably let it go and not say anything.

I think, on reflection, that this is more about the fact we're seeing her next week at a family event and I'm concerned if she makes a comment in person I'd end up reacting and saying something. I obviously don't want to be upset on the day or to spoil anyones day.

Hopefully it's out of her system!

I agree it was thoughtless but not malicious.

An interesting perspective that it might be a reaction to him playing with a doll. This wouldn't actually surprise me. I don't believe in gendered play opportunity and I buy DS toys he enjoys playing with. This includes monster trucks and dolls and most things in between.

The world has gone mad if we think that 2 year old children should conform to gender role stereotypes - but that's another thread!

Thanks for all the kind & thoughtful replies! I needed that as was feeling shit!

OP posts:
HireStarter · 21/11/2021 17:56

YANBU to feel upset it's a silly comment. But in reality she probably is just being a bit ignorant, rather than intentionally rude.

YANBU to delete the comment.

I'd try to forget it now. She didn't mean harm, just made a (common) cock up. Don't explain but don't hold a grudge

Tal45 · 21/11/2021 17:59

Although it was very rude in a way this might be a good thing - at least if you're bombarded by 'when are you having another' at the family event you'll be a little bit prepared. Perhaps have an answer ready just in case.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2021 18:02

@Tal45

Although it was very rude in a way this might be a good thing - at least if you're bombarded by 'when are you having another' at the family event you'll be a little bit prepared. Perhaps have an answer ready just in case.
Sorry, how was this a good thing? There was no need for it at all. There is no need to be prepared of people aren’t totally insensitive and ask about something private.

There is no “at least”.

Nanny0gg · 21/11/2021 18:07

As he was holding a doll I can see why she said it.

That doesn't mean she should have said it