Would this annoy anyone else or am I being U?

[Sofiegiraffe]

I'll start by saying my DP is very hands on with our DC and housework. He does a lot on top of his full time job. So I think I'm being a bit picky here but this is winding me up beyond belief so I came here for some perspective. 😬

Every time he removes clothes from the dryer or radiators he dumps them in an unfolded, haphazard pile on the dining table so he can make room for the wet stuff to go on. Every time without fail. He doesn't then come back to it later and fold them into piles of who's is who's etc... Just leaves it. Sometimes for days. Inevitably I then start the process of unpicking and folding items from the random pile so they can be taken upstairs and put away.

I know it's great he does these jobs. I get that and I'm grateful (I'm currently on mat leave with our baby and he does do a lot around his job). But my frustration is twofold: 1) it's sort of like doing half a job in my opinion. I wouldn't for example remove the dishes from the dishwasher and just leave them on the side for someone to sort and put away. I'd just put them away straight away as I view it as part of the same job. 2) It creates a pain in the arse scenario for me when I'm trying to find baby's clean clothes to dress her when leaving the house in a hurry - I'm searching for things through what is effectively the equivalent of a jumble sale of clothes taking over our dining table. It's basically as though by doing one part of a job, he then creates another job for someone else.

So... AIBU that he's doing half a job here and he should at least fold neatly in a pile any clothes he removes from the radiators?! Or do I need to just accept that he at least does half a job so I should finish it off for him without grumbling? 😬

I’m with you, my husband also does what I call half jobs. Pisses me right off. Right now he’s all his clean laundry laying on th floor by the wardrobe waiting to be put away. For two days now. Fucking annoying.

Do you take it in turns to do th laundry?

Why dont you just tell him to fold them?

Pleased I'm not alone!
Yes we take all household tasks in turns - there's nothing that's "his" job or mine, for example - we just muck in together where we can, me around caring for our DC and him around his job. But my frustration is that when I do the same job, I fold the clean dry clothes instantly on removing them! So they are in neat piles of who's is who, then they can just be taken upstairs quite easily. When he does it there's a whole other task created for someone to detangle the mass of clothes and fold them. Drives me insane ...

@Lifewith

Why dont you just tell him to fold them?

Oh believe me I have. He doesn't listen. He says "I was in a hurry", for example if he was doing it before work or late on an evening wanting to get to bed. But if that's the case then come back to it later and fold? Don't leave it for days til someone else (me 🙄) finally cracks and has to sort it.

I don't think you should be 'grateful' that he pulls his weight in the house. Of course he should. That should be a basic expectation.

I understand why it's annoying. You need to either tell he has to fold it at the time or accept that he does the first half of the job (taking stuff out and putting more washing in etc.) and you do the second part (fold and put away).

Maybe folding is the one job that he absolutely hates? Everyone has one.

I don’t understand why you are leaving clean laundry “for days til someone else (me) finally cracks” ??

That’s not a healthy dynamic and the complete opposite of you saying that “we just muck in together when we can”

You are pushing your standard on to him by requiring that if he takes the dry clothes out, he must also sort, fold, and put them away immediately.

You have no turns for tasks and no assigned tasks, you’ve left it very free flowing. This means what you see as a single task (gather, sort, fold and put away laundry), he sees as multiple tasks. You simply have a different perspective and neither is right or wrong.

Personally, you either need to agree that he not bother taking of the dry laundry and putting wet on unless he also has time to sort, fold, and put away the dry laundry, or stop doing this competitive “he needs to finish it, I’m going to let the pile of clothes sit for day....” attitude.

Ok so keep reminding him. Tell him they're still there? He's probably used to you doing it.

It reminds me of Unfuck Your Habitat. There are 3 stages to laundry 1. Wash it 2. Dry it and 3. Put it away dammit!

Unfortunately, a lot of people do struggle with the third part.

My advice is to get a basket for clean laundry. Then in the evening when you are watching TV, sort it and fold it and put it away during the adverts. That's what I do anyway.

I mean sort it together. Not you do it!

@PlanDeRaccordement

I think you've managed to infer a lot there that I didn't actually say.

I don't leave it for days because I'm waiting for him to do it - I'm fully aware he won't. I just have so much other shit to do on a daily basis that I get behind with all the household tasks, including finishing off the ones DP has started. So I prioritise, and work through my list. Putting away clothes piled up on the dining table comes close to the bottom because it's not something that needs urgently attending to compared to other stuff, so I get to it eventually. But when I do, I'm irritated, because I'm thinking to myself it would have taken him an extra 3-5 mins max to fold these instead of dumping them. Instead I have to spend that time doing it. When I'm juggling a baby's needs, too, it becomes irritating to ask him to do this one small thing time and time again ....

It's not like a major issue or anything. I'm not losing sleep over it. I'm just mildly irritated and wondered if I'm being U. 🤷‍♀️

And I do see it all as one job. Like I say I wouldn't unload the dishwasher leaving the clean stuff all over the kitchen surface - it's in the way and it's just making a new job for someone else. So I put it straight in the cupboards. I see this as the equivalent.

Thank you for clarifying. The “until someone cracks” is what led me to think that was what was going on as it alludes to staring contests and other type behaviours like housemates letting dirty dishes pile up until “someone cracks” and washes them.

After your update, I’m now questioning whether the workload is actually fair between you two? If you are constantly going flat out and it takes days to get round to folding and putting away laundry,...shouldn’t he be doing a bit more in general?

If you have clothes piled up on the dining table for days, where do you sit and eat..?

@PlanDeRaccordement

Thank you for clarifying. The “until someone cracks” is what led me to think that was what was going on as it alludes to staring contests and other type behaviours like housemates letting dirty dishes pile up until “someone cracks” and washes them.

After your update, I’m now questioning whether the workload is actually fair between you two? If you are constantly going flat out and it takes days to get round to folding and putting away laundry,...shouldn’t he be doing a bit more in general?

Yes I can see how the phrasing led you to think that! It was poor phrasing. I mean the only person who ever cracks is me, no one else cares 🤣 (until they can't find their clothes, of course ....)

It's probably not completely equal because he works FT and long hours. What I meant was when he's home it's equal. But ultimately I'm home more than he is, so I get on with the bulk of it. I'm not complaining about that - he works hard. I just wish he would complete the jobs he does have a chance to do!

@TrulyPistoff

It's quite a large table so it just gets pushed down one end, and we eat at the other 🙈 not ideal, I accept!

I wouldn't for example remove the dishes from the dishwasher and just leave them on the side for someone to sort and put away. I'd just put them away straight away as I view it as part of the same job.
Me neither but my DP does! There's a lot of half-arsing going on here too and it's really annoying.

Folding and putting away the clean laundry is the worst job in the house so I can see why he avoids it as I do too there are literally memes about this - time to wash laundry: 2.5 hours? Time to put away: 7 days.

Just ask him to “help you put away the laundry” each time so that you can get though the pain together quickly. This will hopefully also serve to remind him that it’s part of the job of laundry.

No it’s annoying. I see it as part 2 of the job. It’s really easy to let the house get into a massive tip if no one actually puts the clothes away (whether clean or dirty!). I’ve been in this position before, and now force myself to do it fully!!

I use my dryer to reduce ironing. This only works if you fold them while still warm. Yanbu.

If it were me I would fold and put away my own and the Childrens clothes. I if he complained about having no clean clothes, I would say oh they are on the table, This is the sort of thing that annoys me, doing half a job which is not really helpful as it sort of makes more work….

Can you ask him to do the folding and putting away later on, at a separate time, if he doesn't have time to do it all at once?
To put it in his mental diary as another job that's waiting to be done?

Personally, I think what he's doing by taking out the dry clothes and putting in the wet ones, is fine.
But it would be good if he could do the other job as well, later on.

I guess his mental diary looks a lot different from yours, as he has to do work things at definite times, so can't always take a few extra minutes.

@Winnietherose beat me to it!
Except, I'd put all of his stuff in a crate / bag and put it out of the way somewhere.

YANBU

My DH does this. He was washing his own clothes and I didn’t mind it until he started doing the kids clothes. He’ll wash and dry them and then leave them in a bag. Doesn’t tell me until I walk into the boys’ room and they have scattered them all over the floor. I’ll ask him why he didn’t just put them away and he’ll say he doesn’t know my system. If he actually opened the baskets (it’s an IKEA open system wardrobe so can easily see the clothes inside) he would see it is tops, trousers, jumpers, etc. Yet has no issue with putting his own clothes away. The four year old picks out his own clothes and knows where to get them. Working on him being able to put his own clothes away because I definitely don’t want him following in his father’s footsteps.

Mine does the same and I’m with you! He thinks is “doing the washing” by putting it in the machine and pressing the button - then forgets about it so when I come to do some washing, I have to sort out his first. It is really annoying.

And before anyone says why don’t you do it all, wellI do try but another argument is I don’t do enough of his stuff (I do it in colours, whereas he chucks everything in together) but I have to prioritise our DDs uniform and my work clothes - he works from home mostly.

I say well if you need something in particular doing then just tell me but then he said he doesn’t want to have to think about it - oh but I must! Gggrrrr I feel your pain.

He does do other stuff in the house though and cooks 99% of the time so he’s not all bad.

Is it just a case of he just doesn't see the point of folding and putting the clothes away (I'm assuming you don't use your dining table for actually eating on, or clothes couldn't sit there for days) and you're the only one that wants them away?

My husband has a similar quirk. he will not put his clothes away in his drawers, he just puts them in a pile on top of the drawers. Once you think "Why do I care" and realise there isn't a reason other than tidiness, you can move beyond it. I suspect you do things that annoy him as well.