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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do you get over it?

53 replies

EwwwwDavid · 20/11/2021 23:50

My son died at 8 weeks and 3 days In 2009. No explanation just 'cot death'. My AIBU is do you ever get over it? I think my life is pretty good now (I've had 2 other children) h by it think it's always hanging over us

OP posts:

TrampolineForMrKite · 21/11/2021 03:06

You probably don’t, sadly. It’ll always be there. You’ll move around it but it’s too huge to ever get over. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Rno3gfr · 21/11/2021 03:15

@happytonamechangeforthis are you mental? I have one child (nearly 3) and plan to have more in a few years. Nothing will ever replace him, nor could comfort me if I lost him. That’s like suggesting someone get over loosing a parent because they have another one. It doesn’t matter whether you have one child or 12, I can’t imagine the unbearable pain. Take your lack of compassion somewhere else.

Lovingtheglitter · 21/11/2021 03:36

19 years ago our son died after an hour being born - it was devastating and although the grief has lessened over the years I often think of him.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 21/11/2021 03:37

@TrampolineForMrKite

You probably don’t, sadly. It’ll always be there. You’ll move around it but it’s too huge to ever get over. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Very well put

Monty27 · 21/11/2021 04:02

OP 30 years ago I lost my first in the same circumstances. Yes I've had two further children that I adore. But I will always grieve the loss of my DD. I did manage to get back on my feet but she's part of me as the other 2 are.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's always good to talk to those that understand. 💐

DeepDown12 · 21/11/2021 06:00

Very sorry for your loss!

Not the same but I had a few late MCs before DD was born. One was particularly late and painful and even though I never got to meet him, I still think about him all the time. I don't think losses like that ever fade - instead, I think they embed themselves into who you are and you learn how to exist with it.

Jabvribt · 21/11/2021 06:03

I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t think you ever get over losses like that, you just learn to live with it sadly

Jabvribt · 21/11/2021 06:05

Sorry I feel like my reply was a bit abrupt; I think it becomes part of you are and you carry the pain of that loss with you and become used to living with that pain. When people say time heals I think that means you just get used to the pain.

PingedPotato · 21/11/2021 06:09

@TrampolineForMrKite

You probably don’t, sadly. It’ll always be there. You’ll move around it but it’s too huge to ever get over. I’m so sorry for your loss.

I think this sums it up well. I am so sorry OP

pompomsgalore · 21/11/2021 06:11

@happytonamechangeforthis

Message deleted by MNHQ

Reported

PinkSyCo · 21/11/2021 06:11

I can’t begin to imagine the pain of losing a child, and I can’t imagine ever being able to get over it either. I just think you’re doing a fantastic job, and am in awe that you’ve even managed to get out of bed since losing your son. To you and all the other parents who have lost a child I salute you and wish you continued strength, peace and acceptance.

sanityisamyth · 21/11/2021 06:14

@happytonamechangeforthis

Message deleted by MNHQ

Wow. I've seen some heartless comments on here but I think that might be the worst.

OP please ignore this comment. Losing a child must be the worst thing to have to go through. It's never happened to me so I don't know how, or if, you ever get over it. I'm sorry to hear about your little boy.

pompomsgalore · 21/11/2021 06:18

No you don't get over it and you will carry it forever. Have you had counselling? I have and it helped and I might need to go back and get more in the future.
It never goes but it changes that you cope with it when you never thought you would.

I think having no explanation makes everything even harder as you can't understand or rationalise anything.

IGotAVaxAndILikedIt · 21/11/2021 06:27

I don't think you ever get over the loss of a child. You learn to live with it, but it is never over.

Other children are not replacements, they are people in their own right. Their presence does not negate the loss.

yellowspot · 21/11/2021 06:30

@happytonamechangeforthis

Message deleted by MNHQ

What an awful response. OP had 8 weeks of her child to fall in love with them and become attached. No amount of time or other children will completely fill the void that was left when her baby passed away.

PumpkinPie2016 · 21/11/2021 07:31

So very sorry that you have suffered such a tragic loss

I don't think you ever get over it, I think you just find ways to live with it.

Be kind to yourselves

Louise5754 · 21/11/2021 10:34

I don't understand why people keep quoting that post and then replying to it.

The op will probably not read the thread now as it's basically taken over the whole post.

FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 10:35

@Louise5754

I don't understand why people keep quoting that post and then replying to it.

The op will probably not read the thread now as it's basically taken over the whole post.

Yeah there was no need to quote it and amplify it

Cocopogo · 21/11/2021 10:40

It sounds like you’re finding it harder because it’s cot death rather than an illness as such and the suddenness and the unanswered questions are making it so painful too. Did you ever get grief counselling?

RestingMurderousFace · 21/11/2021 10:40

I don’t believe you ever get over it but you do get through it, eventually. Sorry for your loss.

Original poster

EwwwwDavid · 21/11/2021 10:43

Thank you everyone. I didn't see the post that's now deleted. Can anyone tell me what it said (without getting your own post deleted)?
I'm not sure why I was having a wobbly moment last night, everything seems worse when it's late at night doesn't it?
Anyway, today is a new day and I'm kept busy with my two little ones and their football/dancing on a Sunday.
Thanks to all who left a lovely supportive reply xxxx

OP posts:

FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 10:51

@EwwwwDavid you don't want to know. Enjoy your day xx

TheCreamCaker · 21/11/2021 11:12

EwwwwDavid So sorry for your loss. I doubt you'd ever get over it, but learn to live with it.

My friend's daughter died from Sudden Adult Death. She was 26, had had her 1st baby 2 weeks earlier, everything fine, no underlying conditions, etc. That was 13 years ago and it's still painful for my friend (naturally)
Wishing you well x

Hunderland · 21/11/2021 11:17

My daughter died as a baby over 20 years ago, I still chat about her now to her siblings (they never met her, she was my oldest) and my friends, many knew her.

You don't get over it but time lessens the pain.

hangrylady · 21/11/2021 11:36

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I have no words of advice I'm afraid but I don't think losing someone you love is something that you get over. I think it becomes less raw over time and other parts of your life take over so the grief is not as all encompassing.

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