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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut ties with old friend?

27 replies

LolaGee · 20/11/2021 10:30

My friend of ten years has a drinking problem. She also uses cocaine excessively. This developed over lockdown and she lost her job due to it.

No one else will speak to her so I feel like I am her last chance. She's asked to move in with me and my bf for a couple of weeks while she gets back on her feet.

She's found a job in my city and says she'll use her days off to go flat hunting. The last time I saw her she was absolutely wasted. She embarrassed me in front of my friends and I had to take her home and put her to bed.

I feel on edge around her. I don't particularly want to give her keys to my house as I don't trust her anymore.
However, we used to be so close. I feel like if I cut ties then she may do something stupid.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 20/11/2021 10:33

I would not allow her to move in for a start.
You don't have to cut her off if you don't want to. You could say that she cannot live with you after what she did because you don't want that in your home.

You could continue to text her, call her or meet her for coffee etc if you wanted to

But if you need to walk away for your own sake that's perfectly understandable.

3scape · 20/11/2021 10:36

I'd cut her adrift. Addicts don't change. They just get better lies. Sorry op I know it's a very negative view but you HAVE to protect yourself. She will never have a priority above her addiction.

billy1966 · 20/11/2021 10:44

Absolutely not.

You are guaranteed drama and upset.

She would likely be difficult to get rid of.

Do not entertain this for a moment if you don't want drama.

Step away.

thefirstmrsrochester · 20/11/2021 10:45

Don’t let her move into your house OP, as much as you want to help your friend, she will bring the chaos of addition with her.

Addiction support services are scant, but they are there and after 10 years of addictive behaviours, she won’t be able to sort herself out in a matter of weeks, she needs professional help and support.

You can still be there for her, but her life and how she lives it is not your responsibility.

JollyJoon · 20/11/2021 10:46

It sounds like lockdown caused her life to go off the rails.

She hasn't let you down yet, you are presuming she will

Is this not the exact type of circumstance where a person could really do with a friend to shoulder them? If not then you arent friends, you're drinking buddies

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/11/2021 10:49

Do not let her move into your house - you know this would be a disaster.

However you don’t need to cut her off - you can keep encouraging her to get help for her addiction. Just keep up strong boundaries with a person like this.

Original poster
LolaGee · 20/11/2021 10:53

I really do want to be there for her but she makes it very very difficult. She lost her driving license due to drunk driving which I abhor; I found it very difficult to speak to her after that.

I also don't want to be the last in a very long line of people who have abandoned her.

OP posts:
JollyJoon · 20/11/2021 10:56

Personally I would let her stay but make it clear it's for 2 weeks only and I wouldn't give her a key. So she leaves and comes home at the same time as you.

Tibtab · 20/11/2021 10:59

If she moves in, she won’t move out. Just prepare for it to affect your relationship with your BF.

PatsyJStone · 20/11/2021 11:01

Don’t be forced into letting her stay by feeling guilty about ‘abandoning’ her. Be the best friend you can in other ways for her. If it gets too much then you have a choice to make.

LIZS · 20/11/2021 11:04

You can support her without enabling her. If she moves in it will break the friendship and be difficult to move her on. Offer to help her look for accommodation but without an income or deposit she may come looking for a loan and/or guarantor.

cooldarkroom · 20/11/2021 11:12

Do not her move in

WanderleyWagon · 20/11/2021 11:52

I second the people who have said don't let her move in. I know it feels a bit heartless, but there are other ways of supporting her (not financially! but with your time and moral support). I'd definitely hold this boundary.

Piggyk2 · 20/11/2021 11:56

Can your friend not rent a room? I wouldn't do it OP. I think letting a friend move in with you in these circumstances would lead to a fall out anyway. Don't do it.

Chloemol · 20/11/2021 12:47

Don’t let her move in

You can support by finding her a room to rent, by helping with her finding a job, but thats it

No lending/giving money, not moving into your home

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 20/11/2021 12:51

I absolutely would not let her move in. In these situations eople rarely stay for the time period they say they will. Two weeks leads to two months, etc etc. Secondly, I defo would not want to open my house to an addict.

Id help her find a room/flat though and get on her feet that way.

Coffeeandteevee · 20/11/2021 12:51

Under no circumstances let her move in. It will end your friendship if she moves in anyway as she will cause no end of grief. Tell her you love her but after what happened you can't have her move in with you.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 20/11/2021 12:53

It sounds like you either don’t want to cut her off or are looking for reasons so you can cut her off.

Your posts make clear a number of reasons to cut her off - drink driving for a start.

If you don’t want to cut her off, it is perfectly reasonable to say ‘you can’t stay at my place but I will help you flat hunt or look for a room share’.

LovesColourGreen · 20/11/2021 13:13

I really empathise with you OP. A close (sadly deceased) member of my family was an alcoholic and I witnessed many things as a teenager that I wish I hadn't but thankfully they didn't live with me.

My advice would be to not allow your friend to move in as your whole life will then be consumed by trying to help and you will very directly be affected by their addiction, when you will really need some respite as it could affect you mentally. If you feel you can; support her to become clean and make the right choices again, and offer to help her flat hunt, find a job etc. I wouldn't give or lend any money either, you'd be funding her habit.

There has been a fair bit of addiction/mental illness in my family and I learned very quickly you can only help someone who wants to be helped, lets you help, and is willing to help themselves. Good luck Smile

TheAverageUser · 20/11/2021 13:16

I definitely wouldn't let her move in to the house.

You don't have to abandon her but just don't support the addiction at all, don't give her money, a place to stay, bail her out etc...you can still be there for her but protect yourself and try to separate in your head the addict and the person/ your friend.

Notimefor · 20/11/2021 13:39

Don’t let her move I - no way.. just be there, but if she is in a massive addiction problem you can’t help until she is ready to sort herself out. I would be explicit, tell her why she can’t move in,tell her your worried about her and you will be there when she is ready to accept help.

30whatacrock · 20/11/2021 13:42

I wouldn’t touch her with a barge pole, regardless of how long you’ve been friends. Once someone has started doing something illegal that would cross a line for me.

If you let her move in, she’ll bring class A drugs into your house. I wouldn’t even let her cross the threshold.

lawandgin · 20/11/2021 13:50

My brother is a cocaine addict who is about to lose his home. He won't be living with me or my parents. This should tell you everything you need to know about whether you should open up your home to an addict or not. You can support her in plenty of other (non financial) ways. You didn't cause it and you can't change it or control it - "it" being her addictions. Tell yourself this on a daily basis and do not let her or anyone else make you feel like you are letting her down.

HeartsAndClubs · 20/11/2021 13:52

Absolutely do not let her move in.

If my partner moved a cokehead into the house I would move out. You would be unreasonable to inflict this woman on your partner.

As for feeling responsible, no you’re not. She and only she is responsible for the state she’s in and if anything happens to her. Only she can break the cycle of addiction, and if she hasn’t managed it in 10 years then she’s not likely to manage it now, and before you know it she’ll have lost her job because of her drug use and you won’t be able to get rid of her plus your house will have illegal drugs in it.

The way to help her is to point her to services to help her and tell her she needs to get help for herself.

Absolutely don’t move her in, and don’t give her any money. It’ll just be used to fund her drug habit, and do you really want to be paying for that?

chonkybuoy · 20/11/2021 15:18

I would absolutely not allow her to move in.