To think shouting isn't a desirable trait as a youth worker?

[illsitbyyou]

I have been a youth worker for the past year. I love my job, I have great relationships with the kids and they seem to take to me.

I'm very sarcastic as a person and have discovered that many kids are comfortable with that and don't know how to take me. So I've had to change that.

I'm very laid back, even with my own daughter (8) , I don't really shout unless it is absolutely necessary and I have been pushed to my limit. For instance, if I shout, my daughter instantly towes the line and gets a fright because it happens so little.

I grew up in a household where screaming was the only means of communication and I hated it so it just doesn't come naturally for me to shout unless really really pushed and I mean 8 + times.

Anyways, yesterday at youth group a little boy (who neither I nor the other youth worker have ever met) attended the youth group. We were playing a game of tug of war and this little boys leg got tangled in the rope and he ended up getting pulled.

We ended the game immediately and helped him. Once he was out he hopped over the counter from the hall into the kitchen and hid in the kitchen counter. He is about 7 years old.

My initial reaction was 1. He was embarrassed and/or 2. This may be a defence mechanism in his home, where he hides when he feels uncomfortable, Unequipped to deal with it any other way.

I went to speak to him and was doing so calmly and then my colleague came in and absolutely roared 'get out of the cupboard now!' He made me jump.

This little boy then run out of the door and bolted, never to be seen again. I felt so uncomfortable and was later told by my colleague that these kids need some discipline and not to be scared to shout.

I'll not be able to do this job of shouting is mandatory. I believe kids need understanding and empathetic adults and that little boy would have been fine if he wasn't roared at. I feel like they might get enough shouting at home and that's not our job.

Surely our job is to make them feel safe and communicate effectively?

I am doing my masters in social work and this way of communicating with children seriously goes against everything I've been taught on my placements. I'm really struggling with this.

AIBU and do I need to just toughen up?

I completely agree with you. Im a teacher and I'm very quiet and softly spoken. I would never shout at a child unless they had done something horrifically awful and dangerous.

I have a colleague who looks after a sen child in my class and she is always snapping and shouting at him. I hate it.

Well from your post he did make the boy scared
So I don't think the shouting achieved anything positive here

Is this person your colleague or your boss? If they are just your colleague, you are perfectly entitled to tell them to fuck off and you'll deal with the kids as you see fit.

I work in a somewhat similar environment (not with children) and there is an alarming number of people who think you have to be aggressive and confrontational in order to deal with aggressive people, and who think that anyone who isn't confrontational is some sort of wuss. Top tip: you don't, and I'm not.

Definitely not being unreasonable, OP. Shouting at children does nothing but give them anxiety. Also, this isn't what you want to be teaching children about communication.

My neighbour shouts all the time at her kid. The kid now shouts all the time too. It's like the honey monster and co live nextdoor to me.

You're in the right here, shouting is not a desirable trait in anyone. That boy was clearly scared and your colleague made things worse for no good reason.

Absolutely not ol for him to be shouting at a child in that situation. I'm OK with people shouting at my kids if it's warranted but that's just ridiculous. I would report that to be honest.

Has anybody checked that this child is safe, since he ran out of the door never to be seen again? If not, I would be very worried about him.

And no, I don't think shouting is the answer.

That poor little boy. He was already frightened and your colleague shouting at him would gave scared him more. I agree shouting doesn't do much but I rarely shout. When I do shout my kids do as they have been asked to as they know I am fed up

I'm talking to my friend who says I should report it? Do you think I should? He genuinely roared but I also don't want to cause any shit.

I wouldn’t shout at my own child for this. The child was clearly upset and that’s why he hid. I’d report it. Your colleague could really cause some emotional damage to a child if he hasnt already

I agree with you, poor child. There's was no need to shout in that situation, the child had been hurt and didn't seem to have done anything wrong.
I work with children in the NHS and I'm pretty sure if I roared at them I'd lose my job. Yet, I go into to schools regularly and hear teachers and teaching staff shouting at children all the time and it does not sit well with me. I don't send my own children out to school to listen to teachers lose their temper.

Don't change who you are just because you see others act that way, be the difference. You might have been the only person all day that gave that child the time of day.

Yes you should report it.

The child did nothing wrong.

I'm surprised you need reassurance on this point as a trainee social worker.

What's actually worrying is that the child in question felt the need to hide at all.

That's a safeguarding red flag to me right there - hiding in "small" spaces is a common childhood self preservation response to fear from an adult. They want to get into a space where adults can't follow.

The fact your co-worker yelled at him is utterly inappropriate.

Are you saying a 7 year old left your care and ran away? You wouldn't need to be reporting that if it were my child, I would have already done it.

I completely agree with you. When our DC were little, we used to say "We're not a shouting household", to remind them to speak calmly, and DH and I have maintained this over the years. I can remember the single time I have shouted at either of my DC (who are both now teens) and the exact reason - and importantly, so can she! Because hearing me shout is such a rare occurrence, the behaviour that warranted it has never been repeated. Maintaining a calm way of speaking with children is the best way to encourage them to do the same.

OP, I think I would try and speak to the other Youth Worker in the first instance. Just say "I was wondering if we could have a quick chat about when Bobby got in the cupboard the other day - I thought it might be an idea for us to come up with some sort of agreed way of approaching these sorts of situations" and go from there. You're in the right, so speak up!

I would absolutely say something because there was no reason for him to have shouted like that at all.

Where did he go if he was never to be seen again?

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Are you saying a 7 year old left your care and ran away? You wouldn't need to be reporting that if it were my child, I would have already done it.

It's a drop in youth group, the children can come and go as they please, the parents are aware of that. We can't leave a full youth group if a child chooses to leave.

@Chchchanger

Where did he go if he was never to be seen again?

I'm assuming home

As a youth worker I am more concerned about an obviously upset and possibly vulnerable child running off and you have no idea if he is safe. To my mind that is the most important thing.

Surely at 7 the parents should be signing them in/out and leaving a contact number? I know that's what happens around here. What a bizarre set up if not!

As for your colleague, yes I'd be reporting him. That's awful behaviour from him. Thinking he's the big man shouting at a small child 🤬

Wow I'd missed he was just 7

I work with teens and never shout. I do think firmly but I’d be more of a ‘please, you have to go outside now, you can’t be in this room as I am locking it up’ - if they then refused to move I would not shout ‘GET OUTTT’ like some colleagues would, I’d explain why they had to get out and then say ‘you’ve got twenty seconds’. I think explaining WHY kids have to do something is so important

Do you really have a drop in for under 8s? Are you in England?

For those concerned about the 7yo not being signed in and out, Some youth groups aren’t like brownies or scouts or a hobby class, lots of estates have centers where the kids can literally drop in and out from as young as 7. They can come for a drink, food, activities whatever or just pop in for a snack and leave. Parents often don’t bring them, they won’t drop them and be there are finishing time. They often don’t know they’re even there!

@Blueeyedgirl21

For those concerned about the 7yo not being signed in and out, Some youth groups aren’t like brownies or scouts or a hobby class, lots of estates have centers where the kids can literally drop in and out from as young as 7. They can come for a drink, food, activities whatever or just pop in for a snack and leave. Parents often don’t bring them, they won’t drop them and be there are finishing time. They often don’t know they’re even there!

This