To think shouting isn't a desirable trait as a youth worker?

[illsitbyyou]

I have been a youth worker for the past year. I love my job, I have great relationships with the kids and they seem to take to me.

I'm very sarcastic as a person and have discovered that many kids are comfortable with that and don't know how to take me. So I've had to change that.

I'm very laid back, even with my own daughter (8) , I don't really shout unless it is absolutely necessary and I have been pushed to my limit. For instance, if I shout, my daughter instantly towes the line and gets a fright because it happens so little.

I grew up in a household where screaming was the only means of communication and I hated it so it just doesn't come naturally for me to shout unless really really pushed and I mean 8 + times.

Anyways, yesterday at youth group a little boy (who neither I nor the other youth worker have ever met) attended the youth group. We were playing a game of tug of war and this little boys leg got tangled in the rope and he ended up getting pulled.

We ended the game immediately and helped him. Once he was out he hopped over the counter from the hall into the kitchen and hid in the kitchen counter. He is about 7 years old.

My initial reaction was 1. He was embarrassed and/or 2. This may be a defence mechanism in his home, where he hides when he feels uncomfortable, Unequipped to deal with it any other way.

I went to speak to him and was doing so calmly and then my colleague came in and absolutely roared 'get out of the cupboard now!' He made me jump.

This little boy then run out of the door and bolted, never to be seen again. I felt so uncomfortable and was later told by my colleague that these kids need some discipline and not to be scared to shout.

I'll not be able to do this job of shouting is mandatory. I believe kids need understanding and empathetic adults and that little boy would have been fine if he wasn't roared at. I feel like they might get enough shouting at home and that's not our job.

Surely our job is to make them feel safe and communicate effectively?

I am doing my masters in social work and this way of communicating with children seriously goes against everything I've been taught on my placements. I'm really struggling with this.

AIBU and do I need to just toughen up?

I do admit 7 is young as I’ve only attended ones that are 9+ but it is not beyond the realms of what I’d expect in some areas

The 9+ ones they just say they expect children to make their own decision on whether they are able to make their own way home etc

For a lot of kids If they had to brought, signed in and out etc then they’d never attend as no one would bring them

I work with young children (in the arts though, not youth work) to me the hiding in the cupboard suggests the child expects to get yelled at, or worse, for bad behaviour - it’s definitely a safeguarding red flag. Not a major one on its own, but one to keep an eye on and certainly for me would be a sign to be keeping my behaviour management very clear and calm.
The fact they were shouted at like that makes my blood run cold. If I were you I would definitely be reporting/escalating this - the idea ‘these kids just need discipline’ is really damaging and insidious (and, in the contexts I work in, borderline racist in many cases ‘oh, it’s in their culture to be hit at home, so you need to at least yell at them for anything to get through’ )

Shouting isn’t acceptable and yes you should report to someone.

Poor lad. I hope he was ok.

Yes, not a desirable trait!

I am a mum of 3. 2 DC have ASD. Worked many years as a HLTA. A few of my colleagues over the years thought I was too soft (despite having sat in all the same SEN and trauma training sessions, outlining the need to build positive relationships!) These colleagues were always quick to shout and thought they were the bee's knees because their classes were always the quietest. Truth is, the kids were scared of them and absolutely wouldn't go to them if they had a problem!!!

If I could go back in time, with one particular young, female, basic level training TA (that made it clear she thought I was too soft,) I would tell he she was a BULLY.

Discipline doesn't equal frightening!

@Blueeyedgirl21

I do admit 7 is young as I’ve only attended ones that are 9+ but it is not beyond the realms of what I’d expect in some areas

The 9+ ones they just say they expect children to make their own decision on whether they are able to make their own way home etc

For a lot of kids If they had to brought, signed in and out etc then they’d never attend as no one would bring them

I had thought the rule with open access was only over 8s, but having looked it up it's actually over 5s.

This is what worries me about some youth clubs really. Often they are attended (especially the drop in and put types) by children who are having a difficult time at home for one reason or another. Then they can be staffed by underqualified adults who have little understanding of child development and behave like failed drill sergeant types. Safeguarding can be really poor in these places too, as this so called "tough love" approach means bullying and worse can be tolerated. I think these centres serve a really valuable role but the decrease in oversight in the last few years has made it more difficult to be confident they are fully safe.

Drop in or not - a 7 year old that ran away because he was scared should have been checked up on.

Surely someone rang his parents to let them know that it had happened?

Did you even get the chance to properly check that he wasn’t hurt after being tangled in the rope?

I’d also be having a word with the colleague and making it clear that whilst they can do their work their way I absolutely do not need someone taking over how I’m dealing with a child.
Unless they’re your boss they were absolutely out of order talking over you like that.

@JustLyra

Drop in or not - a 7 year old that ran away because he was scared should have been checked up on.

Surely someone rang his parents to let them know that it had happened?

Did you even get the chance to properly check that he wasn’t hurt after being tangled in the rope?

How would they have his parent's number? Most 7 year old's aren't going to know their parents' phone numbers.

Gosh I didn't know there were drop in centres where children could come and go from as young as that

@purpleme12

Gosh I didn't know there were drop in centres where children could come and go from as young as that

I didn't either. What a depressing way to live where drop in centres are attended by such young children. Parents oblivious to where they are and who is with them and in this case, yelling at them. What chance do kids like this poor lad have? Society just creates these god awful places where they can just pop in and out unsupervised from age 5. It's a band aid on a gaping wound. Absolutely terrible the UK

@Chchchanger it’s really not unique to the UK at all