AIBU to expect SIL spends a similar amount of our kids as we do on hers, even though we have 3?!

[Schooldilemma2345]

I probably could have worded that a bit better! Essentially I’m asking whether it’s acceptable for my sister in law to expect us to spend £40 on her only child and then only spend £15 on each of our children? I’m wondering if it’s because we have 3!
For context: we asked SIL what her child would like for Xmas and the suggested Amazon link costs £40. She rarely asks what our children would like and the presents they receive are always pretty inexpensive or something she’s picked up at the school fair. On one occasion is was a knitted teddy type thing each which couldn’t have cost more then a fiver. Recently she sent us a message asking us to buy a particular item of clothing for her child that cost around £25 as a birthday present. She didn’t mention my son’s birthday which is a few days before her child’s. We obliged and then as an after thought she transferred £15 into our account as a birthday present for my son. She didn’t send a card or wish him happy birthday or anything. Last year for Xmas she said she would like to buy the present from us to her child. We had a family gathering at our house just before xmas and she dumped a bag of stuff on me to urgently wrap while I was hosting. She then told me what I owed her which was £30. The presents she gave my children would not have cost anything like that amount.
For the record I don’t begrudge spending £40 on her child but I do feel it’s somewhat more than the average amount that side of the family spend on each other and it feels a little greedy given what her budget is!
She is very focused on her child but she will almost always forget my children’s and my husbands birthdays. She never asks what they want.
For the record she is very well off financially, think several holidays a year- annual ski trip is a human right! We, by comparison are much less well off, we are self employed and our business has been hit very hard by the pandemic. I genuinely don’t feel remotely jealous btw- I just feel we are a bit less materialistic as a family generally. I wanted to make the distinction before people say perhaps she can’t afford to spend more.
I don’t expect everything to be even to the penny and I know my kids don’t need her to spend a fortune on them. They’re very lucky and are grateful for what they receive.
It’s just the disparity in budget and also attitude that I’m finding a bit odd but perhaps it’s me who is wrong here.
So, AIBU- yes- a budget should be total per family, split between how ever many siblings are in the family.
Not unreasonable- each child should receive a gift of roughly the same value even if one is an only child and there are 3 kids in other family.

I have one child. I have 2 best friends that we do xmas presents for the kids and we always done 15.00 per child. One of them has two but she has never spent more on mine. Dont really bother me. We do all ask what they want but now adays all older so cash or a voucher with some chocolate. My brother has two. I spend 20.00 each on his kids. He does give my son 50.00 but he is a high earner but I dont expect it.

It honestly sounds like you've both forgotten what giving presents is all about!!!

I always give my 2 nephews $50each and my sister never gives my sister anything, same for birthdays except I give them $20 each.

I think my sister should do something but I don't get upset about it as I am doing it for the kids, not her.

Give what you want, let her give what she wants and leave it at that, if she asks for something without you prompting her just ignore it or tell her you've already organised something.

I have a budget for each child in the family. The gift is not for the family it’s for the child. As I only have 1 child it means I will always spend more on individual families than they spend on mine. I’m fine with this. Maybe best to stop the presents and everyone spend what they want on their own kids.

Also people have different budgets so some members of the family give DD less than other family members. Also fine with this as they have to work with their own budget.

I think roughly the same amount on each family is fine, I.e. £10 on each of your kids, £25 on hers. However, money aside, she sounds incredibly rude. I would give the tat she buys your kids back to her and tell her to sell it on ebay like she did to you!!

Going forward, transfer her £25 each Christmas and birthday. Let her do the same. Job done.

Take back control over what you give, and what you spend and accept that she has the right to do the same. If she doesn't want to give your children gifts one year, or only buy token presents then that is entirely up to her, it shouldn't change what you decide to do unless you feel that gift giving is a transaction. You cannot make her spend more on your kids than she would like, and you shouldn't feel hard done by.
If you want things to be equal and predictable etc then you will have to take into account other people's opinions and therefore it will be become a negotiation. You lose the right to do exactly as you please, ie give as much as you please.
The whole 'making things equal' present game then becomes more difficult because these kind of people tie themselves in knots, taking into account all sorts of variables, on both sides of the equation. It gets complicated and often leads to people feeling disappointed and pushed around. My advice is to be in control by ignoring present suggestions( think of them yourself) ignore any complaints and ideas such as selling gifts on eBay and giving money. Some people become really cheeky if you let them. Don't let them and don't be one.

It's not really the spend per kid that's the issue here, but asking for specific items and sending you a links for them(!), without asking what your kids would like, is so grabby and lacking in class! If she were badly off financially would be more forgivable, but that doesn't sound like that's the case here.

I would message her saying that you're increasingly worried about your environmental impact, and suggest you both get token second hand gifts for the kids rather than buying new.

@jackstini

Just say, please buy your dd whatever she would like and I'll give you a tag to put on it

I will do same for my kids

No money changes hands, you both spend what you are comfortable with

I would say fair to spend similar amounts overall

I think this is the best suggestion, with ceasing exchanging presents for the kids a close second. Your SIL's attitude is shockingly grabby and her actions are so cringeworthy. I wouldn't encourage her by asking what to buy for her dc, as she clearly isn't interested in buying yours what they'd like. She makes it plain she doesn't care!

I have one dc, my DSis has two. I give them roughly the same value presents and if I give them cash instead, I give them the same amount and don't expect DSis to give my one twice as much. That would be penalising the two DNs for having a sibling and I don't grudge them a penny anyway.

We have this, my sister used to send ideas that were always £50 plus for each of her three kids. One year she gave my only DS all regifted things, another year all from £ shop, one of her kids let it slip. After that I give only £20 cash each (they are older now) and that is it. She took the piss for years but not any more. We are both comfortable but I just resent grabbiness combined with meanness. I gifted her DD an expensive bag for her 18th and she complained and said it was “too small”. Entitled like their mum!

Tell them that we all think it’s a good idea to set a gift limit of £20 for the children in the family. For birthday and Christmas etc

If she ever comes in expecting you to wrap again, show her where the paper and sellotape are. Do not entertain her entitlement.