AIBU to expect SIL spends a similar amount of our kids as we do on hers, even though we have 3?!

[Schooldilemma2345]

I probably could have worded that a bit better! Essentially I’m asking whether it’s acceptable for my sister in law to expect us to spend £40 on her only child and then only spend £15 on each of our children? I’m wondering if it’s because we have 3!
For context: we asked SIL what her child would like for Xmas and the suggested Amazon link costs £40. She rarely asks what our children would like and the presents they receive are always pretty inexpensive or something she’s picked up at the school fair. On one occasion is was a knitted teddy type thing each which couldn’t have cost more then a fiver. Recently she sent us a message asking us to buy a particular item of clothing for her child that cost around £25 as a birthday present. She didn’t mention my son’s birthday which is a few days before her child’s. We obliged and then as an after thought she transferred £15 into our account as a birthday present for my son. She didn’t send a card or wish him happy birthday or anything. Last year for Xmas she said she would like to buy the present from us to her child. We had a family gathering at our house just before xmas and she dumped a bag of stuff on me to urgently wrap while I was hosting. She then told me what I owed her which was £30. The presents she gave my children would not have cost anything like that amount.
For the record I don’t begrudge spending £40 on her child but I do feel it’s somewhat more than the average amount that side of the family spend on each other and it feels a little greedy given what her budget is!
She is very focused on her child but she will almost always forget my children’s and my husbands birthdays. She never asks what they want.
For the record she is very well off financially, think several holidays a year- annual ski trip is a human right! We, by comparison are much less well off, we are self employed and our business has been hit very hard by the pandemic. I genuinely don’t feel remotely jealous btw- I just feel we are a bit less materialistic as a family generally. I wanted to make the distinction before people say perhaps she can’t afford to spend more.
I don’t expect everything to be even to the penny and I know my kids don’t need her to spend a fortune on them. They’re very lucky and are grateful for what they receive.
It’s just the disparity in budget and also attitude that I’m finding a bit odd but perhaps it’s me who is wrong here.
So, AIBU- yes- a budget should be total per family, split between how ever many siblings are in the family.
Not unreasonable- each child should receive a gift of roughly the same value even if one is an only child and there are 3 kids in other family.

Another vote for stopping buying presents here.
We did this a few years ago with one of my DH's siblings. They have a large family who we don't even see very often. We were spending a fortune on gifts and they were doing similar, albeit for a smaller number of our children. It was pointless really. We had a conversation and just said spend what you would have spent on our children on your own, and we will do the same. Nobody minded and it saved a lot of hassle.

@Dontjudgeme101

I would stop buying presents if l was you.

This.

Just stop.

The year she returned the present and suggested itwas sold on ebay would have been the last year I went to the time or trouble of buying one. How rude!!

For the record, I have no expectations of what she ‘should’ spend collectively on my children! But equally I think her expectations of what I should spend on her child is quite a lot. I would like to spend about £25- I feel comfortable with that. I don’t mind what she spends but if she is planning to spend £5 on each of my kids I don’t think she should suggest a present that costs £40 for her child.
I guess opinions are quite divided here. Interesting the person who said I was expecting her to take all the mental load by not providing links to suggestions for my kids. I would happily do that but I feel it’s rude to ask for something specific unless that person asks you to suggest something.
I think next year I’ll just give a voucher- that can’t be ‘wrong’ and hopefully won’t be given back!

Presents are meant to be a voluntary thing. It all sounds more like a transaction here! I have never insisted someone spend a particular amount on my children, I can't imagine the mindset. Both of you are being unreasonable.

She sounds very rude i agree with pp's just stop buying for them!

Why don't you just transfer the money you're happy to give?

Was going to say yabu just on the calculations you posted, but when I read how rude she is I thought differently!

Voucher for the amount you’d actually like to spend?

My sister has one DC and I have 2. I expect to spend roughly double on hers what she spends on each of mine so it all works out about the same.

I'm one of six siblings, four of whom had children.

Every one of us has a different budget for nibling presents, and they've never been discussed. Present suggestions, where they happen, always involve a range of prices.

Buy what you want to buy, spending what you want to spend. Hand the present to the child, and concentrate on them.

Totally separately, if your SIL takes no interest in her niblings, that's her loss.

I know what you mean, OP.

The expected amount normally spent in my family is £25 each on niblings. Both of my siblings have 3 children and I have one.

One sibling buys my DD something worth £25 while I spend £75 on her three kids. She thinks this is fair and right.

The other sibling spends around £75 on my DD because I spend £75 on his three kids. He thinks this is fair and right (obvs I agree here 🤣)

Sibling 1 thinks DD is being favoured over the other kids; sibling 2 thinks it’s unfair that I am always spending three times the amount on the other families than they spend in return. (FWIW I am the middle income and Generous Sibling is better off than Less Generous Sibling 🤣)

I can see both views. But if we all stick to the allotted amount I will always end up paying more than the other siblings just because I couldn’t have more children, which does seem pretty unfair tbh.

I tend to favour an option which is something like: DD gets a bit more spent on her, but not three times as much - but sibling 1 will not have this at all. It’s got to be not even a penny over £25.

Tbh I would expect the budget to stretch over as many children as I had against the number someone else had. So if I have four and they had two my children's gifts would be less per child but same spend overall. That is assuming similar financial circumstances.

We have a family secret Santa of £10/ person but where one family has more dc it can be a bit lower if wanted , I’m doing them all the same. Your SIL sounds a bit thoughtless though so I think this is more the issue than value of gift

@Schooldilemma2345

For people saying why do I ask what we should buy her child, I do now because a couple of times I’ve just chosen something I thought she’d like (always around the £25 mark) and she’s never been impressed with the present! She makes comments like, next time maybe get x or my child isn’t really into this sort or thing. On one occasion she actually gave me back to present and suggested I sold it on eBay and gave her child the money instead.

Buy what you want. and when she comments, comment back with ' I was similarly unimpressed with yours', or 'same for what you picked out for mine'

We were in the opposite situation to you, with DH's two siblings having two and three kids respectively. We would buy five presents every time, and get two back. I know it's the thought that counts, but if you are buying a present for each of theirs, the least they could have done was think 'oh they spend three times as much on ours so we'd better spend a bit more than a tenner on their one'.

for larger families I do one present, spend 50 or so, and get one more expensive thing they can enjoy together. Why don't you propose that to her? then you're stopping cheap tat, and getting something better for your DC.

Just agree not to do gifts this year. £40 for a nephew or neice is ridiculous

Just say, please buy your dd whatever she would like and I'll give you a tag to put on it

I will do same for my kids

No money changes hands, you both spend what you are comfortable with

I would say fair to spend similar amounts overall

My brother was always similar, giving us a list etc
The last time he messaged to suggest a certain gift (despite being notoriously difficult to get hold of/commit to any plans he was always rather proactive when it came to dictating gifts in plenty of advance) I just said thanks for the suggestion but this year the kids wanted to be more involved in the gift giving side of things and choose his gifts, wrap them up etc which I think is a lovely gesture from them to their cousin.

I think yabu, sorry. If you spend on one child £40, then it's fair they spend a similar amount on your family. Otherwise its unfair to expect they spend £120, when you've spent far less. If it's stressing you out, why not suggest to end all presents. That's what we did, best thing we ever did.

Just exchange token gifts (£5-10 per child) and spend what you save on your own children.

I think each child should have the same value spent on them but the issue is in the inflated expectations of what that amount is. If you were just buying a book or small gift per child, the discrepancy wouldn't matter as much.

@Schooldilemma2345

For people saying why do I ask what we should buy her child, I do now because a couple of times I’ve just chosen something I thought she’d like (always around the £25 mark) and she’s never been impressed with the present! She makes comments like, next time maybe get x or my child isn’t really into this sort or thing. On one occasion she actually gave me back to present and suggested I sold it on eBay and gave her child the money instead.

I think she's rude and grabby and I wouldn't like someone asking me wrap something and transfer money to her account - how mercenary

YABU. You have 3 she has 1. Why should she spend £120 on three presents to your one £40

Her spending £15 on each sounds fine to £40 for hers

However if you are that concerned why dont you say let’s stop buying presents for everyone

I don't know how she gets to "expect" you spend a certain amount, but generally yes, I think it's correct that she spends roughly the same sum on her brother's family as he spends on hers.

Personally though it depends on what people want/need and how flush I feel at the time and no one keeps count.

If it's not being done as people going out and choosing presents for the nieces and nephews, maybe the simplest thing would be for each parent to put the same amount into the kitty, and then spend the same amount on each child. Okay, so that means that effectively the parent-of-more is contributing to their own kids' aunt&uncle presents, but it does keep the spending and receiving equitable.