To want another baby so that I can do it right?

[Donttakethecake]

Let me try to explain. I don't actually want another baby. I'm late 30s, having a baby wouldn't be practical for so many reasons.

I need to try and reframe my thinking.

Whenever I hear of someone getting pregnant or having a baby in the perfect circumstances I get a pang of jealousy.

Both of my dc were born through less than great circumstances. Ds1s father became violent and treated me like absolute crap resulting in me having to flee a few days before giving birth. His father has never bothered with him. I've been a good mum to him, but still feel sad about how he was brought into the world. It was a lonely time.

Then with ds2 my now dh had a wobble early on in the pregnancy and again, treated me like crap, decided he didn't want a baby after all, then insisted on telling his parents before the scan against my wishes. Although he did come round and now absolutely dotes on ds I can't forget those early weeks and months. After ds was born I allowed way too many visitors some who were rude and far outstayed their welcome (think a neighbour sitting there for 4 hours).

I wish I'd been more assertive and put myself first because it ruined what should have been a happy time.

Both dc are older now, happy, healthy, wonderful little people, we are all settled. It's just that jealous, sad feeling I get whenever I see families doing everything the right way.

There is no right way. You have no idea what goes on behind other people’s doors, so don’t let social media fool you and make you feel less.

If you want to do it right from here, then I would concentrate on making your existing children’s lives as good as they can possibly be. Starting again with a new baby feels dismissive of them and their childhoods, as if they’re somehow tainted or defective, and not fixable. They might not have had the ‘perfect’ start, but you can do everything in your power to make up for that now.

Nobody's doing it perfectly. Everybody would change something about how things went, or how they'd do things if given another chance etc.

I watched a friend have another baby soon after her 1st, because she wanted to try doing it better (the things she perceived as "bad" had been completely out of her control), and it was very much like she was replacing the first with a "better version" - wanting a better sleeper, a better feeder, a less fussy baby etc. Her eldest was totally normal for a baby, but she was convinced she could do better. It was very sad to see.

If you're in a good place now, with your older 2, and you don't actually want a baby for the baby itself, then I'd say don't do it. If something isn't perfect next time round, how many will you keep having? ;)

Well you must remember OP that those families who are, what you say is, "doing it right" will have their own things going on.

No one has the Facebook perfect life they present in real life. You won't see the neighbours staying for 4 hours, or the nights of no sleep which cause the arguments the next day and so on...

No one necessarily "does it right". There are things I wish I'd done differently when mine were born but you can't live your life like that, there will be others who would look at me and wish they'd done what I did and on it goes.

We all just do, no one's way is better than someone else. There are all sorts of bumps in everyone's life that you likely won't always know about and the likelihood is it wouldn't be "perfect" even if you were to have another baby now.

@MsAgnesDiPesto

There is no right way. You have no idea what goes on behind other people’s doors, so don’t let social media fool you and make you feel less.

If you want to do it right from here, then I would concentrate on making your existing children’s lives as good as they can possibly be. Starting again with a new baby feels dismissive of them and their childhoods, as if they’re somehow tainted or defective, and not fixable. They might not have had the ‘perfect’ start, but you can do everything in your power to make up for that now.

This.

Also, how would you be giving a baby a perfect start when you don't want a baby? I'm confused

DD was premature and I recall feeling desperate for another baby to almost redo it ‘properly’. Then I realised that another non premature baby wouldn’t make DD any less premature so it was an utterly pointless feeling. It was a very powerful feeling though so I do get it.

I agree with what the pps are saying, no one does it "right".

But I really get where you are coming from. I had severe PND with all 3 of my dc and to be honest my mental health was poor throughout their childhoods. I wasn't the best mum to them. They've had their own struggles because of my MH. Now they're about to all be adults (ddd2 is 18 in less than 2 weeks) and while I wouldn't want another baby (I'm 50!) if I could go back and do it all again with good MH then I would.

I think it’s quite common for women to want “another go” when they had a difficult pregnancy, birth or baby experience.

We get sold this idea that it’s a magical special time and if we didn’t have that we feel cheated and sad.

So the way you feel is normal and understandable, but I think you know already OP that it’s not a good reason to have a baby.

So sorry for how you were treated by your partners.

It sounds like you are struggling with perfectionism. Life is messy and no one has perfect circumstances. We all muddle along making mistakes and that's OK. Bad things happen. I've gone through grief, disability and traumatic events. You have the opportunity to bring good from all the bad, I think you would be better off thinking more positively about what you've learned from your past and how you can move forwards in a more positive way, than trying to redo the past "perfectly".

I totally get this and still have it. I had EMCS and ELCS with DD1 & 2, and still think about having a third to have a “natural birth” which I know is madness. I also couldn’t breastfeed for as long as I wanted to, and both of mine are absolutely shocking sleepers, DD1 is only just sleeping through the night at 8 and DD2 who is 6 has only just learned how to fall asleep alone but still comes into our bed every night.

I also think I was a good mum to babies but am struggling with how to be a good parent now they are older. However, I really don’t want to go back to the baby years now things are on the whole easier.

But PP are right, I blame social media chiefly, but it’s all really to do with my own low self esteem and perfectionism. All we can do is our best at the time and keep trying our best with our existing DC.

You deserved for none of that to happen to you. You deserved to feel safe when you had your babies. I wonder if you ever have felt safe. Maybe at some time, as you have clearly done so well - more than enough.

Having had a good therapist, I can't recommend it enough. Perhaps to reframe how you see your life and your achievements,.and to look forward again.

DS1 was unplanned, we were shocked, we back and forthed over keeping him or not - but the outside world would have no idea about that, all they'd have seen was our excitement and elation.
Family descended the day after he was born and stayed ages even though I'd just got home after a 2 day labour and even still had a catheter attached to my leg.

DS2 was born in the height of lockdown, we had no support, noone to lean on, not even HV visits.

I can guarantee if you ask anyone there would be a list of things they'd change.

There's no such thing as a perfect family. The ones you see out and about might have all sorts of hidden problems. If you had another baby now, it might also be a high needs baby or have SEN - a lovely baby no doubt but there's no guarantee of everything being perfect.

Even when you have a supportive partner, nice home, enough money etc it doesn't mean you won't feel like crap!

Where does this idea of a perfect family come from? Is it fed by images in ads and social media? Because those are lies made to sell stuff! Just love your unique special family, warts and all.

@2020in2020

I totally get this and still have it. I had EMCS and ELCS with DD1 & 2, and still think about having a third to have a “natural birth” which I know is madness. I also couldn’t breastfeed for as long as I wanted to, and both of mine are absolutely shocking sleepers, DD1 is only just sleeping through the night at 8 and DD2 who is 6 has only just learned how to fall asleep alone but still comes into our bed every night.

I also think I was a good mum to babies but am struggling with how to be a good parent now they are older. However, I really don’t want to go back to the baby years now things are on the whole easier.

But PP are right, I blame social media chiefly, but it’s all really to do with my own low self esteem and perfectionism. All we can do is our best at the time and keep trying our best with our existing DC.

@2020in2020 if it's any consolation, I had EMCS then VBAC and although I didn't regret it, I felt like I'd been run over by a truck. Like when they handed me the baby I felt like it was a ridiculous thing to do because I had just had such bad pain, like giving someone a present when they're stuck under an HGV.

So just imagine you've been run over by a truck!

This isn’t about wanting another baby. This is about regret over what you missed out with the 2 you already have and knowing that you won’t be having any more.

I'm definitely not going to actually have another. It's a daydream. Sorry if that wasn't very clear. I feel I want to do it 'right' but I know it's not practical for all sorts of reasons.

I just need to change the way I think about it.

I'm so lucky to have the children I have I'm so proud of them.

It's just that sinking feeling whenever I hear that someone is pregnant and they're all settled, everything planned.

It's so ridiculous even typing it because we've got a lovely life.

These posts are helping, thank you.

There is no right way. You did the best you could every time. You are older and wiser now, therefore more assertive. You can now get rid of the over staying visitor and speak your mind when somethings wrong. You don't need another baby to demonstrate it. I had PND with baby no 1, that was he'll. I genuinely thought I did everything wrong, when in fact I was great. Baby no 2 no PND I was a little more laid back, but still a good mum. You are a great mum, enjoy you time with your children.

Sorry you’re feeling like this OP
The bits your kids remember are way more important than the bits they don’t remember. It sounds like you’ve nailed the important stuff. For what it’s worth - I had a very much planned and longed for baby after we were married and had bought a house, DH was so excited and treated me like a queen the entire time, couldn’t have been a better husband and I couldn’t have been any happier. Then baby got stuck on the way here and I had to have an emergency section, she ended up in the NICU and I ended up with postnatal depression. I really worry about those first precious months when I didn’t bond with her at all and if it has had any long term effects on her. There’s always something. Nothing’s ever perfect, even when everything is ‘perfect’.

I am sorry you had such a tough time of it .Your experience first time round sounds absolutely horrific ! The thing is many parents dont "get it right" all the time either.Its just we are inundated with celebrity Mums,Instagrams and so on . Stacy Solomon has recently had a baby girl .She and babe look the picture of happiness ,but no one sees whats going down at 4am in the morning , when baby wont settle! She has a beautiful Nursery with Rose wallpaper ,but most ordinary Mums settle for a coat of paint and a nursery frieze ! However many DC you have you will always have regrets . Parenting is hard work and we are all in a constant state of imperfection! Enjoy your LO now ,A neighbour should know 20 mins half an hour is the absolute max to stay with a new mum and baby .

It is sad that you have these thoughts, but I guess that a lot of other people have the same type of thoughts and feeling too, as in things that should have been lovely at some past times,but didn't materialise quite well..

You have to not dwell on these things, as your life sounds pretty good right now, so have to think about the here and now , and not look at other families, and their situations.

This resonates with me as i had an April 2020 pandemic baby and missed out on so much that id been looking forward to in that first year-i feel really robbed of the experience of having a newborn. Add in some birth trauma and PND and the seduction of having another child is sometimes overwhelming.
I think its a sign that i (and maybe you OP) still have some healing ahead.

As others have said, there isn't a right way. You had the hand you were dealt and you by all account have coped with it beautifully - you now have 2 DC you love and are proud of.

Second, what other people show you of their 'perfect' lives isn't necessarily the real picture. We're all swans, gliding along serenely on the surface, paddling like mad underneath.

I'm glad you are working on reframing your thinking because from what you've said, you've coped with a lot of difficult situations and raised a couple of wonderful children nevertheless. You deserve a pat on the back or maybe some .

I’m agreeing with the other comments that nobody is doing it the right way. I’d have liked to have DCs in my 20s but had no money and DH wouldn’t pull his finger out and propose. He was waiting for a more financially stable time. It took a family tragedy to realise that there are no right times or perfect situations and to just get on and do the things you want to do.

I sympathise with you over the abuse you suffered which sounds horrendous Maybe it is the trauma of that making you feel this way rather then the actual baby situation. Maybe some counselling would help.

Doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong or at the wrong time just sounds like the men in your life have been dicks.

I completely understand OP.
My two are 16 & 20 and I so wish I could have another crack at it for various reasons.
Absolutely not possible as I'm 50 but I do kick myself frequently asking myself if I could do it better next time round.
I'm saving all of that for my future grandchildren (not hopefully for a few years) but I'm going to be the best GMa on the planet!
Mind you maybe it'll just be me fucking up another generation 😂

@Donttakethecake

I'm definitely not going to actually have another. It's a daydream. Sorry if that wasn't very clear. I feel I want to do it 'right' but I know it's not practical for all sorts of reasons.

I just need to change the way I think about it.

I'm so lucky to have the children I have I'm so proud of them.

It's just that sinking feeling whenever I hear that someone is pregnant and they're all settled, everything planned.

It's so ridiculous even typing it because we've got a lovely life.

These posts are helping, thank you.

And some will have a disabled child or medical issues or get thrown under a bus or get cancer or .....

You dont know what will happen to them or you tomorrow or what their lives are behind d closed doors

Enjoy what you have now
Both dc are older now, happy, healthy, wonderful little people, we are all settled.

Skne CBT sessionz if is causing anxiety

Understand.

we get no training, often no support as mothers and I had shit experiences with my ex DH too. Right up until recently actually as it took me years to get even a smidgeon of the settlment I should have got years ago.

And I sometimes feel sad about this too, as feel as if DD didn't get to see the best 'me' if you like...

But, it is what it is, and I don't envy the mothers having kids now in a pandemic, must be so difficult with things in hospitals etc.

But, guess women throughout time have had various things to struggle with.

Some days I count the positives like this

well, I'm still here
The chores are done
I've done the finances and just about making ends meet...
etc.

There are moments I enjoy and try to have more of them. But DD is sixteen so lots of things about that that I don't.