To want another baby so that I can do it right?

[Donttakethecake]

Let me try to explain. I don't actually want another baby. I'm late 30s, having a baby wouldn't be practical for so many reasons.

I need to try and reframe my thinking.

Whenever I hear of someone getting pregnant or having a baby in the perfect circumstances I get a pang of jealousy.

Both of my dc were born through less than great circumstances. Ds1s father became violent and treated me like absolute crap resulting in me having to flee a few days before giving birth. His father has never bothered with him. I've been a good mum to him, but still feel sad about how he was brought into the world. It was a lonely time.

Then with ds2 my now dh had a wobble early on in the pregnancy and again, treated me like crap, decided he didn't want a baby after all, then insisted on telling his parents before the scan against my wishes. Although he did come round and now absolutely dotes on ds I can't forget those early weeks and months. After ds was born I allowed way too many visitors some who were rude and far outstayed their welcome (think a neighbour sitting there for 4 hours).

I wish I'd been more assertive and put myself first because it ruined what should have been a happy time.

Both dc are older now, happy, healthy, wonderful little people, we are all settled. It's just that jealous, sad feeling I get whenever I see families doing everything the right way.

Sorry to those of who who have suffered with PND and had difficult births. Given birth prematurely or had babies with health problems.

Completely get the sadness of the lockdown babies too, and missing out on the usual new mum activities.

This has made me think a lot. We all go through shit times.

It was awful what happened when I was pregnant with ds1. I was young and very determined, so I coped. When I think back it's as though it all happened to someone else.

I suppose I'd have like to have experienced excitement at becoming pregnant without all the worry and heartache. And been more assertive instead of trying to please others.

But then as people have rightly pointed out, no one really sees that side of people lives or what goes on behind closed doors.

Well your husband could have a wobble again & you not get the ideal start that you want.

As for parenting-mine are early 20s & I still feel that I'm winging it!

@Donttakethecake

Sorry to those of who who have suffered with PND and had difficult births. Given birth prematurely or had babies with health problems.

Completely get the sadness of the lockdown babies too, and missing out on the usual new mum activities.

This has made me think a lot. We all go through shit times.

It was awful what happened when I was pregnant with ds1. I was young and very determined, so I coped. When I think back it's as though it all happened to someone else.

I suppose I'd have like to have experienced excitement at becoming pregnant without all the worry and heartache. And been more assertive instead of trying to please others.

But then as people have rightly pointed out, no one really sees that side of people lives or what goes on behind closed doors.

I really appreciate this thread today so thanks for that.

I'm sitting here feeling as if I haven't done very much today. Writing in my notebook - things still to do.

Got a taxi somewhere yesterday. Asked the driver how he was and he said 'steady...' in a kind of Somerset kind of way...

And I answered 'I'll go with that..'

and that is kind of how I feel now about being a mum, meaning I'm glad when there are no big dramas (although guess with DD it wont' be long until another one crops up...)

You learn a lot about yourself being a mum

And yes, it is true what a pp said about learning to be more assertive.

The mountains you climb particualry as a single parent...sometimes you do it and don't even have time to stop and think but when you do, there is the satisfaction of knowing that whatever you did you did it on your own terms and the result is right in front of you. That young person skipping off to college...

@diddl

Well your husband could have a wobble again & you not get the ideal start that you want.

As for parenting-mine are early 20s & I still feel that I'm winging it!

Oh gosh really? Well that's kind of comforting in a way. I spend most days thinking 'omg I haven't a clue what I'm doing here...' and that is kind of a major stress factor for me...

So to hear someone else say that thing about winging it is actually really helpful! Thanks

"So to hear someone else say that thing about winging it is actually really helpful! Thanks"

Looking back I often feel that I've just muddled through.

Things happen, you make a decision based on circumstances & might make a different decision another time.

I think there's a lot of stuff that there are no hard & fast rules about.

I know that feeling OP. In fact I go through those emotions daily . I had my DC on my own out of wedlock which is a no no in my culture and I am a single parent too with no dad in the scene. Watching my sister do it right made me very sad although I am very happy for her .

I often wish I could go back and do things the right way