WWYD? - 13yo DD wants to read misery fiction

[Honesttodog]

my 13-year-old DD spotted someone reading “the bad room” on the train yesterday and asked if she could read it. She has asked me about this kind of misery fiction when we’ve been in the supermarket before and she likes looking at magazines like reveal and closer in the shop as well, with all the “I nearly died” stories. I read the same kind of thing when I was her age too but it isn’t very healthy!!

I’m at that tricky point where it’s hard to conceal most things from her and I feel like it’s okay if she sees the real world. But those books are awful!

WWYD?

I would let her read them on the condition she comes and speaks to you if anything in them upsets her or worries her etc. At least then there's a possibility of open communication about them versus her just getting them out of the library/reading them online and you having no idea what she's reading as well as her having to keep any worried to herself because she's scared to tell you she went against you and read them.

I'd restrict her access to these things because 13 is way too young and she won't have the ability to process what she's reading. This can lead to anxiety and even depressive problems. It's okay to gradually learn that the world can be a harsh and nasty place inhabited by sometimes cruel people, but not at such a young age.

Difficult one. My similar aged dd is a history geek - her topic of choice... the tudor queens... the problem is that she is progressing from the kids books to the adult ones and some of that stuff is dark...

I'd let her read it but warn her that that type of book can be upsetting and as Robbeckett says above, she should come and talk to you if she needs anything explaining or has questions.

Chances are she'll get bored after reading a couple.

When I was 13 no one was censoring my reading at all, nor should they have been. If you’re old enough for the adult library, you’re old enough to read whatever in my opinion.

I think if it’s the misery porn books that deal with child sexual abuse (which “the bad room” sounds like it might be) I wouldn’t allow it, actually. Fair enough if she stumbles on stuff in the course of normal reading and has questions about it, but I think she’s too young to have those sorts of images in her head.

I was an advanced reader and read all sorts from an early age. Plenty of it was probably “inappropriate” but the only one that really got to me was written by a forensic psychologist about serial killers he worked with and it had some very graphic descriptions of sexual violence. I don’t think you should be reading about sexual violence in detail before you really even understand all the ins and outs of healthy consensual sex.

It doesn't look like a book I'd want to read myself, but I don't think I stop a 13yo from reading it, no.

I think I read John Irving when I was 11 or 12! Probably some Stephen King around then too.

And look how well I turned out

I don't feel the same about TV and movies tbh. I'm pretty strict about that.

I think you should generally let her read what she wants, I don't know that particular book and there might be times where you want to steer her away from certain ones, but banning the entire genre isn't a good idea.

At 13 she is at an age where she's starting to become aware of all the bad things in the world, saying she can only read fiction which doesn't acknowledge those things will just stifle and frustrate her. Far better she uses dark themed books as a way to help her navigate those ideas in a controlled way (she can always stop reading a book if it makes her uncomfortable, but the 24 hour news cycle won't drop an upsetting story) and feel that she can come to you to talk about her feelings and questions and concerns which come from these books.

The reality is at thirteen you banning these books won't necessarily stop her from getting them if she's really interested, it will just mean she hides her reading from you.

You admitted you read similar books at that age, I think it is quite common for young teens to want to read/watch about stuff with those sorts of themes as it is a way for them to process them in a controlled way, and I disagree with you that it is particularly unhealthy -- as long as she is reading other things and knows to stop if a book makes her uncomfortable and isn't obsessing over the subject matter then I think you should let her read.

I'd be concerned if the books contained sexual abuse, which I don't think that one does (I may be wrong) and is more about a generally horrendous childhood. I think at 13 its okay to read about that.

Has she read any Torey Hayden? They are similar to "misery lit" but written by a teacher who works in Child Protection so are better written (imo) than the first person ones. Shane Dunphy is another similar writer (UK).

It's not fiction, I don't think, the bad room? At least it says it's a true story in the title... And it sounds as though the magazine stories she's interested in are also 'true" (probably heavily sensationalised by the article writer) stories?

It's probably worth thinking through whether it makes a difference that the material is based on real life events, or not. Would fiction be ok, but RL not because less disturbing to know it didn't actually happen. Or is fiction worse because it can be more graphic?

My Godawful Life https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004GKLXTC/ref=cmswwrcppapigltt_5N4NCZBT5YYHWMKCPF84

Why not buy her this one for the lols?

I don't know 'The bad room' but at 13 I loved Angela's Ashes, and I think not much later A Boy Called It.

Absolutely not and I’d be very concerned that she wanted to. Keep a close eye on her and encourage her to develop empathy in a healthier way. There are some ‘great literature’ books a little like misery porn- A tree grows in Brooklyn, Angela’s Ashes but she definitely shouldn’t be reading the Bad Room.

If a 13 year old really wants to read something they can find a way to read it without you knowing. Far better that you know what they’re reading and they know they can come to you if it upsets them.

@TrampolineForMrKite

When I was 13 no one was censoring my reading at all, nor should they have been. If you’re old enough for the adult library, you’re old enough to read whatever in my opinion.

I do wonder about the capacity for self reflection of people who say it never did me any harm. Unless you’re a Cambridge blue multi millionaire with gorgeous children and an adoring husband who you manage to life work balance alongside your magic circle partnership marathon running and groundbreaking charity you run…

How do you know?

Hmm, i was working my way through my parents books from about 1, luckily they did not have sensationalist tastes but there are a couple of things i read that i wish i hadn't as haunted me rather. One was Primo Levi's memoir about Auschwitz and the other was an old medical textbook of my Grandmother's with gruesome photos.
The trouble is you can't predict what will haunt you. I could cope with sex scenes but cruelty and torture was too much.

Misery fiction sounds grim, but don’t forbid them, as it will make them all the more alluring.
Those kind of stories are depressing, but hopefully your DD will find better things to read if this trashy stuff isn’t verboten.

@Bellfor

I don't know 'The bad room' but at 13 I loved Angela's Ashes, and I think not much later A Boy Called It.

I remember reading a child called it when I was 11, found it in the room I was staying in. I was definitely upset reading but knowing he lived through it snd was ok enough to be an author as an adult was actually quite reassuring. I guess that’s the plus of one of the autobiographical ones, you always know they survived it.

I started reading them at about her age. My mum didn't know to begin with - I asked my dad to buy me them as he had no clue!

I found a book about Auschwitz on my parents' shelves and read it. It had photos. Graphic ones. Wished I hadn't.

Apart from that, have you read teen literature lately? Full of torture, living in fear and people dying in horrible ways! Dystopia rules.

@TrampolineForMrKite

When I was 13 no one was censoring my reading at all, nor should they have been. If you’re old enough for the adult library, you’re old enough to read whatever in my opinion.

I agree. I was reading Stephen King at that age

Stephen King is not comparable to a true story of child abuse told by the woman who suffered through it. Especially not to a girl the same age as the one in the book.

There is no way she should be reading about something like that. Completely different to learning about it in a supportive educational or family setting. It's just not necessary for her to have private access to that level of detail

Realistically, how could you stop a 13 year old choosing what to read? My parents had no idea what I read at that age. The other thing is that books like this get shared at school - and you would never know. It is probably better not to encourage 'secret' reading habits and to leave the lines open for a discussion on anything that they want to discuss.

I was reading stuff like that at that age and watching true crime documentaries. It’s an interest that’s stayed with me ever since and now at 41 I am completely obsessed with anything true life / true crime and have an almost encyclopaedic knowledge of serial killers (I have autism so my interest is stronger than most…!) Don’t stop her, just say to her that if there’s anything she’s reading about that’s upsetting her remember she can just close the book and come and talk to you.

The Bad Room is okay, I mean it’s upsetting but it’s not one of the most graphic and upsetting ones there is.

@Polmuggle

Stephen King is not comparable to a true story of child abuse told by the woman who suffered through it. Especially not to a girl the same age as the one in the book.

There is no way she should be reading about something like that. Completely different to learning about it in a supportive educational or family setting. It's just not necessary for her to have private access to that level of detail

Are you serious? 13 is an age you need to talk to your kids about this kind of thing. 13 year old get up to much worse than reading books they 'shouldn't ', you can't control what they read at that age. Let them grow and come to you with questions. Stop babying teenagers, they have to learn things and find their way. With adult support obvs