Does everyone follow a ‘parenting ideology’?!

[Scrunchies]

Inspired by another thread…. I had not heard of ‘permissive, authoritarian, authoritative’ etc parenting before. I have a 15 month old so up until now haven’t really needed a parenting ‘style’ other than feed, cuddle, clean bum etc. However she is starting to tantrum etc and my husband and I are beginning to disagree on how to manage it. Does anyone just go off instinct or does everyone read, study and follow set theories? Seems very generational and not like something our parents would have bothered with. Do we think this way is ‘better’ or just the new fashion?

No judgement by the way - I have no idea! Just interested in both sides

Nope. And I would never recommend putting an “ideology” over your instincts.

These are different approaches, some based on scientific research, some based on someone’s personal ideology, others just money making schemes.

When I had a small child I took some advice from some of these approaches in relation to specific challenges with varying degrees of success. But rejected other parts of this wholesale.

As a general rule any blanket approach to anything which dictates minutiae of your life and over-rides common sense is not terribly sensible or practical in my view.

Take Gina Ford: there’s some things she espouses which clearly work for some people but it’s very hardline and wholly impractical for most people.

Take what’s useful, disregard what’s one and work with what fits your life. And don’t ignore your instincts.

Nope.
Though I've always been quite routine based and fairly authoritative as I had the opposite as a child and feel children are more secure this way. But that was still kind of instinctive really, I just didn't want to be like my parents!

I started following a ‘parenting ideology’ because I needed validation. Everyone I met in parenting classes and play groups all started doing naughty step, marble jars and other such ideas to try to discipline their kids. I used to just tell mine off and then move on. I felt a bit inadequate and lazy but then I came across a website called ahaparenting which validated me and I loved the ideas in there and used some of them.
For more, it was just doing what came naturally to me anyway. I would have really struggled to follow something that went against my instincts.

No, I can honestly say that, having been someone who read every available pregnancy and birth book in three languages before I had DS, the second he was born I binned them all, and have never picked up a book about parenting since. I realised I was the expert, if an expert existed, on this person who had never been alive before. He's nine now, and I've been going with my instincts ever since -- I suppose if I have a thing I don't compromise on, it's talking to him, and letting him know I love him even at the very moment his behaviour is making me want to throttle him.

No just did whatever was needed to get through the day.
As the mother of adult children I’m not really sure difference parenting styles make much difference. They will be who they will be irrespective of what you do.

I follow my instincts. That's lead me to "attachment parenting" if you were going to put a label on it but I don't. I just love them and play with them and guide them and hope that's good enough.

Nope, just muddle through. The kids haven’t read the book and what works for one doesn’t for the next, there’s always a bit of trial and error.

I wouldn't recommend ever following one ideology. I prefer researching lots of different parenting techniques and reading different books and watching different programs in an attempt to have a large toolbox of ideas available. Then I do my absolute best to judge each situation as it comes. I also discuss with my DH as tricky situations come up to decide how we'd approach it in future. Luckily we mostly agree.

DH did go through a phase of saying he was going to put DS in his cot when he was tantruming. That's the only time I can think of where we massively disagreed. I didn't see how it would do anything except escalate the situation and attach a negative connotation to DSs bed. 🤷

But yeah, generally learn as much as possible and reflect as a couple after big events to decide on how to deal with it in future.

Mostly I parent by what I feel is right. But I know I do get things wrong sometimes. My children are adopted and I know some behaviours stem from trauma. If I feel like I have got something wrong or we are struggling with something, I try to parent more therapeutically - I have an A - Z book that really helps me look at things another way.

The 4 main parenting styles are not ideologies as such. They are believed by experts to be the 4 main styles that most parents tend to naturally fall into, not specifically chosen. It's not the same as choosing a parenting method, such as attachment parenting etc (although this can also be just an naturally evolved style in some cases and not necessarily studied and chosen.

No! I just go off what I think is right in the situation. I think some people are far too into labels and forming cliques.
Most people are just trying to be the best parent they can

I've part read a couple of books like how to talk so little kids listen etc but to be honest I struggle to get the time to properly focus on them so alot of it is instinct with my almost 2 year old. A friend of mine mentioned in the baby days 'oh you do baby led parenting' and I was like... Do I?

I think a mix of styles depending on the situation works instead of fully going with only 1 way of doing things? So we mix fed, then dropped bottles because I found bf easier than sorting the bottles. No real routine until he dropped to 1 nap! I didn't do 'full' blw but ds was feeding himself with a spoon from the go at 6 months. He was fed to sleep until about 22 months but in his own room from 8 months because Co sleeping didn't suite us.

You'll find your own way op 🙂

Actually, yes, I would say everyone does have an ideology, whether they realise it or not.

she is starting to tantrum etc and my husband and I are beginning to disagree on how to manage it - and there you have it. If you didn't have different parenting ideologies, you wouldn't disagree. Instead of coming from a book or a blog, your parenting ideology is just the sum total of your values, instincts, temperament, emotions, attitude towards children, your own childhood experiences, your knowledge of child development etc.

And like @TheScenicWay, if we do choose to align ourselves with some established school of thought from books or blogs or classes, we tend to choose one that already reflects our attitude and values. And really, unless you treat it like some kind of strict religion, there's nothing wrong with reading books and arming yourself with a toolkit of techniques to use at difficult moments.

Another part of it is that sometimes we may feel that our instincts are actually not brilliant and there might be things we know we need to do differently. For example, let's say you struggle with your own temper. Your instinct may be to yell at your toddler when they have a tantrum or spill a drink. In that situation it can be quite helpful to have read up on more gentle parenting techniques to help yourself deal with these situations in a calmer way.

Gosh. I remember feeling like this.
Kids are, on a whole, little shits. Mine still is and I love her.
I just did what came as instinct. Books are great for some but you know your child better than any expert. Do what you feel is right x

I think once you start to research parenting, whether it's by reading books or looking at things online, podcasts etc you will soon become aware that there is a risk that what you do as a parent can have lifelong consequences for your dc and your family. Unless you had a wonderful upbringing and don't feel you have any unwanted mental problems then you won't feel confident to just copy your parents in every way, and I think most people realise that doing the opposite to their parents may not work out either so what do they actually do? And of course the world is changing very fast, what is the best way to deal with technology for example, that's something where your instincts and childhood experience may not help much. It's so much easier to get information now than in our parents or grandparents time, which is both a blessing and a curse. You can't just look at the past through rose tinted glasses as a simpler time we know many children were badly treated or abused back then. At the same time I do think there is so much pressure on parents to be perfect and so much, often contradictory advice, that it may have an adverse effect making them lose confidence in themselves and worry too much. Or some people may just give up on taking any advice which would also be a shame as some advice can be helpful.
Overall I would say setting a balanced course in the sea of parenting advice is not easy, especially if you have any kind of mental problems to start with such as a bit of low confidence or anxiety or anything, so you do have to be careful and not let it get to you too much, but not ignore what is helpful.

I am naturally following attachment parenting. But I only know what that is because I studied it at Uni. I haven’t read any books as a parent, but have read a ton of literature whilst studying.

Nope but mostly because my kids have never read any book on how to be kids, they just are themselves.

I will try techniques from different sources to see what works for them. Sometimes it's the same and sometimes it's different.

What I dislike about a lot of this is the judgement that comes from some parents around this. For example if you do any sleep support you psychologically damaging your child for life or if you co sleep you're turning them into a dependent clingy child 🤷🏼‍♀️

The only people I’ve known with an ‘ideology’ that lasted for any length of time, have been those who didn’t yet have kids, but obviously had all the answers.
Some of whom liked offering their expert advice to those of us who were going so sadly wrong. 😂

I'm not really sure when 'parent' became a verb rather than a noun. You ARE a parent. 'doing parenting' seems to imply a method or approach that to me feels like over thinking it. I found mn far more useful because the breadth of experience and approaches allows for a more pick and choose approach. Bit like weaning. I fed my babies. Bit of this, bit of that. I didn't 'do' BLW or spoonfeeding on some kind of principle of what's best.

I wouldn't commit to an ideology, but I would read around child development and make sure you understand what's happening and why and how the various approaches are likely to impact your child.

Your instincts will be based on how you were parented....whether that's a good or bad thing will depend on how you feel about your childhood.

I worked in a Montessori setting before I had kids and the behaviour was amazing. Calm kids. So I used a lot of these strategies with my own kids. I know my mum thought I was mad but she only saw a snapshot.
When something works and is based on research, it is worth using I think.

@Fairyliz

No just did whatever was needed to get through the day. As the mother of adult children I’m not really sure difference parenting styles make much difference. They will be who they will be irrespective of what you do.

This. Also it’s easy to blame parents if a child has challenging behaviour, but it’s much easier to be an easy going tolerant parent when one has easy going cooperative children.

Some really fascinating responses so far. I completely agree with @Andante57 - mine was a really difficult newborn and I couldn’t just ‘go with the flow’ like others seemed to - it’s such a chicken and egg situation where the child could be easy because of the parents, or an easy child allows a different type of parenting.

I suppose now some things have been clarified my query is, do most parents read up on child development? I find this quite surprising. I’m starting to read bits here and there but honestly don’t know much about child development, mainly have been learning as I’m going. For those who have done a lot of reading around, what books/ sources would you recommend?

No. I think subscribing to one “way” is rigid and I think your parenting should be tailored (if you can) to what suits your own child’s needs and personality.

I basically do what seems right, instinctive, fair and reasonable. I try and be always loving, warm, responsive and a bit fun where appropriate, but also firm, have routine, instill good values, right from wrong etc, and do gentle discipline (never smacking or getting angry, but very firm if needed).

Hell no, I just bumble along!

I tend towards the gentler end of the parenting spectrum of things, I guess, but not as an ideology. I try to be fair is the main thing!