Does everyone follow a ‘parenting ideology’?!

[Scrunchies]

Inspired by another thread…. I had not heard of ‘permissive, authoritarian, authoritative’ etc parenting before. I have a 15 month old so up until now haven’t really needed a parenting ‘style’ other than feed, cuddle, clean bum etc. However she is starting to tantrum etc and my husband and I are beginning to disagree on how to manage it. Does anyone just go off instinct or does everyone read, study and follow set theories? Seems very generational and not like something our parents would have bothered with. Do we think this way is ‘better’ or just the new fashion?

No judgement by the way - I have no idea! Just interested in both sides

@HugeAckmansWife

I'm not really sure when 'parent' became a verb rather than a noun. You ARE a parent. 'doing parenting' seems to imply a method or approach that to me feels like over thinking it. I found mn far more useful because the breadth of experience and approaches allows for a more pick and choose approach. Bit like weaning. I fed my babies. Bit of this, bit of that. I didn't 'do' BLW or spoonfeeding on some kind of principle of what's best.

Exactly this. I am a parent, I don't "parent".

I think there are two question in the OP. Of course not everyone consciously follows a parenting style, reads books or articles on child raising or seeks any kind of external input. But research has identifies four different parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved/neglectful. And everyone's parenting, no matter how researched will fit into these categories. But how you fit yourself into these boxes isn't prescribed. Attachment parenting, pushy parenting, gentle parenting, Montessori, TCS, RIE etc. will sit within those four categories, but are separate

www.verywellfamily.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

When DC1 was young I did some reading. But I don't think most people take exclusively from one style because you have to adapt for your own personality, lifestyle and child. And then once the child gets a big bigger and/or you have more children, who has time to do that reading!?

I do generally read around the subject - frankly, just coming on MN gives me lots of tips and insights and makes me think about things differently. Or newspaper/magazine articles etc.

What I struggled with the most is that the child's personality is important. So you adjust and learn with DC1 and then DC2 comes along and it's all different. eg, in our case, there are times when DC1 really does need firm and strong discipline of the "DC, Get moving right now!" persuasion because it jolts him into action. this is particularly true when trying to establish new routines etc as he is not good at that. But for DC2, even the slightest raised voice is almost entirely counter productive except in the most extreme of circumstances, especially when she was younger. So we've had to take slightly different approaches. Which also brings potential resentment etc.

Tried a few over the years! I wanted to be a very different parent than the person I am. Turned out I couldn't change myself to fit into a parenting mould, I had to mould my parenting around the person I am. And then I had to adapt that again to fit each child, and each set of life circumstances. So that's my ideology now, to be intuitive and flexible. That's about it

@toastofthetown that's helpful and interesting thanks. I'd put myself somewhere between authoritative and permissive (my sister would say permissive, my DC would say authoritative! ) DH definitely leans more towards permissive.

@NuffSaidSam

I wouldn't commit to an ideology, but I would read around child development and make sure you understand what's happening and why and how the various approaches are likely to impact your child.

Your instincts will be based on how you were parented....whether that's a good or bad thing will depend on how you feel about your childhood.

This is what I do/did.

I used to go in all guns blazing when my dd was having a tantrum which made us all feel like shit. Now I've read up a bit about why she might be reacting like she does, I've started to be a lot calmer and will walk away until she's calmed down herself. It's made things a lot easier on us both. Things that I see as small are big to her and she's still learning to understand how the world works and that some things do seem unfair. I won't give in but I also won't punish her for feeling upset.

TikTok gave me a lot of different ideas although according to many on there, if you're not doing gentle parenting at all times you're doing it wrong which I don't agree with. I'm not going to be nice mummy all of the time but I will be kind and pick the battles that need picking. If nobody is going to get hurt or it won't end up costing me time or money I can't afford then generally it's fine.

Other than that I wing it. I've not read any books but my Google history is full of 'why is my child doing this...'. I'm not the best mum but I learn from my kids along the way.

I mean I have read books, just not how to raise my child kind of books

I've looked at it again and am realising that I'm not really permissive at all. Interesting how my first instinct was to think that I am a bit. Although having said that, I do struggle with the kids and food. Not junk food - that I have no problem saying no to - but more how to tell between when they're genuinely hungry and just using it as an excuse to avoid bed/bath etc.

And I jumped on DH as permissive because he does have this habit of spending lots of time in a sort of "friend" mode with the kids. But actually, he's almost more proactive than me on solution giving.

Mmm, interesting. Really does show how these things are complex.

I started with who I am and what my instincts and values were, and who my children are and what their instincts were and how they responded to the stuff I did. And then then I looked for advice and techniques that worked for us, and tended to find that advice that was appropriate tended to cluster in particular parenting styles.

When DC1 was a baby, I tried a gentle routine for a while, but that made us both stressed and miserable, while a lot of the stuff that fit into attachment parenting worked well for us. But it wasn't a philosophy that I followed wholesale.

Now that my children are at secondary school, I wing it a lot more, because they are able to articulate their troubles and emotions, and they are generally very well-behaved so I don't have to make or enforce rules very often as they just get on with life.

I just wing it. I've tried reading the books in the past but just get frustrated when they don't work. I just get on with it and do does do. We know our dc and what does or doesn't work so really I don't think we need the books. Generations past didn't have them!

Like most parents, muddling through, agreeing on some things, disagreeing on others.

We agree I suppose on a 'free-range' approach as in we think giving kids age-appropriate independence is more important than avoiding all possible risk.

We disagree in that sometimes DH thinks 'punishment' is needed for things that don't merit it and I think learning and making good is both better and more effective.

When they were babies my philosophy, as such, was to go with the flow, encourage them to be able to nap anywhere so we could be more flexible. Luckily they both took to that and for friends and family who really 'timetabled' their babies' naps etc it seemed really restrictive to me, but I also appreciated some babies can't just nap anywhere or may be really difficult to deal with without a routine, so even if it's less flexible, it may be the least tiring or awkward approach. Basically with babies, do what works for you, but don't assume you'll need X or Y approach before you get to really know them.