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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Complaining to the school about this child

71 replies

Burnt0utMum · 17/11/2021 06:11

DD (year 3) has been complaining about a boy in her class since September. He kicked a ball at her (purposefully) and was calling her names in class. I spoke to the teacher about this and DD seemed ok for the next couple of weeks. Then it started again with name calling and taking her pen off her. He sits in front of her so turns around to bother her. Yesterday he took her bookmark out her book so she would lose her page. She came home upset and saying she didn't want to go to school when he was there. I've messaged the teacher and will be having a call with her today to complain that she is having to put up with this at school. AIBU? Any ideas how I can handle this best?

OP posts:
LuckyAmy1986 · 17/11/2021 06:38

See what the teacher says first? Hopefully she will handle it in a way that you find agreeable. Only if she doesn't would I take it any further. Your DD shouldn't have to put up with any harassment at school. I don't care if they are just children, that's what it is. All I would say is don't let it get passed off as 'kids will be kids' type behaviour. They only get away with what adults let them get away with.

HelloDulling · 17/11/2021 06:40

Ask the teacher to rearrange the seating plan. If he’s sat away from her, he won’t be able to pick on her during lessons.

Autumncoming · 17/11/2021 06:49

You don't need to 'complain'. Just tell the teacher and talk to your daughter about how she needs to tell the teacher everytime something happens.
This kind of thing happens all the time and is very squishable.

Mayra1367 · 17/11/2021 06:50

Definitely inform the teacher sometimes things get missed in the classroom and the teacher will want to know .

RoyKentsHairyBack · 17/11/2021 06:53

My dd had similar all throughout yr 6. School did nothing except tell her it was nothing and she was being silly so she didn't tell us how much it was upsetting her and how bad it was.

Then in summer holidays she had a massive melt down and told me the truth. We had hoped that was the end of it but when she went to secondary he turned up again and was sat next to her in one lesson. It all started again and whilst she has tried to ignore it, he's taken that as an invitation to pile his mates on. The little shit.

I had put it on her form tutors radar and we agreed if it got worse I'd contact her again which I now have. It took dd a lot to let me raise it - when she tried her teacher told her to stop being a baby.

So raise it and keep pushing the school on it. I feel like I failed my daughter in Primary for not realising how bad it was for her self esteem and what a nasty little shit the other kid was (she wasn't the only one he did this to but she was the most sustained).

Whinge · 17/11/2021 06:53

@Autumncoming

You don't need to 'complain'. Just tell the teacher and talk to your daughter about how she needs to tell the teacher everytime something happens. This kind of thing happens all the time and is very squishable.
I agree with this. There's no need to complain. You just need to have a quick chat with the teacher and encourage your daughter to speak up and tell someone.
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/11/2021 06:59

Another saying don’t complain but just let the teacher know it’s started again. As much as we try to, we can’t have eyes on all 30 children and teach at the same time so we miss things (especially when children are trying to not be seen). We can only deal with what we know about so, if your daughter isn’t saying anything, the teacher can’t sort it.

AutumnOrange · 17/11/2021 06:59

My ds suffered this Low level bullying for a year. I spoke to the school repeatedly. Nothing changed. Finally I quoted their own bullying policy back at them, quoted their own S.T.O.P (Several Times On Purpose = bullying) campaign that they taught the children and told them not only were they failing my son but they were also failing the bully by not dealing with this behaviour. It finally stopped. Good luck!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/11/2021 07:00

@RoyKentsHairyBack

My dd had similar all throughout yr 6. School did nothing except tell her it was nothing and she was being silly so she didn't tell us how much it was upsetting her and how bad it was.

Then in summer holidays she had a massive melt down and told me the truth. We had hoped that was the end of it but when she went to secondary he turned up again and was sat next to her in one lesson. It all started again and whilst she has tried to ignore it, he's taken that as an invitation to pile his mates on. The little shit.

I had put it on her form tutors radar and we agreed if it got worse I'd contact her again which I now have. It took dd a lot to let me raise it - when she tried her teacher told her to stop being a baby.

So raise it and keep pushing the school on it. I feel like I failed my daughter in Primary for not realising how bad it was for her self esteem and what a nasty little shit the other kid was (she wasn't the only one he did this to but she was the most sustained).

That sounds awful for your DD. The school dealt with it horrendously.
Burnt0utMum · 17/11/2021 07:00

Like I said, I have already spoken to the teacher previously and obviously things haven't been dealt with well enough since then as it's carrying on. This is why I feel like I need to be more firm this time particularly as she is so upset and is now not wanting to go to school despite previously loving school. I will ask for her to be moved away from him today. I just want her to go to school and learn and enjoy her time there, not be subject to this.

OP posts:
honestlywhy · 17/11/2021 07:03

Ask for the boy to be moved as this is repeated bullying. Have you look up the schools bullying policy?

switswoo81 · 17/11/2021 07:13

Please encourage your daughter to tell the teacher every time. If she doesn't feel comfortable shouting out there can be a signal, a note on teachers desk or in my experience teacher checking in at the end of the day or at certain times in the day has anything happened is very effective and transfers the attention back onto the victim. It has stopped once when he was obviously spoken too so if you take the fun out if it for him it will stop again. If your daughter hasn't said anything the teacher may not realize it has started again. Not your daughters fault it can be hard to tell.
But he needs to know the teacher is onto him all the time.
Moving seats will probably stop the behavior he sounds more like an opportunistic torment than anything.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 17/11/2021 07:17

Put it in writing, after talking to the teacher today, follow up with an email saying just to confirm what was agreed this morning etc plus list out what has been happening. You need a paper trail. Your DD needs to report any further incidents to the staff and also to you so that you can see if this escalates at all.

Their bullying policy should be available to you on their website. Have a look at what they should be doing. That way you know if they are sticking with it or not.

I am sorry your DD is feeling this way about school, hopefully a classroom shuffle and a talk to this child by school will stop it in its tracks.

MsTSwift · 17/11/2021 07:30

Just make yourself a polite focussed firm pain in the ass. Keep going in.

I contacted the parents by letter when similar happened. Little shits mother went into school crying (boo hoo) and the head rang me up to tell me off as I should have let school deal with it. Well I had tried that and it didn’t work. My nuclear method worked well and it stopped but it upset some adults which was too bad. Not sure my approach to be recommended!

FortunesFave · 17/11/2021 07:34

I have to say that teaching girls they must speak up is vital. It should NOT be needed but it is sadly.

Or tell her to pinch him when nobody's looking. And then deny it and say he did it to himself.

Only joking.

AuditAngel · 17/11/2021 07:34

My DD had similar in year 3, she suddenly hated school, was biting her nails, but wouldn’t say what the matter was. One of her friends broke down in tears and told her mum that another child was bullying mine.

I spoke with the school and the child was moved away, but I am disappointed that it took another child to identify the problem, that the teacher didn’t see it, after 5 months! That said, the next child lasted 3 weeks sat with the child and the next one only 2.

I promised DD she would never have to sit with her again, I tell the new class teacher each year and when the seating plan puts them together I am on it immediately and remind the school how they allowed the child to bully mine for 5 months and they are not allowed to be together.

School have maintained the separation, but only because I make them.

Secondary school soon, the child has put our first choice school as their first choice, but we are higher up the admissions categories than they are, and to my knowledge no places have been given to children that low down the categories in at least the last 4 years, so unless the child has an EHCP the parent has kept quiet about, I am confident we will escape them. If we don’t escape them, I will advise the new school of the historic issues and ask the, to be placed in opposite halves of the school which would massively reduce any chance of shared classes,

Fredstheteds · 17/11/2021 07:37

Quiet word with teacher if nothing write- schools hate being accused of doing nothing with bullying

Burnt0utMum · 17/11/2021 07:43

She does tell the teacher and the teacher "speaks to" the child but I'm guessing this can't be much of a punishment as it's having no effect. I will have a look at the school's anti bullying policy before the call.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 17/11/2021 07:44

Have the conversation with the teacher today. Agree things like dd will be moved away from this child. Follow up the conversation in writing (email is fine) with agreed actions.

Give it a few days to improve.

Get the schools anti bullying policy and use that to follow up again if need be.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 17/11/2021 07:46

You are approaching all wrong

You are not complaining. Remove that word from your mind.

You are expressing concern and would like an urgent discussion re how this is going to be addressed immediately

MsTSwift · 17/11/2021 07:48

Audi at my girls secondary you can contact the secondary well before they start to ask they not in the same form

Oftenithinkaboutit · 17/11/2021 07:50

@MsTSwift

Audi at my girls secondary you can contact the secondary well before they start to ask they not in the same form
4 years in advance???
lottiegarbanzo · 17/11/2021 07:53

She needs to tell the teacher every time it happens. At least on that day, if she's not happy about speaking out in the middle of a lesson, or in front of the other child.

She needs to understand that this isn't about 'snitching' and it isn't all about her and what she wants or doesn't want to tell the teacher, either. She has a duty to report. Bad behaviour has to be reported, so that the teacher can help the other child learn to behave better. It's more about getting them appropriate support and guidance as 'getting someone in trouble'.

You should keep notes of what she tells you, a little diary.

Also, speak to the teacher regularly, keep them updated.

You need to see yourself as working with the teacher to solve the problem, rather than complaining.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/11/2021 08:02

Your language about 'complaint' and 'punishment' is very oppositional. You need to think about how you talk about this with your dd too. If you're selling her the line that she's always right and good and the other person is wrong and bad, you'd be doing her no favours.

Good people do bad things that upset other people - and need to learn how to recognise when they've got something wrong and how to pull back from that behaviour, then put things right. Usually their action will have been careless, thoughtless or a result of getting carried away, rather than malicious, or will have seemed trivial and unmemorable to them.

One day your dd will behave badly and upset someone. She needs to understand that it's the action, and how it affects the other person, that counts. Not who she is, who they are, or any notion that she is 'a good person'. Good people behave badly. Quite often.

No-one (hardly anyone) is fundamentally 'bad'.

MsTSwift · 17/11/2021 08:05

No obviously that was to Audit who said her Dd “going to secondary school soon” 🙄

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