Complaining to the school about this child

[Burnt0utMum]

DD (year 3) has been complaining about a boy in her class since September. He kicked a ball at her (purposefully) and was calling her names in class. I spoke to the teacher about this and DD seemed ok for the next couple of weeks. Then it started again with name calling and taking her pen off her. He sits in front of her so turns around to bother her. Yesterday he took her bookmark out her book so she would lose her page. She came home upset and saying she didn't want to go to school when he was there. I've messaged the teacher and will be having a call with her today to complain that she is having to put up with this at school. AIBU? Any ideas how I can handle this best?

@Burnt0utMum No, I am not.

The bully is for the teacher to deal with. I'm not the least bit interested in them or how they are dealt with. Neither should you be, it's not your child. Leave that to the professionals.

I am advising you to:

1. Focus on the behaviour not the person.

2. Avoid giving your dd the impression that doing bad things makes you a bad person. (One outcome if you do, is that she will learn to lie to you, to present the image you want to see and hide anything she imagines you would see as 'bad'. You need to keep the channels of communication open with her).

3. Take a few deep breaths, calm down, read people's communications more carefully and engage with people more constructively.

If you approach the school staff the way you have people on this thread, you're going to come across very badly, like a whirlwind of angst and angry emotion. That will not help your dd. You need to be the grown-up here, for her sake.

My point is that they are not the important one here. My DD is as she is the victim. There is no onus on her to understand why the bully is behaving as they do or to make allowances for it and give them the benefit of the doubt as they "might" actually be a good person.

No one has said that your daughter needs to make allowances for them. No one has said anyone should do that. We’re saying, before you go in for a lynching, consider that the bully is also a child.

What I am focusing on is that your dd is telling you about this stuff but (from your account) doesn't seem to be speaking up at the time, or telling the teacher.

She needs to get in the habit of telling her teacher whenever something bothers her in school. Preferably speaking up when the problem occurs. If not, speaking to the teacher the same day.

Yes, you should be keeping a diary of incidents and working with the teacher too. But ultimately teachers can only deal with problems they see and know about.

My daughter went through similar with a lad from her class. I told the teacher and though it stopped for a while he soon stated it again. This boy was a bit of a goody two shoes, an altar boy even, I think this might be why the teacher didn't take it very seriously. One night my daughter was really upset as the teacher had been quite dismissive of her reporting him again, so the next day at home time I gave him my biggest smile and a cheery hi Mathew and just as we were passing I said oh by the way M if you don't leave my daughter alone I will be calling over at your house to tell your Mum, OK? That was it he never bothered her again. Hope things are soon sorted for your daughter.

And you say your dd does tell the teacher every time, so I've misread that.

Anyway, how did your chat with the school go?

I have considered that the bully is a child. If it were an adult I would be confronting them directly.

DD knows she can come to me with anything, hence why she has come to me with this. My kids know that no matter how bad it is they can always come to me for help even when they're the one at fault.

I guess I have a more confrontational approach than some people and I do want to approach this in the right way for DD so will take all comments on board.

The teacher has moved the child away from her today so that should help stop the problem as he won't be able to reach her in class. She said that this was already planned but my concerns have sped it up. The lunchtime supervisors have also been made aware so they can keep an eye out on the playground. I really hope this puts an end to it now and she can enjoy school again. Picking her up soon so will see how she has got on today.

Good update OP. I don't think you're being confrontational at all to be honest. Too often the feelings and experiences of the victims of bullying are sidelined in favour of centring the perpetrator.

It may well be that a student who is bullying or being unpleasant has reasons for their behaviour and they may need extra support, but it should not come at the cost of other students being expected to tolerate an unpleasant school experience.

@lottiegarbanzo

Your language about 'complaint' and 'punishment' is very oppositional. You need to think about how you talk about this with your dd too. If you're selling her the line that she's always right and good and the other person is wrong and bad, you'd be doing her no favours.

Good people do bad things that upset other people - and need to learn how to recognise when they've got something wrong and how to pull back from that behaviour, then put things right. Usually their action will have been careless, thoughtless or a result of getting carried away, rather than malicious, or will have seemed trivial and unmemorable to them.

One day your dd will behave badly and upset someone. She needs to understand that it's the action, and how it affects the other person, that counts. Not who she is, who they are, or any notion that she is 'a good person'. Good people behave badly. Quite often.

No-one (hardly anyone) is fundamentally 'bad'.

Only on mumsnet could you turn the bully into the victim 🤦🏻‍♀️

Repeatedly bullying/harassing another child is a malicious thing to do. Bullies know exactly what they’re doing. Even at that age.

@Burnt0utMum
Sad as it seems,the only way to nip this sort of thing in the bud is for your daughter to stand up for herself.
It’s so hard, but she needs to take no more nonsense off this horrid child.
I had a DC who was bullied, and it only stopped when he stood up for himself.
Good luck.

Only on mumsnet could you turn the bully into the victim

Quote me where I've done that @Itsjustrenee

You won't be able to, because I haven't.

I've talked about the OP casting her dd as a 'good person'. I then go on to talk about the dangers of doing that.

I'd ask for seating to be rearranged. Also teach dd so say something very loudly whenever he does anything
'please stop boyname'
'That's mine boysname'
Or just no very very loudly

The message 'separate the person from the behaviour' is a pretty simple one, that I had thought was familiar to all parents.

'You have done a bad thing' or 'that is bad behaviour' rather than 'because you did this, you are bad'.

Setting someone up to view themselves as 'bad' or as 'good' is really destructive and short-sighted.

Focusing on the behaviour not the person, would have given this thread a very different title; about keeping OP's dd safe and happy at school, rather than 'complaining about this child'.

Ger her to practise/role play with you at home. With you being the boy and her responding with set statements in a nice loud voice.

I know the accepted advice is to NEVER tell a child to hit back...but...really? Would an adult walk away if someone attacked them?

I don't think many would.

Is it right to teach your child to turn the other cheek when though that's MORALLY correct, does it fly in the playground? Where the toughest and loudest usually rule?

I know it's not a popular opinion, but I've always taught mine that the first time something happens, they tell the other child to stop. The second time it happens, tell a teacher. If there's a third time, hit back.

I was bullied at secondary school. Children worry about being seen to 'snitch'. I worried about this. It only stopped when I hit her.

My children know that the retaliation route is not what teachers advise and would be frowned upon. But they know they'll never get in trouble with me or dh for standing up for themselves.

We dealt with similar recently, the teacher moved the child further away which has reduced but not eliminated the problem. We have been practising with (shy) DC how to respond and be clear about boundaries, eg speaking up to say stop/I don’t like that/that hurts/give me space/etc as it makes boundaries clear and draws attention to the situation. Also about removing themselves from the situation if possible but if cornered what is appropriate to ‘fight back’ (without it being he hit me so I hit him). I agree that saying never respond to being attacked isn’t right either, though it’s difficult ground.

Check the school’s anti-bullying policy, as it is useful to highlight where they are not following them if their response isn’t good and to quote it back to them.

I taught both my children the phrase

“Stop it! I do not like it Don’t touch me”

They have to deliver it assertively but without any aggression or upset and very loud, they need to make all the kids turn round and adults look at them to find out the problem. We found at that age they just wanted DC attention, but didn’t want to draw attention of the teacher.

I told the teacher the phrase he would use. Don’t touch me - as someone who works in a school always pricks ears because of safeguarding.