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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to be annoyed that my DS is not invited to friends scottish wedding.????

48 replies

kelmcmistletoe · 14/12/2007 12:02

Ok, i get the fact that it adds to numbers and mouths to feed etc but my DS will only be 8months so wont need a meal or a chair. It will be a whole weekend wedding so really dont want to leave him behind but friend has said absolutely no children

OP posts:
JingleBelgoHoHoHo · 14/12/2007 12:05

Yes, that's annoying. It's hard to find a babysitter for the whole weekend, and you may not want to leave him that long anyway.

MissPebbles · 14/12/2007 12:05

Why not hire or take someone with you up to scotland so that ds is "with" you and also not in the way, that way you can enjoy all the wedding, and see your son, your friend gets the child free wedding etc etc,

It is your friends wedding and her choice not to have children there so....

fortunecookie · 14/12/2007 12:08

I can see both points of view. If your friend invites one child, no matter how tiny, she's going to get a rough time from other mothers saying, "but my baby won't eat anything & can sit in my lap & he's very good, etc." So putting in an absolutely no children clause solves a lot of extra headache & explaining for her. And then there's the screaming baby/child factor, which can ruin a ceremony. (I've seen it happen - it's not pleasant to have some child screaming blue murder at the moment the bride & groom vow to love each other eternally, iyswim!)

On the other hand, I sympathise with you not wanting to leave your ds for a whole weekend.

QuintessentialShadowOfSnowball · 14/12/2007 12:16

I did that when I had to go for a wedding in Oslo. I took my best friend with me, she got a paid for weekend trip to Oslo, in exchange for babysitting my then 1 1/2 year old during both the ceremony and the reception.

Sadly, she got food poisoning on the way over, so I had no choice but to bring him with me. I did get some hard stares from people until they realized I had actually brought a babysitter but she was wrenching her guts in the hotel.

I think this is the reason my cousin has stopped talking to me though.

My son was an angel in church until the priest said: "Do you x take y to be your lawful wedded husband", and my son burst out a loud "NOOOOOOO!" - at which point I left the church in haste.

I guess your friend is trying to avoid the above, and it is much better to bring somebody with you to mind the baby than to leave him a whole weekend. Good luck and have fun!

JodieG1 · 14/12/2007 12:20

I wouldn't go, couldn't leave my baby for that long and wouldn't want to. Weddings are family events imo and I've never been to any that said no children.

Original poster
kelmcmistletoe · 14/12/2007 12:21

I completely agree with you and i wouldn't be so bothered but, i forgot to mention, that there will be children there but only immediate family's kids!! should have been more clear sorry

OP posts:
fleacircus · 14/12/2007 12:21

I don't think she's being unreasonable - like any event she chooses to host, she can invite who she likes. But I can sympathise with you being annoyed and if I were you I might just decide it would be too much hassle to go.

snowleopard · 14/12/2007 12:29

YANBU! This is a perennial MN topic. I suppose in theory people who are getting married can set their own rules, but I do personally think that anyone who bans children from their wedding is a miserable git. Weddings should be fun family occasions - and IME anyone who has a disruptive/screaming toddler or baby at a wedding takes them outside at the first hint of noise anyway. I attended a lovely wedding this summer where me and several other parents ended up outside on the lawn with our babies and toddlers during the ceremony - they had a ball, and it didn't ruin anything. It was so nice to see all the kids running around ad playing together, and to see the bride's 96-yo grandpa and newborn nephew together - what a wedding should be.

I think you're within your rights to say "sorry, we can't leave DS so we can't make it." But I agree if you want to go, take DS and someone who can look after him in the hotel or whatever nearby.

TheTwelveDAISYOfChristmas · 14/12/2007 12:31

why is the fact that it's a scottish wedding important?

Can you take your parents with you and they can look after DS whilst you enjoy the wedding? My friend did that for my wedding, even though kids were allowed as she wanted a child free day.

like others have said though, it's her wedding and her choice; lots of people choose not to have children at their wedding, especially if they have none themselves.

and on the ruination factor, we got married in a hotel with a railway line running past on the other side of the road. Just as I was about to say "I Do", my DS (3) shouted out "a train, a train, look mummy a train"

We all thought it was funny, but others might not!

camillathechicken · 14/12/2007 12:34

unfortunately, if you have a lot of friends with childrne, you can increase your guest list and costs massively. It is her wedding, her choice,you will be able to find a way round it, evn if it means you and your DH attending in shifts.

howtheBOOKTHIEFstolechristmas · 14/12/2007 12:34

Why don't you phone your friend and say how much you'd like to come to the wedding but unfortunately you won't be able to leave ds. Hopefully she'll then say "oh bring him. he's only little".

If not, then you're not in a worse of position than you are now and at least you'll have raised it with her.

I only invited family children to my wedding but if someone had phoned and asked if they could bring a baby I'd have been fine about it.

IsawKIMIkissingsantaclaus · 14/12/2007 12:35

We had children (DHs side of the family) at our wedding and they ran wild, all you can hear the whole way through the speeches are children running about and screaming.

No way no how would I ever invite children to a wedding, I do not expect to take my children, we went to a lovely wedding where the children were invited and we only took DS1 as DS2 was still very small and not at the sitting still for hours stage.

Original poster
kelmcmistletoe · 14/12/2007 12:36

The only reason a scottish wedding mentioned.....i live in london (after living in scoltland for 10years) and parents live in australia!!!!!
we had about 10 kids at my wedding and personally it added to the occasion, and gave flower girl and page boy some one to play with, they had a ball!!

OP posts:
TheTwelveDAISYOfChristmas · 14/12/2007 12:46

ok, so taking your parents along isn't really an option then

i agree that children help make the occasion. We had loads at ours and they kept everyone entertained in that annoying lull between ceremony and wedding breakfast.

hatrick · 14/12/2007 12:57

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Original poster
kelmcmistletoe · 14/12/2007 12:59

i think thats where this wedding is at? what was it like?

OP posts:
hatrick · 14/12/2007 13:00

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TuttiFrutti · 14/12/2007 13:01

I can see both sides.

You could talk to your friend, explain how difficult it is for you and then she might say it's OK to bring him. On the other hand, this could put pressure on her to agree something she doesn't want to and could create tension between you.

The option I would take is what someone else has already suggested, try to hire a babysitter/nanny to come with you so you can be with your ds but not all the time. Friends of ours have done this with local teenage girls who are usually quite keen for a "free" holiday.

hatrick · 14/12/2007 13:02

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3madboys · 14/12/2007 13:08

i had this with my best friends wedding, i was the first amongst friends to have kids, (she now has a young baby) but at the time i had ds1 and ds2, in the end i had to pay for my sister to come with me, we hired a cottage for the weekend and she looked after the boys, but as ds2 was little i had to nip back to bfeed him etc, also i had to put him to bed with a feed etc, so we had the meal then went back to our cottage, (which was ten mins or so drive from the venue) to put the boys to bed etc, then went back for the evening due.

it was a complete pita and i was really upset about it, for me wedding have always been family events, i grew up abroad (sardinia) when little and wedding were always huge FAMILY events where the kids had a ball, it was great, its crappy british culture that kids are excluded

HonoriaGlossop · 14/12/2007 13:14

I just wouldn't go personally. I wouldn't have left my 8 month old for a weekend just for a wedding - they are being very selfish and cheeky to expect it IMO!

hatrick · 14/12/2007 13:15

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hatrick · 14/12/2007 13:16

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Minum · 14/12/2007 13:17

I had kids at my wedding party (several weeks after a very quiet mid week registry office wedding),as I'm pretty easy going, and the day wasnt that important to me tbh.

But I must say I've always enjoyed child-free weddings a lot more than family-style ones, as a guest even if the childcare was a pain to organise. I did get mastitus at one though, as DS2 was very young and excusively breast fed, and was away from him for a long time - that wasnt funny

HonoriaGlossop · 14/12/2007 13:17

I agree with 3madboys it's a bizarre state of affairs to an children from any family occasion like this - I find it so ODD that it's acceptable; it wouldn't be ok to say "I'll invite you but don't bring your husband" so why is it ok just because those being excluded are young people!