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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to be annoyed that my DS is not invited to friends scottish wedding.????

48 replies

kelmcmistletoe · 14/12/2007 12:02

Ok, i get the fact that it adds to numbers and mouths to feed etc but my DS will only be 8months so wont need a meal or a chair. It will be a whole weekend wedding so really dont want to leave him behind but friend has said absolutely no children

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 14/12/2007 13:17

oops, to BAN children I mean

glastocat · 14/12/2007 13:18

I think YABU. As others have said, its up to the bride and groom who they want to invite. Some people have said that they think kids are what weddings are all about - well that's just your opinion, isn't it? I had a tiny wedding with no kids invited, just immediate family and close friends in Wandsworth registry, followed by a posh restaurant, and the pub. It was a grown up party and any kids would have been bored shitless. So, if you want to go, I think you should take a babysitter. In fact that's what I did for weddings when my sprog was little, even if he was invited, as otherwise it was a bit of a drag for all of us I found.

hatrick · 14/12/2007 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TroutSprout · 14/12/2007 13:25

I agree with snowleapard

snorkle · 14/12/2007 13:31

I always thought very young children were generally exempt from 'no children' rules. After all if you are breastfeeding then you simply can't leave them for very long. To exclude such babies effectively excludes their mothers too, but if that's her wish, you can only go along with it.

I think bookthiefs idea is good.

Original poster

kelmcmistletoe · 14/12/2007 13:35

I think i might do that but this request was made in an email as invites have'nt gone out yet so dont think she'll budge but then i was preggers when she sent it!!
It would be gtreat to take a babysitter with us but from what i can gather it is quite pricey and the b&b's/hotels etc aren't that close to reception.
Oh I dont know maybe we will just have to give it a miss, my DH said we shouldn't go when i told him DS wasn't invited!

OP posts:

hatrick · 14/12/2007 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

soopermum1 · 14/12/2007 13:42

YANBU. if you lived nearby and could drop DS off for a few hours with a family member or friend then fine, but this is a whole weekend to be apart from DS

kokeshi · 14/12/2007 13:43

Oh I live very close to there, it's gorgeous.

soopermum1 · 14/12/2007 13:47

ps, i took DS when he was 1 year old to a funeral. it was a close friend on myself and DHs and we'd flown to australia to attend. everyone we knew was attending so didn't have much choice in the matter. the family were fine about it. normally i wouldn't take a baby to funerals but they could see we had no option. DH just stood at the back with him and popped out whenever he made any noise.our friend had been very fond of DS and they had pictures flashing up on screen in the chapel and one of them was of him holding DS which made me cry heaps.

ok, gone off topic now, sorry the point being, sometimes you have to do what you have to do, children are part of life and if it is a real inconvenience to the guest to get childcare etc then i think it's unreasonable to expect them to not bring DCs.

alicet · 14/12/2007 15:04

I don't think she is being unreasonable to not invite your ds as it is her day and therefore up to her how she celebrates it. Having children at a wedding makes it into a totally different kind of day to one without - its not just about it not costing anything and your child being able to sit on your lap.

However, I do think she would be unreasonable to be upset if you declined the invitation because you couldn't find childcare.

nowwearefour · 14/12/2007 15:30

i have been invited to a similar thing in scotland but tehy are allowing babies- and they said my 10 month old will count as a baby (but not my 2.5 year old obviously!) - think that is a reasonable compromise. I would no way leave an 8 month old- but if taking a babysitter isnt an option then it depends how good a friend they are and how much you want to go). I think it is a real shame but it is understandable in my view. WE had kids ot my wedding and it really added to the day. but not many of my friends had them at that point now in mid 30s most of my friends do so is a different situation i guess....

Unfitmother · 14/12/2007 15:43

I have regretfully declined to accept invitations that do not include dc's. Their choice who they invite but my choice whether to go.

sb6699 · 14/12/2007 16:05

As unfit mother says it is choice whether or not to invite children and your decision whether to go or not.

I only invited family children to my wedding, not because I wanted to deliberately exclude my friends DC's but for the cost factor. I would have rather invited more family and friends than children some of whom I hardly ever see.

HOWEVER - if you cannot find a babysitter, I would suggest you speak to her as I would certainly not have wanted one of my friends to miss the day because of this and would have just told them to bring lo along.

inSanityClaus · 14/12/2007 16:07

If you stay at the cameron House (I've been to a wedding there - lovely), could they not organise a babysitter for the ceremony and the meal?

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 14/12/2007 16:16

I would ( and have recently) regretfully decline and explain the reason.
Another family also hjad to decline for the same reason. the couple then relented, the children were invited, behaved impeccably, and everyone was happy.
But we genuinely could not have gone otherwise, and so would have sent a gift.

helenhismadwife · 14/12/2007 17:48

YAB a bit U, it is your friends big day and she is entitled to have it just the way she wants it. It could well be that cost is an issue as well.

Having said that I would have to think very carefully about going to a wedding if my dc were not invited especially if they were under a year and I was still feeding. A whole weekend is a long way to be away from your baby and taking them and someone to care for them is expensive and a lot of messing about.

islandofsodor · 14/12/2007 17:58

YABU for being annoyed that ds is not invited but YANBU for politely declining the invitation saying that you can not leave your baby so young to travel so far away for that amount of time.

frostythesnowmum · 14/12/2007 18:02

YABU no children means just that and once exceptions are made then arguements happen and stress levels rise and the whole wedding becomes a nightmare.
To be fair I think your friend expects you to decline and has just invited you to let you know she cares about you - no one would expect you to leave an 8 month old for an entire weekend.
The only other thing you can do is go take lo and you and dp/dh take do the day in shifts one enjoying the wedding the other babysitting.

hedgehog1979 · 14/12/2007 18:09

when I got married it was a small registry office thing for immediate family and friends only. We asked FIL not to bring his GF of 7 months and he refused to come unless we invited her too.
we relented but when she showed up you would have thought it was a fashion parade and even now (5 years on) it still generates mirth from other people.
We were annoyed that our wishes were not respected on our day.

I know this is slightly off the thread but I think you need to discuss this with your friend and see if some compromise can be agreed, you don't want to ruin her day and I am sure she is not unreasonable

Ubergeekian · 14/12/2007 18:16

We specifically invited children to our wedding and got lots! Yes, they were a bit noisy during the service, but it was important to us to get married in the real world - and in the real world lots of our friends have children. We also specifically told people not to get dressed up and not to give us presents, both of which probably also boosted numbers a fair bit.

Nothing to do with the question, really. Just boasting.

TEUCHywithallthetrimmings · 14/12/2007 18:24

We only had immediate family at ours simply because there was no way we could accommodate all of our friends DCs and certainly wouldn't only invite the ones we liked best!!

In retrospect, we didn't realise the logistics of people travelling to a wedding without children...but a couple fo close friends commented on how nice it was to have a night away themselves.

As said before, it is an invitation not a summons! But ask, you never know...

JennaJ · 14/12/2007 18:40

kelmcmistletoe

As a nanny (who does this kind of thing at the weekends) I would charge you only for the hours I worked providing that you pay for my room and travel and that I was free to do my own thing for the rest of the time. I charge £8 per hour....

If you could find someone like me then it wouldn't be too pricey..Im guessing you would only need the ceremony and reception hours covering.

Im in West London if you decide you need to take a nanny . Or why not look for a babysitter who lives closeish to the wedding venue..they could then come to the hotel and sit for you.

Jenna

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