Difficult situation with work colleague

[CanaryMellow]

I started a new job 12 months ago, it's very team based and active, hard work but the banter and laughs with colleagues help the shifts fly by.

About 6 months into the job a male colleague I got on with really well with, and who actually helped me a great deal when I was new, told me he had feelings for me.

I made light of it - "oh don't be daft I'm a nightmare, you don't see me being a moody cow!" Etc. (True)

He apologised the next day and told me he was transferring, as he was finding the situation difficult. I felt awful and guilty, but I've never flirted/led him on/let him think there's any chance. But, there is chemistry. I'm not interested, I am happily married, it's just that we click - same humour, similar interests. It would have been great if we could have been friends.

I should say, I have told my DH about all of this, we've been together 15 years and are solid.

So he did transfer a short while later, and I've definitely been missing him at work -as I said, I wish we could have been friends but I thought it best to have no contact.

He has now got in touch out the blue - he's miserable where he's transferred to and he's thinking about returning. He asked me how I felt about that, and said his feelings haven't changed and he thinks about me a lot.

What should I reply?

He’s not asking how you fee about him transferring back.
He’s trying to see if he might be in with a chance with you.
If you don’t want that, you need to be clear with him now.

Don’t reply anything you don’t owe him anything and his feelings aren’t your problem

Don’t reply but speak to your manager about it

Agree with PPs, he's looking for an opening.

If you must reply:
1 he must make his own work decisions, you cant help him with that
2 you dont return any of his feelings and would always expect to keep your relationship strictly professional.

And on 2 stick to it - no contact outside work, nothing beyond normal pleasantries at work.

Tell him that whilst you like him as a friend and that you enjoy having a laugh with him, you're happily married, etc.

Some people confuse having a laugh and getting on with someone as flirting. That's probably what's happened here (and he is perhaps hopeful that you fancy him)

I’d either not respond or respond bluntly you’re a married woman and expect to be treated professionally/respectfully, never make me feel uncomfortable about this again.

@DisplayPurposesOnly

Agree with PPs, he's looking for an opening.

If you must reply:
1 he must make his own work decisions, you cant help him with that
2 you dont return any of his feelings and would always expect to keep your relationship strictly professional.

And on 2 stick to it - no contact outside work, nothing beyond normal pleasantries at work.

Thank you I might do this - I feel like I should reply, as if he did return, we'd absolutely have to work together and the job would be pretty tough if there was negativity and awkwardness.

I could ask my manager, who I have a great relationship with, not to take him back and she might agree but I really don't want to interfere in someone's life like that.

I'm hoping if he does return he'll just meet someone and we can be work-mates with the usual positivity and banter.

Good grief. He's being really unprofessional putting all this on you. He knew you were married from the off and should have kept his feelings to himself and dealt with them like a grown up. As it is, even though you're solid with DH, he's still got you thinking about missing him and making things difficult with his drama about transferring out and back again. I'd definitely inform your management so it's clear where you stand and any escalation can be dealt with, and I'd be extremely professional in your response, if indeed you need to respond at all. It's really not on for him to be involving you in his emotional life.

I would urge caution to not be too appeasing/not wanting to make his life difficult when he clearly has no qualms about your professional or personal life.

Unfortunately, he’s made it that you can’t have a laid back and banterish informal working relationship.

I could ask my manager, who I have a great relationship with, not to take him back and she might agree but I really don't want to interfere in someone's life like that.

And yet he's interfering with your life by casting this threat of negativity and awkwardness over your work. I would put the situation to your manager and let her make the decision for the good of the team and the business. That's what matters here. It's not there to tend to his heartache!

You need to reinforce the fact that you have no interest in him. He wants to come back because of you

Stop with the 'banter'. It never leads to anything constructive.

@TheCreamCaker

Tell him that whilst you like him as a friend and that you enjoy having a laugh with him, you're happily married, etc.

Some people confuse having a laugh and getting on with someone as flirting. That's probably what's happened here (and he is perhaps hopeful that you fancy him)

I am a very warm, friendly, open person with everyone and I think I've inadvertently given the wrong impression so I do feel some responsibility for the situation too. I never thought he may read it the wrong way, but 80% of the workforce are male and I've not had any issues like this before in the industry. Urg!

I've definitely been missing him at work as in you're still thinking of him regularly? If it was months ago I'm surprised you're even thinking of him really.

Anyway if you're going to say something make it clear that you aren't interested and any advances will be unwelcome.

Ask your husband what an appropriate reply would be.

@PingedPotato

I've definitely been missing him at work as in you're still thinking of him regularly? If it was months ago I'm surprised you're even thinking of him really.

Anyway if you're going to say something make it clear that you aren't interested and any advances will be unwelcome.

I guess I wouldn't say regularly -- we worked well together and the team is worse off without him, so it's more a "god this wouldn't happen if X was here!" So now and again!

I'm definitely not wistfully/romantically thinking of him - no one compares to my lovely DH, I'm very lucky.

I think I'm finding it hard being too blunt to him, he lost his wife 2 years ago and is a single dad to their daughter, I think him having feelings for anyone is a big thing for him (sorry, i should have said that in OP). He deserves someone who has the same feelings.

@Helpstopthepain

Ask your husband what an appropriate reply would be.

He's said it's totally up to me how to handle it - he's very laid back about all of this, he knows nothing would happen (as I said, wonderful DH!).

I think I'm finding it hard being too blunt to him, he lost his wife 2 years ago and is a single dad to their daughter, I think him having feelings for anyone is a big thing for him (sorry, i should have said that in OP). He deserves someone who has the same feelings

That's exactly why you do have to be very blunt with him. It would be cruel not to be as he will continue to think there might be a chance.

You have to lay it out very clearly that you are happily married, are not and never will be interested in anything. And if he does return, I'd recommend keeping as much distance as you can whilst still allowing you both to do your jobs.

It's harsh but it is up to him to manage his feelings and decide whether he can deal with that.

I've been on both sides of this situation... On the one hand it is unbearable to work with someone you're very attracted to but cannot be with. I do feel for him, and if I were him I wouldn't transfer back.

On the other hand it will be so awkward if he's back and staring at you/trying to be pals all the time. I have had to fully cut off all non-essential contact with one colleague because he was inappropriate and then always wanted to apologize about it and tell me how guilty he felt. It was awful.

Do not respond. You risk massively overstepping appropraite professional boundaries.

Hmmm if you do reply but perhaps best not to something like "we will only ever be colleagues so perhaps best try somewhere else"

He’s a manipulative twat and this is totally unprofessional and out of order to lay this all on you and make out like you’re responsible for his major decisions about his work.

There is no way you can be just friends because he is a fucking creep who doesn’t have any idea about boundaries.

You should not respond and go to your manager and show them all of his messages.

Tell your husband he’s messaged you. I’d reply saying come back if you want but I can only offer you a work friendship. I have no feelings for you at all.

You are going to have to be very firm and say that you are just going to keep it professional, and given he has feelings for you it’s better you don’t talk to each other.

I’ve been in this position before and i was pretty naive, it ended up with him texting me in the middle of the night when he was drunk, my dh saw the text which caused serious problems.

Fortunately he realised that trying to interfere in a marriage was not the best thing to do so he then kept his distance and stopped talking to me unless for work. The only way your colleague will be able to manage his feelings is to minimise contact.

I would reply “you’ve made me feel very uncomfortable and seeing as you’ve asked, no, I’d rather not work with you again” then block him.