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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Difficult situation with work colleague

48 replies

CanaryMellow · 16/11/2021 18:01

I started a new job 12 months ago, it's very team based and active, hard work but the banter and laughs with colleagues help the shifts fly by.

About 6 months into the job a male colleague I got on with really well with, and who actually helped me a great deal when I was new, told me he had feelings for me.

I made light of it - "oh don't be daft I'm a nightmare, you don't see me being a moody cow!" Etc. (True)

He apologised the next day and told me he was transferring, as he was finding the situation difficult. I felt awful and guilty, but I've never flirted/led him on/let him think there's any chance. But, there is chemistry. I'm not interested, I am happily married, it's just that we click - same humour, similar interests. It would have been great if we could have been friends.

I should say, I have told my DH about all of this, we've been together 15 years and are solid.

So he did transfer a short while later, and I've definitely been missing him at work -as I said, I wish we could have been friends but I thought it best to have no contact.

He has now got in touch out the blue - he's miserable where he's transferred to and he's thinking about returning. He asked me how I felt about that, and said his feelings haven't changed and he thinks about me a lot.

What should I reply?

OP posts:

immersivereader · 16/11/2021 19:23

He seems OTT

Sounds a bit Saved by the Bell, tbh

PingedPotato · 16/11/2021 19:36

You need to be blunt with him. You want a strictly professional relationship

swanswallow · 16/11/2021 19:41

I wouldn't reply. It sounds to be honest that you both continue to have feelings for each other. You are already in a happy marriage and he doesn't want to be heart broken particularly given his previous loss.

I think I would keep it as simple as that. If he returns, continue in a similar tone, with replies to actual work emails only and no 'banter'. Your professional relationship needs to be crystal clear.

FrazzledY9Parent · 16/11/2021 19:54

Poor guy. I'm going to go against the grain a bit and say that you should reply and tell him firmly but kindly that you don't have those sorts of feelings for him and you don't think it's a good idea for him to come back as it won't be healthy for him. Tell him what you said here about him being a lovely guy who deserves to be happy with somebody who loves him back. You really want that to happen for him so it's best if he has a clean break from you.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 16/11/2021 19:58

You may want to be gentle with him, but he’s taking your gentleness as an opportunity to ride roughshod over you. If he knows nothing is going to happen, why did he even feel the need to tell you that he still feels the same? If he truly wanted to work platonically, and comfortably, with you, he should have kept that to himself. I think he’s got the potential to become pushy and obsessed tbh, if he’s not already there.

Darkstar4855 · 16/11/2021 20:02

He’s hoping you might be missing him and might have changed your mind. Whatever happens, you need to be absolutely upfront about the fact that you are not interested in anything more than a professional relationship.

Original poster

CanaryMellow · 16/11/2021 20:49

@ThePriceIsNotRight

I wish he had not said it, too! I would have just assumed the feelings he thought he had months ago were long gone and we could be friends. I think he must be very lonely.

OP posts:

WaltzingBetty · 16/11/2021 21:17

You need to tell him that he's making you uncomfortable and you don't want to discuss his feelings as you're happily married. It's up to him if he returns or not.

BuggerOrfDeary · 16/11/2021 21:37

He knows you're married, yet he thought it was appropriate to tell you he has feelings for you, that's completely inappropriate and unprofessional
How would you feel if your husbands work colleague did the same?
Would you like it if he replied to further messages from the colleague saying the same or would you prefer it if he just blocked her?

Pinkdelight3 · 17/11/2021 10:17

You need to see the bluntness as the kind thing to do. Being gentle with him only feeds his interest in you. And painting him as this heartbroken lonely widower isn't helping either. He's a grown man, a colleague, and needs to be treated professionally, not pitied and pussyfooted around. The more you engage with his love story, the worse this situation will get. Bat it upward to your boss to deal with. This is 100% not your issue. You have a job to do and this is an unnecessary distraction. it sounds like your work needs alerting anyway as the blurred boundaries is going to cause more problems for the 20% of women any time one of the 80% of men decide their friendly colleague must have the hots for them.

Original poster

CanaryMellow · 21/11/2021 07:01

Just to update, I replied to him and said I hoped he would make the right decision for himself, and that if he did return then I'd expect us to have a positive, professional relationship. I followed that with saying that if there ever was anything inappropriate said or done, I wouldn't be discussing it with him but I would have to go to the manager, as I found his discussions of 'feelings' very uncomfortable.

He replied 'oh. Okay.'

No apology for causing awkwardness, and to be honest it came across as stroppy to me, so I think you were all right and I've been naive!

I'll keep a copy of what I sent to him, just in case.

OP posts:

FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 07:14

He replied 'oh. Okay.' ha yes he was fishing to find out if you were interested

TellMeItsPossible · 21/11/2021 07:22

He's one of those boundary pushers, looks like.

You've handled it well, op, but if when he pops up again, stick to your word and speak to your manager.

Original poster

CanaryMellow · 21/11/2021 07:28

I'm kicking myself for thinking too kindly of him, now. I really was expecting him to be mortified and apologetic that he'd caused awkwardness for me.

Anything further and I will approach my manager, actually I may have an informal chat with her anyway just so she's aware - I trust her.

OP posts:

groovergirl · 21/11/2021 07:56

Don't kick yourself, OP. Your response was a good one firm, but not unkind and who knows? He probably is mortified, and feels so embarrassed to have these feelings for you. He's probably dreading his return, and in fact might decide against it.

I've been on both sides of this too, and I'm going against general opinion here. I admire your colleague for being honest with you and clearing the air, then seeking a transfer to distance himself and get over his crush. Clearly, after six months, it hasn't worked, and if he dislikes his new role he must be even more miserable.

You both sound like very decent people. You've been good colleagues in the past, and you will be again. His crush will eventually run its physiological course. A colleague of mine once fell for me, and as I knew how awful unrequited love could be I treated him kindly while being careful not to give him any encouragement. He got over it and we continued to work together congenially for the next 15 years. It can be done.

cameocat · 21/11/2021 08:02

I don't think you have to feel bad at all, or kick yourself. You have handled it well and been clear.

Sparkai · 21/11/2021 08:04

I love your response! It was firm and clear with no opportunity for boundary pushing. Just perfect.

Men are often so entitled that they don't even realise it, they have internalised the "girls are taught to be kind and smooth things over rather than potentially cause a scene" just as much as we are. Doesn't make it OK, but explains why he thought he could have another play for you/expect you to fix the problem for him

Vapeyvapevape · 21/11/2021 08:15

I think in this type of situation I wouldn’t try to be kind , I take it he knows you are married and doesn’t care that he’s made you feel uncomfortable, he sounds sleazy with his fake ‘checking on how you feel’ rubbish.

skodadoda · 21/11/2021 08:19

@DisplayPurposesOnly

Agree with PPs, he's looking for an opening.

If you must reply:
1 he must make his own work decisions, you cant help him with that
2 you dont return any of his feelings and would always expect to keep your relationship strictly professional.

And on 2 stick to it - no contact outside work, nothing beyond normal pleasantries at work.

Absolutely agree with this.

Vapeyvapevape · 21/11/2021 08:20

And decent men don’t hit on married women.

skodadoda · 21/11/2021 08:29

OP, well said. He sounds almost on the verge of stalking.

ArthurApples · 21/11/2021 09:06

He is manipulating you.

Original poster

CanaryMellow · 21/11/2021 16:36

That's encouraging to know things turned out well with your situation, @groovergirl thank you very much for your post.

I'm hoping he can move past his feelings stay professional - selfishly I'm upset because I did think a lot of him with shared interests and had hoped we'd be friends! But I do understand I have to lay the line quite firmly.

He'll be able to make his decision now, knowing I'm not going to entertain any inappropriateness.

I'm sure he only has this crush because there's a limited pool of women in the workplace the long hours make socialising difficult - I hope as soon as he meets someone, he'll be like 'ew, how could I ever like you!'

OP posts:

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