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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to still be upset after he's apologised...

67 replies

pinktinselanddollymixtures · 14/12/2007 11:12

I love my husband to bits. But every now and again he really winds me up. He is the youth deacon at our church and I support him 100% in this. But and here is the but, every few months I have to have a conversatiopn with him about how is doing so much with the youth that he totally neglecting his family.
We have 3 children and surely he should be giving the best of his time to them.

Well, anyway he's done it again and this time i'm really upset. Namely because it's christmas and he missing out on important family time because he is taking the youth group out.

Last week he missed out on a christmas trail with the girls because he took the YG to a gig. The day after the gig we were supossed to be going christmas shopping but 3 of the youth boys stayed over and didn't leave till 12. He was supposed to be somewhere else at 2 so that didn't give us a lot of time.

This saturday he has arranged (without consulting me) to take the youth group up to cheltnam for the weekend. Not only is this valuable shopping time. But it is also our carols by candelight service at he church. Which we go to every year as a family, well not this year it seems.

So he has said sorry. He has told me that he had some reflection and realised he is in the wrong. But I am upset because I dont need any reflection to know I have to put my children first. I am their mum and it comes naturally, why is it so hard for him?. He tells me he loves us and we are his main priority but his actions completly go against that. I'm fed up of going over the same ground every few months and I am more upset because it's christmas and I am having to sort out all the shopping on my own (and i dont drive).

He never ever takes me out anyway unless somebody else tells him to. Yet he is always out with the youth group.

I dont go anywhere or have anytime off from the girls. I home school them (which I love) so am with them constantly. But he is always so busy that there is never anytime for me to go out.

The worst this about it all is that I am a christian, I know I should be able to just forgive him and move on, so why am I finding it so difficult?

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

Elizabetth · 14/12/2007 22:09

Well calling the things you obviously enjoy doing - "for the Glory of God" puts your wife in a very difficult position, because how can she object to your neglect of your family: then she's standing in the way of God apparently.

You said you needed to change but the one concrete thing you mentioned was getting the calendar out to involve your wife more in your work. That doesn't actually reflect a new commitment to your family whatever you may be thinking. It's a continuing focus on your work.

In your wife's first post she says she never gets out on her own because you're always busy so she has to take care of the children. Your children are both of yours responsiblity. Perhaps the first thing you need to do with the calendar is scheduling some time so your wife has some time to herself and make sure that's a permanent change. You actually aren't setting a good example, either to the young people you work with or to your children by not undertaking your fatherly responsiblities properly.

motherhurdicure · 14/12/2007 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AngharadGoldenhand · 14/12/2007 22:57

I'm slightly horrified at PT's dh's sentence -

The truth is I have a real desire to involve DW with the youthwork.

Don't you think she does ENOUGH?

madamez · 15/12/2007 00:13

Elizabetth puts it very well. Too many people use gods as an excuse for mistreating the people closest to them as it is.

fairylights · 15/12/2007 13:24

mr pink tinsel - your dw sounds completely exhausted, i am not sure that involving her in the youth work would especially bless her right now. It sounds like she needs less going on in her life, not more!!
mrs pinktinsel - we could have an endless debate about whether we need church programmes or not, but it is actually possible to love Jesus and worship him in a community of people and serve him outside of the mainstream church, honestly. Sometimes other christians think you are a bit odd and worry about you but it is possible and a lot less hassle..believe me, i have tried it both ways

fairylights · 15/12/2007 13:26

oh sorry, maybe that was mr pinktinsel talking about programmes.. am getting confused!

beeper · 15/12/2007 15:45

Sorry but this whole thread sounds like a set up. Your wife starts it off for some advice and then suddenly your in here giving us all a sound 'relgious' bashing about how much you do and how important it is.

I know plenty of women whose husbands are forever at some meeting or group, I have seen it first hand.

SelfishMrsClaus · 15/12/2007 17:10

A set up of what Beeper?

Original poster

pinktinselanddollymixtures · 15/12/2007 19:38

Beeper- This is a genuine thread. I have been hugely helped by the comments on here and as such I thought I would show dh.

Dh then thought he would like to respond to some of the issues raised during the thread. Of course not everyone would appreciate his answers. I am sure you have come across people that you dont agree with on mumsnet from time to time. We all do. But that is the nature of an online community. Designed to offer help and advice, but also promote discussion. Naturally this will sometimes lead to a difference of opinions as the beauty of mumsnet is that it has a very wide selection of people from all walks of life.

Due to the responses that we have had on this thread dh and I are working through are issues. Our first port of call will be a marriage course/dvd/book (haven't decided yet). We are also keen to get a family night going. I would also like dh to do a parenting course with me (after the marriage one of course).

Anyway just another quick thank you to all of you.

OP posts:

HolidaysQueen · 16/12/2007 11:15

pinktinsel - good luck to you and your family!

We did the pre-marriage course run by Holy Trinity Brompton and they do a marriage course - details here - which lots of churches run.

I can heartily recommend it - the format is great for giving you time to listen and discuss issues, but also spend time praising each other as well so the balance is great. You also have a couple helping you out, and at HTB at least they gave us dinner and cakes which was lovely!

Neither my DH nor I are Christian, and we didn't find that this course was overtly Christian (so would recommend to anyone), but as it is run by churches I think you may find a perspective there that really helps you and your DH reconcile your own relationship with your wider church commitments.

Best wishes for Christmas and the New Year!

HQ xx

Ubergeekian · 16/12/2007 13:00

It sounds to me as if he's having an affair with another youth group leader. Are you quite, quite sure that he's not?

fairylights · 16/12/2007 13:04

mr and mrs pt: would just like to recommend again "sacred marriage" and "sacred parenting" by Gary Thomas - both really easy to read, by a guy who was in church leadership and has 3 kids - a lot of it is about the journey he has been on which started out a place sounding quite like where you are now..
all the best to both of you x

CarGirl · 16/12/2007 13:13

Hope you had/hae a great weekend together. Remember to pray about it all together day in and day out (not I easy to fit in I'm sure).

Enjoy your new special evening together & your family day and of course planning the terms events for the YG!

SelfishMrsClaus · 16/12/2007 22:55

For goodness sake Ubergeekian! Why would that be the most obvious answer...

They are Christian after all, with Christian morals & values.

Ubergeekian · 16/12/2007 23:12

"They are Christian after all, with Christian morals & values."

So were all the priests who have abused children. So were the nuns who ran the Magdalene Laundries. So was the Bishop of Galway.

I'm just naturally suspicious of anyone who seems to be finding an incredibly long list of excuses to be away from the house overnight. If she's sure that he's not playing away, fine, of course.

SelfishMrsClaus · 16/12/2007 23:18

No, what you seem suspicious of is anything at all to do with the church, or so your post seems.

SelfishMrsClaus · 16/12/2007 23:19

And there are plenty of people, apart from priests who abuse children.

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