Please help I'm at breaking point with my child

[Dustydolly]

Hi can anyone please help as I'm at breaking point here.

I have a 6 year old that I can't get to leave the home, he's not currently attending school because of this. He refuses to get dressed, won't wear any pjs either he wants to he naked all the time. I've cut all labels out, he has seamless socks, soft joggers and round neck tops as thats all he will tolerate. He last wore clothes on Thursday when after a 3 hour battle he went into school for 20 minutes. He gets violent, throws things, will absolutely not negotiate, we've tried visuals, sticker charts, he needs to be in absolute control at all times. He won't even go to a playpark or something a child his age would like.

I also have another child that attends a SEN school in a different town that is missing some days at school when I can't find alternative transport for her.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I have the education welfare officer on my case, she says I'm pandering to him and not trying hard enough, she's threatening legal action. We've also go a social worker that is now getting more concerned about his school attendance and behaviour.

We live in a flat so I have to get him down 5 flights of concrete stairs before getting to a carpark which is by a busy road, we've both received injures when I've tried carrying him and he's lashing out. I can't work, can't just pop to the shop, basically can't do anything because he refuses to get dressed and go out. I'm at my wits end. Thanks

You poor thing. I'm shocked you're not being helped at all.

Does your child have any SEN diagnosis? If not I’m shocked given that a sibling does and the level of problems.

You may already know this site, but if not this could be very helpful notfineinschool.co.uk/

Is he happy at home? What does he do all day? Did he used to like going to school, what has changed?

I'm seeing SEN flags all over the place but that's not necessarily helpful to you in the short term.

I'm assuming you've taken loads of steps to address this but are just at the end of your rope, so please don't be offended if I give advice you're already on top of.

I would contact the class teacher and ask them to make SENCO aware of issues. Be detailed in your explanations.

Contact your GP. Explain you are at crisis point with your child. You want support for them and for your mental health.

Exhale and allow your child and yourself a day or two to breathe. Let them wander around naked for the day if they want to. Don't worry about it. Just allow it. You can tackle this in the future but right now you have to be very picky about your battles.

I would also contact your DD's SEN school and explain issues, they can probably support you with sorting transport out for her.

The education welfare officer needs to get some training.

It is not pandering he clearly has sensory issues, that can make certain clothes, labels etc physically painful to wear. He needs to be referred for a full assessment as sensory issues are rarely a stand alone issue. He needs the right support and adjustments to be able to go to school, they can’t make a child conform because it suits them.

I'm another one who can see red flags for SN all over this.

Your ds is telling you he cant cope with school and, personally, I wouldnt force him with no support in place (for him or for you). Have you spoken to the school SENCO about him? How is he in school? What does he say about it? Can he explain what he doesnt like at all?

Thanks all.

Yes senco have been involved with him since he started reception there. He's also on the CAMHS waiting list for a diagnosis. We do have support in place, lots of strategies and plans have been put in place to help him but nothing seems to be helping, ds won't/can't cooperate. He's not been in school for 6 weeks apart from 20 minutes last week.

Getting your DD to school sounds like the more immediately soluble problem. I agree with the PP's suggestion of asking the school for help. She won't be the only student with a sib with additional needs that prevent parent drop off.

Sorry didn't mean to drip drip feed but dd refuses transport the local borough can provide as she has anxiety and just point blank says no. Honestly tearing my hair out.

Can you keep him home or do you need to be at work? He obviously isn’t coping with school and making it very clear.

Yes I've kept him home full time for 6 weeks now and before that he would only manage a day or two a week after arriving very late as it would take me hours to get him out the door. The problem is I'm not being threatened with legal action and child protection.

This is really hard. I totally agree about picking battles but your DD provided transport is a battle I would pick. Otherwise you have other battles to face. If she is anxious I would try and find a solution. If needs be I would contact the borough for any alternatives. If not is there any family / friends / other parents who can help?

My son was like this. I was very lucky that the professionals involved didnt put pressure on us about attendance as they seemed to 'get' him and the school excluded him anyway and there was no alternative school available.

When my son wouldnt leave the house and was violent /aggressive, he had basically had a total mental health breakdown caused by the school environment being so wrong for him and having masked there for a few years until his body couldnt cope any more. He has since been diagnosed with ptsd from his time at school before the breakdown.

Once he was in this state, it was like he was in a permanent fight or fligh stance basically so no strategies worked. We had to follow a low demand pattern to let him recover and got a lot of help of low demand from Newbold Hope and the PDA society.

After a few months, we could start to put more demands in place and stategies like vusuals and so on could work.

I think i would ask your gp /cahms for a mental health sick note for a few weeks and see if tgat helps with the pressure of non attendance and then let your son have as much total peace as possible. Then look at help transporting your other child.

It is very frustrating not being able to go out but you might get back to going out quicker if you take all pressure off for a bit.

No advice I'm afraid, but had to post to tell you what an amazing mother you are! It may not seem like it, but you are do a brilliant job and those children are fortunate to have you.

The EWO is a bitch, that's all I can say. It's obvious he has sensory processing disorder and possibly ASD/PDA. I would say home schooling him seems to make sense but is not something you should feel forced into. You can't get him in, he can't cope with it when you do force it and you then won't have the EWO on your back -BUT if you deregister him you'll be on your own, they'll wash their hands of you and that's not fair you need support. The government have said no one should be forced into home ed, info here (and a useful website),
www.ipsea.org.uk/News/no-one-should-be-forced-into-educating-at-home-through-lack-of-support-say-mps

School need to get the Ed Psyche involved or do something, are they helpful at all? Can you beg them for help crying down the end of the phone if needed? They need to say he can't cope and help you with what to do next IMO.

What happened after the 20 minutes he was in school? Did they just phone you to pick him up because they couldn't cope? That is not ok. Informal exclusions are illegal even if you agree to them. Info here if you scroll a little. If you pick him up because they can't cope then it's not their problem, it needs to be their problem so they get him the help he needs.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-48152365

Your daughter that is too anxious for borough transport - what if she had someone travel with her that she could get to know and trust? I would consider going down that route if you think it would work. You cannot have her not going to school, she needs to be supported to get there.

One other thing, it would be absolutely invaluable for you to see a good OT. They may be able to help with ways and ideas to desesitise your ds's skin. Can he cope with touch at all as massage might help, will he tolerate blankets? Being wrapped up or weighted blankets might help if so. Just a few thoughts but an OT may have all sorts of ideas if they're a good one with lots of experience.

Please, please keep fighting for your kids. They deserve an education. I know you must be totally exhausted and feel defeated and there are no words to describe the EWO (well fucking bitch maybe). Hang in there x

Is there any immediate support for both of your children around their mental health. In our local area we have iapt for children which social workers can access. I would also look at support groups for asd or sensory processing disorders. They often are able to offer support for parents and schools with dealing with these situations. Have you tried some education at home? It doesn’t have to be formal learning, even activities such as baking or helping with sorting washing can help. It would show you take education seriously and want to meet your child where he is.

Would your DS get dressed before he started school? I'm sure he has sensory issues, but it sounds as if he has also realised that getting dressed = being taken to school. Did he get dressed enough to let you take DD to school in the past?

Op

You need to throw your hands up to the school and social services and say that you are at your wit’s end and need urgent help and support.

In writing.

Be as emotive and on the edge as in this thread

You need support. This isn’t the time to hold back.

Good luck

I think you need to looks beyond CAMHS - it sounds like there's a good chance your son has either sensory processing disorder and/or ASD with a PDA profile.

It sounds hellish and I'm not surprised you feel done in by it all. But understanding what your child's SEND needs are will help you interpret their behaviour effectively and help you identify more effective strategies. You child is acting out because they can't cope not because they are inherently bad.

How long has your child refused to get dressed for? No idea what to suggest it sounds really difficult!

Sounds like hell for you, don't forget that you're an amazing mum and you're doing your absolute best.

I have a 10 year old son at a special school- he gets transport there, and he was incredibly anxious beforehand, so the taxi company came a few days before to meet him and show him the car and ease his anxieties a bit, I hated the thought of sending him, but now he's fine with it.
Maybe get in touch with the council about getting school transport put in place, and say that you'd like a meet and greet with the driver beforehand.

As for your son, I know it's not quite the same, but my dd refused school in year 11, it was a completely hopeless situation, and all I could do was be honest with the school, I also told them they were more than welcome to come and get her themselves, I'd imagine it's different in a primary school, but her high school had a minibus and an attendance officer that said they'd gladly come to my house to get her!

You're not pandering to him at all ffs, you've had to physically carry him to the car, what more are they expecting you to do??

Have you applied for echp?

www.sossen.org.uk/getting_started.php
www.ipsea.org.uk/
www.specialneedsjungle.com/
Sites that can help

I would tell them to quit with the legal threats you don't need that as well.

However I would say yes please to the social services input. They might be able to support in simple ways such as getting your dd to school in a way that works for her - or providing someone to sit with ds whilst you get dd there.

Write yourself a plan for each child:

Dd: needs to go to school
Can't use provided transport because her anxiety means she does xxx
Can't get her to school if xxx This can only happen when xxx therefore dd only makes it to school when xxx.
(So it could be I can't get her to school if I'm alone with ds as he won't leave flat. Can take her when grandma can sit with ds or grandma can take her but she can only do 2 mornings a week due to her job so for 3 days I can't get dd to school.)

Ds issues do not help dd anxiety because xxx

I need xxx help to ensure dd attends school daily.

I assume dd is OK once she is in school? Are there issues getting her home too or can she do transport home? Her school should be able to assist with getting her settled on transport given it is a special school - ask them for help.

What I mean by this plan is really spell it out to those giving you hassle what you need (and also what you have tried / what the barriers are and their impacts).