Please help I'm at breaking point with my child

[Dustydolly]

Hi can anyone please help as I'm at breaking point here.

I have a 6 year old that I can't get to leave the home, he's not currently attending school because of this. He refuses to get dressed, won't wear any pjs either he wants to he naked all the time. I've cut all labels out, he has seamless socks, soft joggers and round neck tops as thats all he will tolerate. He last wore clothes on Thursday when after a 3 hour battle he went into school for 20 minutes. He gets violent, throws things, will absolutely not negotiate, we've tried visuals, sticker charts, he needs to be in absolute control at all times. He won't even go to a playpark or something a child his age would like.

I also have another child that attends a SEN school in a different town that is missing some days at school when I can't find alternative transport for her.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I have the education welfare officer on my case, she says I'm pandering to him and not trying hard enough, she's threatening legal action. We've also go a social worker that is now getting more concerned about his school attendance and behaviour.

We live in a flat so I have to get him down 5 flights of concrete stairs before getting to a carpark which is by a busy road, we've both received injures when I've tried carrying him and he's lashing out. I can't work, can't just pop to the shop, basically can't do anything because he refuses to get dressed and go out. I'm at my wits end. Thanks

This isn't your fault and the EWO sounds ignorant and very unhelpful.

The school need to assess and support your son's needs, regardless of any diagnosis. What have they done so far? Have they requested expert input or an ed psych report? You can request an EHCP yourself.

It doesn't sound to me like you are going to be able to get your son back to school in the short term, there's no point struggling to get him back until arrangements have been out in place to make school more manageable for him.

You can get free advice from SENDIASS and The National Autistic Society.

This sounds so hard for both you and your son!

I only have one small tip which I have "overheard" given to others in the same situation. In explaining the situation (to school, to EWO, to SWs etc) it's helpful to use phrases which make it clear that he isn't a naughty child but is under intolerable stress.

For example, "cannot leave the house due to overwhelming anxiety" rather than "won't leave the house", "unable to attend due to mental health problems" rather than "school refuser", and so on.

I really hope you get the help you need!

It is really tough, my DS had massive meltdowns every morning for years, he had an sna.
I felt awful nearly dragging him to school but I'd no choice or SS would see it as neglect.
It was heartbreaking but he loves it now.
Keep trying, ask for morning carers if necessary or apply to home educate.

@EmeraldShamrock

It is really tough, my DS had massive meltdowns every morning for years, he had an sna. I felt awful nearly dragging him to school but I'd no choice or SS would see it as neglect. It was heartbreaking but he loves it now. Keep trying, ask for morning carers if necessary or apply to home educate.

Maybe you mean apply for home tuition to be provided by the LA? Children who are unable to attend school for medical reasons (which could include anxiety) should receive education from the LA, though they often try to weasel out of providing it.

Home education is something different - that is when parents choose to educate their child themselves. In the case of children attending a mainstream school in England or Wales you don't have to apply to home educate; you just inform the school by sending a properly-worded letter.

Start the EHCP process. Contact IPSEA or SOS SEN! for help with this. Don't rely on the school for help.

Seek legal advice from a specialist SEN solicitor and do not attend any meetings with SS without one present. Nip it in the bud now!

None of this is your fault, it sounds to me like your child has undiagnosed SEN.

I have no experience of this, but wanted to say you are an absolute hero. Your kids are so lucky to have you. Xxx

After missing that much school for medical reasons you're entitled to EOTAS (education other than at school)

You need to get evidence that his not being able to access school is medical

Then you need to demand EOTAS / support from LA

Apply for EHC needs assessment too if school hasn't

If he has a PDA profile and it sounds like he might, then sticker charts or any kind of a reward system might make things worse rather than better. It places an extra demand on them. I had to ask my daughter's school to stop using them for her for this reason.

I’m not shocked in the slightest - it’s easier to long the finger than to actually listen and out support in place.

In your situation, if it were me, I would de-register him from school and home school for at least the short term.

I think the first thing you could do is get your child signed off sick by the doctor for a week at least with anxiety. That would get the EWO off your back for a little bit. Talk to school again, about your daughters worries. Ask again about the school doing an EHCP. If they say no, then you as a parent can do it. It’s hard work, but if your dd gets it, it will be worth it. Google SENDIAS. They will be able to give you good advice. You can pm if you want.

Would it help to video the meltdown last so at least the Social services have a proper view?

This sounds so hard on you.

@OperationDessertStorm

Would it help to video the meltdown last so at least the Social services have a proper view?

This sounds so hard on you.

That’s a great idea.

@toolazytothinkofausername

No advice I'm afraid, but had to post to tell you what an amazing mother you are! It may not seem like it, but you are do a brilliant job and those children are fortunate to have you.

totally agree.

If the LEA paid for a PA (carer) to come and sit with your son would that help you get your DD to school? I know families who use their DLA for this kind of thing (or for e.g. a PA to help get a child ready in the morning).
Your DS doesn't sound like he's going to be happy at the school he's at, but for the difficulties getting dressed/sensory issues, if he will sometimes get dressed, can you offer a preferred outcome (e.g. half an hour's screen time) if he gets dressed (or even gets dressed for 5 minutes/puts on pants and socks).

(I am aware that stickers/praise don't help many children, but sometimes having it as a step to a desired outcome helps. We are currently working on a haircut for DS and we have got as far as going into the hairdresser and me brushing his hair, which led to a doughnut. We have also used this for putting on new clothes - try on these trainers and then you can have your TV time. Next try them on for 10 minutes).

I think you need an OT assessment. Thus might be available on the NHS via your GP, but otherwise do what you can to pay privately. It was the first thing that really made school listen to use.

One thing we did find helpful were lycra bodysocks. They aren't too expensive on ebay and the kids had a great time stetching out in them and rolling around.

I also immediately thought possible ASD with PDA and sensory processing disorder.

Can you look at the PDA society website. They have really good guides to strategies which are specific to PDA (and might feel contrary to the ones you have been using). If these work then that might guide you down the right diagnostic path.

Start the EHCP process too. Lots of good advice here. Sorry you are going through this.