Constant small talk from friend - am I being a cow?

[swiftt]

I’m feeling myself getting a bit annoyed at having to deal with constant small talk from my friend. I’ve never been the most social person, but I had a baby a few months ago and so am in a bit of a constant state of exhaustion. I’m not the greatest texter backer for those reasons. I’m a single mum so think my friend is in touch so often to check up on me which I’m grateful for and appreciate, but I just cannot be arsed with it. It’s messages throughout the day, every day. How did the baby sleep, how was -insert mundane activity that I may have mentioned ages ago- today, have your parents settled into their new house, how’s your day going, how was your dentist appointment. Multiple times throughout the day.

I feel so horrible for moaning because she’s a great friend but part of me just wants her to back off a bit. She isn’t lonely or anything either, she has a very busy, high flying job with long hours, a partner, dog, busy social life etc. Which makes me feel worse for complaining as she’s taking time from her pretty busy schedule to maintain this conversation with me… but she doesn’t need to!

Am I being horrible? Happy to accept if so. So as not to drip feed, I suffer from seasonal affective disorder and at this time of year feel myself becoming a bit of a recluse generally, which could be triggering this mindset of ‘leave me alone’.

Yabu, she obviously cares about you. If you want to loose her as a friend, start ignoring her texts otherwise only reply every few explaining that your shattered.

She's probably writing because she knows how hard the early days are with babies. It sounds like you may have a habit of self-isolating when feeling downs?

I would try to be honest with her - I'm feeling down, I am so tired, I could use a nap. Tell her how she can support you and it sounds like she will be there for you... she sounds like a good and caring friend.

@MizzFizz yes, I definitely do. I like to be left alone. If I tell her I’m struggling then she will likely smother me with more messages.

She is a great friend. I don’t want to lose her or even offend her by saying that she doesn’t need to message so often. I may just remind her of the SAD and that I might be a bit shit at replying but that I appreciate her checking in on me and always being there.

She doesn’t have kids yet herself.

Tell her you appreciate her texts and the sentiment behind them, but that you often won't have time to reply -- I think that will remove any sense of obligation from you, while still maintaining the relationship.

Unless, of course, it simply the fact of receiving them that is annoying you.

Yanbu. It is overkill communication.
I'd say you've gone off texting.
I've known a person like this it won't be the first time they heard it.
Tell her she's great but you find her texting OTT.

I think she means well but you could just not reply to them all and say you've had your phone on silent because it always tends to beep when the baby is just about to nod off(or you).

I'd say something like "Sorry if it takes me a while to reply to your messages by the way, I often leave my phone on silent while I'm dealing with the baby / leave it at home when we pop out for a walk " etc. Just drop it into conversation that you're not always going to reply immediately and she shouldn't worry.

It’s not the receiving of messages, it’s the constant pressure to reply and the continuation of what feels like mundane small talk. Example: friend: how was the dentist yesterday? Me: fine thanks, wasn’t in for long. Her: do you need anything done? Me: just a few fillings. Her: oh no, when will you get them done? Me: no idea, it’s nothing urgent. Yes, she’s a great friend but does anyone really care that much about someone’s dentist check up? 🙈 and then I end up feeling obligated to ask mundane questions in return like, how’s work going or how was your tea last night. I just find it draining. Most of my friends are friends who we catch up when we can and we have lots to talk about when we do. That’s the kind of friendship that I find easiest to maintain. I just find myself really struggling to maintain all day long text messaging for the sake of it, even though I appreciate the sentiment behind it. Sometimes I just feel like she’s almost a bit over invested in things.

i feel once again this is a case of honesty does indeed equal the best policy... you want her and value her as a friend however it would appear the current dichotomy of the relationship is unbalanced. communication is key. open up that line nonchalantly over a coffee. if that directness wouldn't go down well, you can always be slightly gentler and pick up your phone over the coffee and exclaim how you wish this unnamed person would stop texting you so often as you want to reduce screentime... be creative.

Just text her “ babes…life bit manic at the minute. Will text you properly when is all calms down. Xxx”.

This would drive in insane. I’d start ignoring her texts but then I’m not a very sociable person so wouldn’t mind losing a friend.

If you want to be nice just text back and say something like “yeah dentist went fine, hope you’re well. I’ll text you at weekend x”

If it’s the notifications bothering you, just mute the alerts from her. If it’s the constant replies bothering you, then don’t reply.

"Hey X, thank you so much for your text the other other day, so sorry I didn't reply I've been flat out with the baby and (make up for other crap). I'm just trying to make the most of the early days of motherhood whist I can so apologies if I don't always reply. I really value your interest and companionship, I'll make it up to you when I things have settled down for me. Will be in touch soon "

And then leave it for a week but always end the last text with" I'll be in touch with you soon "

YABU. You don’t have to reply immediately.

Don’t go complaining in a few years that nobody bothers with you since having a baby. I see that a lot on here. Keep your friend.

I’m in the same boat. Got a friend who does this and video calls me most days!! Argh!! Been so busy lately and having renovations done at the house. I’ve been ignoring her texts the past few days and receive one this morning saying “Helloooooo?!?”

Wtf she’s 36!!!

She sounds like a lovely friend who is trying to be supportive and show an interest in your life. I get the energy drain. Iv been exhausted with pnd and I tried my best to cut myself off from everyone.

Could you answer her once in the evening? Explain you are struggling and just need headspace so you will be replying once a day.

Tell her you are napping and will text her when dc is in bed..

@CanadaFall yes, I get this too. If I don’t reply within a couple of hours, she’ll normally message again asking if everything is okay and if I left it for a day, she would most definitely call me or get in touch with my mum to check I was okay. So leaving it for a while and not replying isn’t an option, I’d need to preempt it by telling her I need some space. I would just hate to offend her, she really is a lovely friend and is always there when I need her. I think we’re just on opposite ends of the social spectrum and what she feels is normal, sociable behaviour just feels totally overbearing and smothering to me at the moment. We are both late 20s.

Skip one text and when she texts again say "hi friend, sorry I'm not great at texting back at the moment I'm so busy with the baby! I'll text you at the weekend just trying to catch up on sleep at the moment!"

Awk she cares for you and seems interested in your life, that’s great! I have friends and relatives like this, much of the time I get messages after my bedtime .. don’t reply obviously and I just message the next day saying I was busy sleeping or whatever. She should get the message though that you are busy

Your friend sounds like the opposite of my own mother. I would love for someone to seem even remotely interested in my day, tbh.

I can’t vote as neither is unreasonable. It sounds like you’re not suited as friends. No ones fault. Just a not a good fit. Don’t try and change her, just accept it’s not for you.

Stop over sharing. Why tell her you’re seeing the dentist? Or just say ‘All fine’ when she asks how it went, don’t tell her something that will cause her to ask further questions. It’s tiring, but worth persisting with generic bland responses. Wtf, she’d text your mum? I’d be furious with that.

I’d say, tell her don’t panic if I don’t respond, tricky with new baby. Talk at the weekend. Keep saying that so you haven’t got to constantly respond.

Could you practise leaving it a little longer between replies? And also giving a bit less info and thereby effecting a halt on the conversation. Ie dentist was fine, just off out/ going to bed/ something else, will catch later, hope all is well with you etc.
She's being kind but I don't like constant texting either