Constant small talk from friend - am I being a cow?

[swiftt]

I’m feeling myself getting a bit annoyed at having to deal with constant small talk from my friend. I’ve never been the most social person, but I had a baby a few months ago and so am in a bit of a constant state of exhaustion. I’m not the greatest texter backer for those reasons. I’m a single mum so think my friend is in touch so often to check up on me which I’m grateful for and appreciate, but I just cannot be arsed with it. It’s messages throughout the day, every day. How did the baby sleep, how was -insert mundane activity that I may have mentioned ages ago- today, have your parents settled into their new house, how’s your day going, how was your dentist appointment. Multiple times throughout the day.

I feel so horrible for moaning because she’s a great friend but part of me just wants her to back off a bit. She isn’t lonely or anything either, she has a very busy, high flying job with long hours, a partner, dog, busy social life etc. Which makes me feel worse for complaining as she’s taking time from her pretty busy schedule to maintain this conversation with me… but she doesn’t need to!

Am I being horrible? Happy to accept if so. So as not to drip feed, I suffer from seasonal affective disorder and at this time of year feel myself becoming a bit of a recluse generally, which could be triggering this mindset of ‘leave me alone’.

Sounds like she genuinely cares about you. I do understand though as I have been in a similar situation myself. Drop her a text apologizing for not always replying straight away and just explain how you've really got your hands full at the moment. Say that you may not always get straight back to her but that you really appreciate her concern for you. She sounds like a good friend and you may need her in the future

It sounds like she's trying to be supportive and stay involved with your life - which is definitely something to appreciate! But I get that it's a bit much. I wouldn't text her about it, though. Give her a call or better yet, arrange to meet up so you can talk properly.

What if you were to say something like, texting every day is too much for me at the moment, but it would be great to meet up every week/couple of weeks or have a long phone call (or whatever works for you) so we can properly catch up. Maybe even have a standing appointment for wine and chat every X number of weeks so the contact is always ongoing. I'm sure you can work something out - but do it in person, so there's no misunderstanding.

Personally I can't stand small talk and would rather have a long, deep and meaningful convo once a month than daily texts - but having someone taking notice and checking in with you is also really, really nice, and if you don't have that, life can feel quite lonely sometimes. Maybe your friend is giving you the kind of contact that she really craves herself. So I'm just wondering if you can talk to your friend and come to some kind of compromise where you both feel valued and enjoy the contact you have without it becoming an issue between you.

Maybe your friend is giving you the kind of contact that she really craves herself.

I think @beastlyslumber is correct. I have a work colleague who is similar - to the point that I don't tell her if I'm ill or if something big is happening in my life as I don't want the resulting deluge of messages. a colleague actually said to her, "I don't need to be fussed over, thanks" one time. I suspect my work colleague is quite lonely or unhappy herself, which is why she craves the contact.

You've got a lovely friend there so tred carefully. I totally understand how you feel though. I'd just reply once at the end of the day.

@Dragonfire282 I really do, and I’d hate her to think I didn’t appreciate her. I think I am going to do this from now on, and if she brings it up then I’ll say I just find it more manageable to catch up on messages at the end of the day once baby is in bed.

Yeh good idea or say you're trying to spend less time on your phone during the day. If she's sending you what's app messages then you can mute her without her knowing and just reply once in the evening.

YANBU @swiftt this would drive me batshit too. Some people are just SO intense.

Oh God I had a ‘friend’ like this. Drove me bloody mad. She’d send me 50 or more texts a day about absolutely nothing. I found it so boring and intrusive and ended up putting my phone on silent when she would start sending one message after the other,and mostly ignoring her mundane chat/questions/interrogations and only responded if/when I could be bothered or if she actually had something to say of interest. She got the message ( excuse pun) after a while and now she texts me a couple of times a week like a normal person.

I switched my last seen off a while ago as I felt under pressure to reply to her, or anyone else, if I’d been on WhatsApp to see someone else’s message. Within a couple of hours of switching it off, she messaged asking why I’d switched it off. She’d say that she’d noticed I hadn’t been on for x amount of time etc before I switched it off. So I definitely think she’ll notice if I leave replying til the evening but I’m sure she’ll understand.

@PinkSyCo to be fair to her, I used to be the same with her message wise. We have messaged like this for a long time. It’s only been recently that it’s started to bother me, but I think the dynamic has changed as we both used to be single and in each other’s pockets. Now I have my baby and she has her partner, it feels like naturally we would start messaging less and message more like normal friends do, but it just hasn’t happened. I do think it’s out of concern for me, but also a part of her character as she is definitely quite intense.

This would infuriate me.
She clearly doesn’t realise that it isn’t helpful it’s actually very annoying!
Just reply less and when you do, just say ‘sorry I don’t have much time to be on my phone at the moment, having a baby takes up most of my time’ or end a message in the morning with ‘speak tomorrow’ or ‘have a good day’ as in I’m done with this convo for the day now!