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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp and I not talking

33 replies

mildredhubble48 · 16/11/2021 07:42

Things haven't been great with dp and I for a while. We got married in July and Im now 20 weeks pregnant. We've been under a lot of stress with family issues, ill health and a house move. As well as spending the last two years at home together during lockdown. I'm not sure when but it feels like we've lost our way with each other a bit. We stopped making effort, we bicker a lot and since I became pregnant my emotions are all over the place anyway.

We rowed last night about something stupid but it got very heated. He came up to bed and we haven't spoken since. He is ignoring me this morning. He's going away with work tomorrow until the weekend and i actually think the break will do us good but I'm quite hurt that he would go off on this sour note. I'm a believer that you don't leave things on a row as you don't know what may happen but at the same time I really feel like he's been a sulky arsehole at the moment and his reaction to the row last night was way over the top.

Do I try to make amends even though I'm not in the wrong or just leave him to stew? I'm feeling really shit about things at the moment. My pregnancy hasn't been the easiest so far and I'm not feeling massively supported by him.

OP posts:

Pukch · 16/11/2021 07:45

Honestly I would leave him to it. It sounds like there is a decent relationship in there under the multiple challenges. You can't control his actions, but you can your response to them. I find letting them crack on with their sulk and getting on with my life actually resolves things quicker

Original poster

mildredhubble48 · 16/11/2021 07:48

@Pukch I think you might be right. Usually I am the one the make peace after a row as I hate bad atmospheres but this time I really don't think I did anything to warrant the behaviour. It was just a stupid row that he's taking too far.

OP posts:

ImInStealthMode · 16/11/2021 07:52

I don't necessarily think you need to sit down and talk through it before he goes, but no matter how mad we were at each other I could never let DP go off on a trip away without telling him to take care and that I love him.

Hopefully the space will do you both a bit of good on this occasion and you can work it out when he's back. Has he expressed any worries about the baby? Not uncommon for Men to freak out a bit when it's suddenly a reality rather than an idea.

TopCatsTopHat · 16/11/2021 07:53

Sometimes it becomes a vicious circle. You are recognising multiple factors have led you both here, so if he's a decent bloke really is be tempted to de-escalate the whole situation by offering a clean slate situation. Maybe even put what you did in your op into an email with a recognition that the best of us can find it all getting on top of us and seeing if together you can't start to mend things with some mutual kindness and patience.
I've been in similar with my dh and a letter worked well when we weren't communicating brilliantly verbally. We're 10 years on from that bad patch (which like yours was a whole ton of stuff making it hard) and better than ever.

BruiserWoods · 16/11/2021 07:55

Does he give silent treatments because he has no really reasonable reason to be offended. My mother does this. Its headwrecking. From a partner thatd turn me off. Hard to sump yr mother but it is defensive and immature.

TopCatsTopHat · 16/11/2021 07:58

You don't necessarily need to making amends (as in be the one to say you were on the wrong and sorry etc) to have a conversation where you both acknowledge the difficulties you've been living with and recognise that kindness and patience both ways are your best route out of this.
When you're pregnant you want extra emotional support but sometimes the timing is all wrong and the relationship needs a little healing before that can fully flow. To bridge the gap do you have support elsewhere from family or anything?

orangejuicer · 16/11/2021 07:59

If you want to save the relationship then I'd do as PP have said and have a chat before he goes. You don't need to capitulate but maybe agree to chat when he gets back.

Original poster

mildredhubble48 · 16/11/2021 08:29

I suppose I've gone into that incredibly childish way of thinking that if he's happy to go off without making amends then why should I bother? Very unhelpful but I just think he is so used to be being the one to approach him that he's sat there content in his little sulk when he's the one who (on this occasion at least) has been an arse.

We haven't even been married that long. It seems awfully hard work.

OP posts:

BaconMassive · 16/11/2021 08:35

Guess you just have to make a mental note of how bad this moment is and then think whether you'd want it to repeat every ten weeks or so for the rest of your life.

I mean it could just be a bad patch so probably smooth this one over and carry on but it would be raising a small flag now and if it continues regularly then to consider options, otherwise suddenly it'll be ten years down the line, a lot of time and energy will have slipped away and if it's not going to work you might as well save that time and emotion.

girlmom21 · 16/11/2021 08:42

You're newly married and have a baby on the way. You both need to grow up and communicate like adults.

Double3xposure · 16/11/2021 08:42

@BaconMassive

Guess you just have to make a mental note of how bad this moment is and then think whether you'd want it to repeat every ten weeks or so for the rest of your life.

This. It shouldn’t be this hard a few months in.

Life I’m afraid is full of family issues and work stresses. If he escalates every row and then sulks for days whenever you try to talk to him then there’s no hope for your marriage.

You need to be able to talk to each other about issues. If he pulls this stunt every time then you have no way of doing so. Yes it gets him his own way in the short term ( you shut up and swallow your feelings, he gets to flounce off and you are forced to apologise to fix the bad atmosphere ) but it’s disastrous in the long term .

Capricornandproud · 16/11/2021 08:56

I was always the peacemaker here as I hate a bad atmosphere, especially around my son. Then one time I didn’t cave. He would blow up loudly, aggressively, disproportionately every time over his laziness.

A fortnight later after 12 years we split up! And I still haven’t apologised. Best decision ever.

BaconMassive · 16/11/2021 09:21

So definitely best nip this in the bud now.

"This sulking, is not how it's going to be"

Original poster

mildredhubble48 · 16/11/2021 09:21

Overall we are happy. This isn't a common thing - we do bicker a lot but the blazing rows and silences are thankfully few and far between. But when they do happen it's always me who makes peace.

OP posts:

Rubadubdub21 · 16/11/2021 09:27

One of you need to grow up and talk.

Rubadubdub21 · 16/11/2021 09:30

Actually both of you. Marriages don't work without communication. Its about to get a whole lot harder having a baby

billy1966 · 16/11/2021 10:00

OP,

I think you need to give your head one heck of a wobble.

You have made a huge mistake marrying a sulky man who expects YOU to cajole and humour him out of it, even when he has behaved badly.

What way were you reared that you think this is a healthy dynamic to bring a baby into?

Things are going to get a whole lot harder for you with a baby.

You need to start looking at your relationship and realise that his sulky behaviour and silences can very easily tip into emotionally abusive behaviour if you continue to tolerate it.

He will heap as much shitty behaviour on you as you will take.

Do NOT give up your job under any circumstances.

Men who sulk and use petulance to control their partner make shit husbands and worse fathers.

I would be suggesting you get yourself some counselling to help you become stronger in yourself and to establish healthy boundaries.

Continue to allow this behaviour and his shoddy treatment of you and you will bitterly regret marrying him.

Apologies for the grim post but you need to look hard at this.

billy1966 · 16/11/2021 10:02

Oh, and I strongly suggest you search for the threads of women stuck with sulky/moody/silent husbands and read the absolute misery of their lives, if you doubt what I have written.

Original poster

mildredhubble48 · 16/11/2021 11:13

@billy1966 wow that was a grim read. I totally see where you're coming from and if this was the norm I would not be putting up with it. Luckily it doesn't happen often. I think I'm more annoyed this time because he's due to go away and while I'm stewing and worrying about making amends before he leaves, he would probably quite easily go. He's stubborn like that whereas I guess I'm more emotional.

We have a good relationship overall but the pressures of the past few years have taken their toll recently and things haven't been great. It's not always a LTB situation though. Sometimes things just need work and communication.

OP posts:

MizzFizz · 16/11/2021 11:17

I would look into couples counseling now, before the baby comes. My husband and I were rock solid for 11 years before having kids, and having a newborn really threw us for a loop. The more communication and conflict resolution skills you can work on together now, before baby comes, the better.

TurnUpTurnip · 16/11/2021 11:20

Did you try to speak them him? And he ignore you or both of you didn’t speak? As then it’s not him ignoring you he might think you are doing the same?

Tal45 · 16/11/2021 11:21

Yeah sounds like he's a poor communicator and that won't get better on it's own. He sounds sulky, childish and immature and like he never thinks he's in the wrong thus you always feeling the need to be the one to make the peace. I'd say this is only ever going to get worse, it did in my case anyway.
How long have you been together? I don't think you've said?

Hankunamatata · 16/11/2021 11:23

OP we have been in marriage counselling twice. Once like yourself not long after being married and then after dc1. We didn't know how to communicate without me having dramatics and him sulking/shutting down. We had grown up with very different parenting styles. His parents never argued bit never talked either it was all silence and sulking. Mine were blow up argue then calm and apologise and talk. So we were really incompatible on that front. Counselling really helped. We both had individual then we did joint.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/11/2021 11:28

My motto was always not to go to bed on an argument/ leave on a sour note

My exh however had other ideas, and gloried in doing so, particularly once he got wind of the fact that I hated it.

LittleDandelionClock · 16/11/2021 11:33

@mildredhubble48

We haven't even been married that long. It seems awfully hard work.

It's not going to get easier, when you're married to a man child who would go off for a few days in a huff, and leave his pregnant wife to suffer this destructive and uber-passive aggressive silent treatment. He is being emotionally abusive, and he won't change. Pregnant or not, I'm afraid I would be looking for an exit from this marriage.

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