Help me with my fear of the school Mums!

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I posted on here about an incident with my adhd son, having alienated his friends and one more significant incident where he was bullying/inappropriate with one of them online and the parents told us about it.

It’s been about 3 weeks, and he is on a sports team with these kids, it was arranged before this all happened when he was still friendly with them all. For one reason or another, he hasn’t been able to go due to injury and weather. I’ve been so relieved.

He’s not in a great place, we’re trialling a new medication which is seeming to make him pretty irritable.

I can’t face these parents after what happened and I am so, so nervous he’s going to have a meltdown. I feel judged as a parent and know the boys don’t like my son and their parents think he’s a bad kid. I want to pull him out of the team, but if I’m honest, a good part of that is my own selfish feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment.

Nothing actually has gone wrong, but it could. I don’t know what the right thing is.

He wants to play for what it’s worth.

He also oscillates between calling them his friends and saying everyone hates him. Sadly I think the latter is more accurate. They talk to him at school but live very nearby and socialise together, he’s never invited anymore, and the other parents carpool for this sport, it’s rather apparent they don’t want him to join, they have a spare seat.

They’ve also (politely) declined any offers I’ve made to have the kids over. White lies that I’ve known aren’t true. It’s so awkward, I just want to run away.

My AIBU is whether I should pull him off the team.

I’m so sorry, I don’t have useful advice (but I’m sure someone who does will be along soon) but really feel for you and your son. You sound like a lovely mum in a crappy situation and I understand the anxiety. So, just sending solidarity.

Thank you, it’s really hard! The coach is also one of the Mums who doesn’t like us. I saw her out walking her dog and she hid from me. It just feels awful.

If it was me I would keep him on the team and brazen it out. I know it's hard to return especially when you feel so isolated and it may take a few weeks to be re-accepted back but there will be a friendly smile or a kindness from someone. Be kind to yourself meanwhile.

If none of the others like him then is he really going to enjoy trying to be on the team with them? Probably best to know where you’re not wanted

Do you have a group WhatsApp or similar that you could put a message on explaining your sons situation, that you’re trialling new medication and you’re sorry how this has affected other children but you really want your son to fit in, have friends etc. Then you’ve cleared the air, showed that you care and can then concentrate on your son at the sport. Parents need reminding that everyone’s situations are different and to consider how they might feel if it was their son. They might not all be welcoming but I’m sure at least a few will understand the difficulties you face and will have some empathy.

I have a friend with a son who has adhd. We became friends because my son and her son are friends. There are times that her child can be mean to my son and I do tell him he doesn’t have to be friends with him if he doesn’t want to. As they’ve got older this is mainly when they’ve both had a long day in each other company, and it’s becoming less often.

But anyway I decided not to turn my back on my now friend, as clearly adhd is not something that can be helped. She is ostracised from all the other parents at school. This makes her and her son defensive and stokes the tension IMO.

I think what helped us become friends and helped our children to remain friends was her being open and honest, and not trying to force a NT friendship. Our children don’t go to the same school anymore, we meet either outside for long walks and less stimulating environments, which keeps everyone calm, or at her home. Where the familiar helps her son stay calm.

I cannot begin to have this child in my home because I wouldn’t know where to start to manage him. My sons behaviour at home can become strange when we have guests because he doesn’t cope with outsiders in the house, so it’s a complex friendship to say the least!

Knowing what I know about my son’s friend I wouldn’t try to force ‘team’ like sporting friendships. Not everyone is cut out for it NT or not, I would try to figure out a new path and maybe reach out to any parents of children who sometimes play with your son, and be honest and say you don’t expect a proper NT friendship but could some acceptable middle ground be reached? I think a lot of people are just too frightened of the unfamiliar.

I’m don’t know if that’s helpful advice or not, but removing the pressure of forcing friendships where it’s unlikely to happen may improve both your moods?

Could an option be another team elsewhere where he doesn’t have the reputation? Then he could start new without all the children knowing about the issues that caused problems. Or wait until the medication is working so he’s less irritable (is it that you’re worried about, that he might be pushed into a meltdown because of the new meds?)

I absolutely keep him on the team if he is still enthusiastic, otherwise you are punishing him for having ADHD and it is NOT his fault.

I would send a message individually to each parent to inform them of his diagnosis and asking for their understanding, but not expecting a reply, simply stating the facts and explaining his condition and that you expect him to be treated with kindness. Do not ask questions or expect them to suddenly start inviting him into the carpool, but you can make your feelings crystal clear about your expectations of at least being civil and inclusive.

I would then contact the coach and explain it all to her/him, and ask for their support in dealing with this as you are feeling worried, they can keep any eye on things for you.

Lastly make sure you are there at every match to cheer him on, take a friend/dh/fellow support so you do not have to make conversation with the other parents if they are not willing.

Stand by your son, he needs your support and to know you have his back. It might be hard and difficult for you, but big pants on, look them in the eye and know your son is watching how you handle this, so he can manage his own life better going forward.

Also start to invite other children over, move on from this group.

Gee they sound like miserable parents. Part of parenting is encouraging children to be inclusive. He is a kid, of course he deserves another chance. But if the parents are so vacuous I don't like the kids' chances of behaving kindly.

Maybe give it a go and see how it pans out?

I know it's hard, but as a parent your job is to teach him resilience. As a child with ADHD this won't be the last time things are tricky for him socially - you need to teach him coping skills.

He should carry on going to the sport, not just give up on all his friends. Has he sincerely apologised to them? That might help, although again it won't be easy. A few weeks of going to sport and things will get back to normal again.

I read your pp and I feel for you both.
In an ideal world the other children and their parents would be inclusive and understanding of your son.
However, we don't live in an ideal world, the other parents understanding is that your DS is a bully and has behaved inappropriately, their job as parents is to protect their DC as you would if another DC was bullying your DS.
Throw adhd into the mix which a lot of people don't understand / have no experience of and it has them running for the hills.
Could you get DS into another sport or club, a fresh start?
Unfortunately you can't force friendship, even if you could explain to the parents the issues with DS, the damage is probably already done, the chances are the other DC will still not want to be friends.
I feel for you, I really do, I hope your situation improves ❤️

Don't teach your children to give up and give in, teach them how to fix things, apologise for mistakes move on and show strength.

Thank you. I do want a fresh start, but until we get him sorted a bit better, we’ll just keep burning through fresh starts until there’s none left. It’s a shortened season due to Covid anyway, so we should probably tough it out for a few weeks and then not sign up again.

Yes, I’m worried about the medicine making things worse than usual. He becomes very agitated when it wears off, right when the match is scheduled. I might try delaying the dose tomorrow.

I don’t know if the medication is helpful or making things worse. He’s nicer and more thoughtful, but way more hyper and a motormouth. But he’s sleeping for the first time ever in his life.

Poor thing, it sounds like life is a struggle for him as it is. You can deal with a few mothers op, they are just people, you can be the grown up here. The fact you are even thinking about pulling him out is really sad, what is that going to teach him?

Whilst you are adjusting the meds, ask for peoples' understanding. You are trying to get him on an even keel, this will be easier to do if you had some support, but you don't need it, you can manage without.

Hiya. My son has ADHD and I could have written your post.

He's always the bad one, even when the other children deliberately provoke him (who doesn't love the extreme reaction when an ADHDer loses it, and the trouble you can get them in, right?) He's got no filter. No 'think" first. Is impulsive, impetuous, and misunderstood.

However, on balance, some days, he is horrendous. He can be unkind. Spiteful. Hold grudges. Be relentlessly irritating. And a lot is a defence or reactionary mechanism, but it's not conducive to having friends.

It's so hard, because yes, we're always trying to teach our children to accept everyone. But accept does not mean "force to play with, force to have a friendship with.". My son can be deeply unlikeable. Just because it's not his fault, does not change this. Other children should be able to accept it's not his fault, yes, but they are well within their rights to choose to go nowhere near him. And given his behaviour (again not his fault) 95% of the time, I don't blame them for not wanting to be around him.

I'd use your judgement call on this one. He might want to play. What happens when he's not included in the game. Others don't pass to him. The other mother's talking about his bullying. Is this all really worth it when you weigh up the pros and cons?

Mine came out of team based sports about 4 years ago. Exactly because of this. It was too much of a battle. Other children were nasty little shites to be honest, winding him up when they thought no one was looking, in order to watch him go off like a firework. They got caught by the coach (calling him "feral" and "scum" when they thought no adults were in earshot). The coach told their mothers what he'd caught them doing. The mother's didn't want to hear it. Their little darlings wouldn't do that. They did. And by then mine had lost it and kicked a ball hard at one of the kids heads. So the focus of course was deflected by them to that. I know it's not right, but who gained in that scenario? Him? Me? Would it have been better if we'd stayed home? Yes. He does golf now.

I think you're feeling so uneasy because you know this isn't going to go well for your child, it's not the best environment for him to be in. I would probably try it and see how it goes but but prepared not to go back.

Another whose child has ADHD. I wouldn't send him. We have had so many melt-downs and awful behavior when the medication is wearing off or being adjusted that I make sure we are home, in a calm environment until the behavior passes or the medication is stabilised. We explain it to DC and plan around it.

Go back, hold your head high you're sorting it and working with him.
Most parents will understand none of us are perfect.

Plus, you are both worth more than trying to fit in with people who hide to avoid you.