Help me with my fear of the school Mums!

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I posted on here about an incident with my adhd son, having alienated his friends and one more significant incident where he was bullying/inappropriate with one of them online and the parents told us about it.

It’s been about 3 weeks, and he is on a sports team with these kids, it was arranged before this all happened when he was still friendly with them all. For one reason or another, he hasn’t been able to go due to injury and weather. I’ve been so relieved.

He’s not in a great place, we’re trialling a new medication which is seeming to make him pretty irritable.

I can’t face these parents after what happened and I am so, so nervous he’s going to have a meltdown. I feel judged as a parent and know the boys don’t like my son and their parents think he’s a bad kid. I want to pull him out of the team, but if I’m honest, a good part of that is my own selfish feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment.

Nothing actually has gone wrong, but it could. I don’t know what the right thing is.

He wants to play for what it’s worth.

Sorry you are going through this. It's not your fault and you sound like a lovely mum. I would honestly just take him out of the team. It's awful being somewhere, when nobody wants you there. If your ds is not feeling himself due to the meds, he may not we well received when he rejoins. It's tough, but it's neither of your fault.

The kids will be fine - they'll have forgotten about in in days. The parents though like to keep things stewing.

I'd look for a different team.

Most parents will understand none of us are perfect ha ha. If only.

Hi, I remember your last post and was wondering how things had worked out.

I was going to suggest having a word with the coach to give them a heads up but I can see that it is one of the mums. And that she has avoided you.

Do you think that your son will cope with the sport without having a meltdown? Or is there a danger of it being triggered again?

Maybe approach the coach anyway. Surely children's sports need to be inclusive and adjustments made where possible. If it's something like football or hockey, could your son go on for some time but be substituted if it looks like he's struggling. Could you try to talk to her about being inclusive and supportive in this way? You watch and let her know if he's starting to struggle? She might be more responsive in a 'professional' 1 to 1 conversation.

And if it is a team sport with 11 or more on the team, then there will be other mums there, not just this group.

One or two might be a lot nicer than you expect.

I think, if you can find the resilience, give the sports team a go.
In an ideal world, sports would be a place where everyone should be able to put aside their differences and to literally be on a level playing field.
If your son enjoys the sport, can conform to required behaviour etc whilst training and playing, then he has the right to be there just as much as the others.
It might not build any bridges in terms of friendships for him or you, but he shouldn't be excluded.
It won't be easy though to turn up, it'll take courage. Good luck.

Their priority is their children: yours should be your own. I would definitely pull him out for his own MH and find another club for him.

I would do a few things:

1. Read about how to help kids cope with the feeling that "everyone hates me"... there are some great resources out there that can help kids to deal with those fears to help prevent a self-perpetuating cycle of fear/insecurity/acting out. www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/6-things-to-do-when-your-child-says-nobody-likes-me/ or www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/growing-friendships/201703/when-your-child-says-nobody-likes-me
2. Message the group to explain his diagnosis, what it can mean in terms of behaviour, that you're working on getting his medication right to help.
3. Keep going to the games, hold your head high knowing you're being the best mum for your boy. Focus on your son, and allow time and space to heal the situation. Don't rush it... you may be an outsider for a little while but just allow some time.

Also, to add, I was that kid. Until about 11-12 when I changed schools and had a new cohort of kids to make friends with, with whom I fit in much better. I also had caught up on social skills by that age. It can be hard. I sincerely wish I would have been able to reframe my feeling of "everyone hates me" when I was younger, because I felt like an outsider for a long long time (still do sometimes)(I'm on a wait list to be assessed for adult ADHD, never diagnosed as a child despite a lot of warning signs... people didn't want their kids "labelled" back then).

Your post really hit me hard. I don't have anything useful to add, just that my 6 year old got diagnosed with ADHD last week and I can see this being us in the future. He has quite severe ADHD and will most likely need medication soon.

It's so hard and I can relate

I think dont send him. It will be a source of anxiety for everyone. There's probably another sport he could do which doesnt involve mixing with the people from school which will be better for everyone in the long run. I dont think it will help your son make friends if parents are being put off him during these matches. I agree with above poster about solo sports being better for at least the time being. How about trampolining, skateboaring, swimming.. find something to replace it with.

If you leave it will be hard to go back once he has left, so I’m tempted to say tough it out until the end of the season. If it’s really not working you can always stop going sooner.
Are the other parents aware he has ADHD? Can you get a message to the other parents to say the effects of the medication so at least they are aware?

Keep him on the team and stare them down.

You've spent the last few weeks worrying about it, they probably forgot about it after 10 minutes. Honestly, I wouldn't worry.

I assume they know your ds needs a bit of support. They should all understand.

So he’s hurt himself falling over and can’t play for at least 3 weeks.
I did message the coach/avoiding mother. I told her about his diagnosis too, as well as the injury. Maybe she’ll stop jumping into bushes to avoid me knowing it’s a diagnosed condition, not that he’s a bad seed and I’m a bad Mum. Maybe not but, I’m trying to show him I’m not ashamed and neither should he be, part of that is being open about it.

But it’s hard and I’m so worried about him, and for him too.

She responded: “all good xx”

So it feels a bit better to have it explicitly out in the open. I’m surprised to feel relieved about that.

That sounds ok @SquarePeggyLeggy and the pressure is off for another couple of weeks too.

Yes, but m hoping we can get down to just one or two games and then not go back

Go back
And let him be on the team
But be open and honest with the mums about your kid's condition/medication situation
To try and get a bit more understanding
But also talk with your kid. Explain that if he behaves the way he does youll have to pull him off the team.

Is it football? My DS is older now and doesn’t have ADHD but still had plenty of meltdowns, tantrums, confrontations at football matches and training, as did the others. It comes with the territory. It’s easy to get frustrated at mistakes and losing. A lot of boys used to cry. We used to give DS a pep talk before each session but whilst he was out there playing it soon got forgotten!
He played from age 7-14. How old is your DS, I know you’ve said he’s been inappropriate but competitive sports can cause kids to kick off.

@ColinTheKoala - the kids will not necessarily be 'fine' having been on the receiving end of bullying.
As a parent of a child who HAS been on the receiving end of bullying from Reception to Y2, which culminated in an attack on my 6 year old last week, I can assure you my DD is not 'fine'. If the bully's parent wrote to me to tell me their child had ADHD I wouldn't think 'oh well, hey ho, they can carry on degrading and attacking by child then'. FFS.

Sadly when you a parent to ND kids, you need to develop a VERY thick skin. If your boy wants to play on the team, I would toughen up and face up to the other parents and explain his challenges. There will be some of them who'll try to understand and others who won't. That's life. Good luck

100% agree. He was trash talking during online gaming which upset the other kid. Bullying is not on and he is facing very severe consequences and restrictions and has apologised by letter and in person to the child in question. So please don’t think we are using the adhd as an excuse, it’s an explanation but doesn’t by any means mean it’s acceptable. I’m sorry to hear about your little one, I hope the other parents are also taking it seriously and attempting to fix the behaviour, as we are.
Yes, a lot of the NT kids have meltdowns and tantrums during the sport too, it has happened. But my kid is now under a cloud with this stuff, so won’t be as understood if it happens, even within the normal range, if you see what I mean? The coach’s son also has some questionable behaviour, but he’s much better at being sneaky about it, so she doesn’t seem to notice/correct it. Whereas everyone’s eyes will be on my son!
His therapist has now recommended for removing him this year and aiming for next year, she feels his social skills are too lacking and we need to work on that first (I agree). She also very euphemistically said that the ages 11-15 are pretty awful for a lot of boys, without her gear added challenges.
We’ll be doing athletics.

*these added challenges. I wish we could edit!!!!!

Because with athletics, he’s only competing against himself. He may still meltdown but it won’t be aimed at others.

You have my sympathy.
Tbf lots of DC that age trash talk, it all depends on how popular they are.
A boy in DD's class done it last year they all had their pitchforks, I reminded DD that the others are bullying too masked in humour.
The boy got very depressed, thankfully it is all put to bed now.
Athletics will be great for him, it's so hard for you.