To be upset that my partner doesn't want marriage or children?

[deathofanoptimist]

A bit of context.

I have three boys from a previous relationship. He has a boy from a previous relationship.

His current circumstances surrounding his ex and son aren't great. She wants to move away and start a life with her new partner. The courts are becoming involved, it's just a mess.

A couple of months ago I suffered an early miscarriage. Though the pregnancy was not expected, it hit me more than I thought it was. I was sad. I still am sad. There was no emotion from him, but I guess I knew he was relieved.

It's since come up in conversation, I'll drop the idea of us having a child together, the idea of marriage. It's been shut down.

I completely understand that this custody battle is making him feel like shit. I've been doing what I can to try and support/facilitate. This has been an ongoing issue since we first met, there's never been any break from it.

But for some reason, I just feel grief at the concept that I won't be having a child with him. Like, it feels like actual grief. I almost feel as though our relationship just consists of going through this shitty time with his ex and there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't have any friends to talk to about this, so I can't seem to get a grasp on if my feelings right now are unreasonable.

Opinions would be most appreciated, because I just don't know how to shake this feeling/move forward.

Please be gentle - clearly hormonal/over emotional haha!

I think you need to work out why you want a baby with him so bad.

And what about marriage do you want.

I don't want kids with my dp. I already have 2 and don't want to get married. There's many reasons. But essentially I just don't want to be legally tied to anyone and dont want small kids again.

If you really want another child and get married you need to consider ending the relationship and finding someone else to do this with.

He isn't wrong either. You just need make your choice.

Given his ex is causing issues and these seems to be taking over your life, are you sure you want to tie yourself to him?

You've already got 3 dc! All boys! Why on earth would you want another child? When his boy visits, there will be 4 children in the house. Tbh, you need to slow down and calm down. Enjoy what you've got. A good relationship between two people is valuable in itself. I think you're a bit unreasonable, tbh.

So sorry to hear about your loss OP

How long have you two been together?

It's it the lack of marriage that youre upset about, the no children between you, or both?

I guess there's a conversation and a decision to be made here. If he's adamant he doesn't want to get married or have any more kids then it's up to you what you would like to do with that information.

I assume there must be some positives to being with him and not just "going through this shitty time with his ex" otherwise why be with him at all?

Give yourself a chance to think everything through though as of course with the miscarriage and the court battles it may be hard to see things clearly atm. You don't have to stay with him if you feel like you won't be happy in the long run

How long have you been together?

He's going through what sounds like an incredibly stressful time at the moment. Understandably, his plate is full. It's the wrong time to bring up getting married or having a child.

You both already have children - four between you. Consider whether it's right for them to give them another sibling, and not just about whether you want one.

Ultimately if you really want marriage and a child with a new partner then I don't think this relationship is right for you at the moment.

Thanks all.

Yeah, I can see why people would think I'm mental for wanting more children.

I think it comes down to loving being a parent. My children are my total happiness. Everything evolves around them.

I'm only 30. Im studying from home, doing a law degree. I guess maybe I'm just on panic mode because I know in five years time I'll be finally going into a career. I've essentially done my life backwards. Had children first, then career after.

We've been together a couple of years. And you're right, of course there are positives to our relationship. I just think that as time goes on and court becomes ever closer, it's becoming more intense and is taking over the entire of our relationship.

I actually get on very well with his ex. I've always been one to keep things positive for everyone involved in any scenario.

But yes, I guess I need to make a decision on what I do with that information. Maybe the miscarriage is playing havoc with my brain and not allowing me to think rationally.

AIBU probably isn't the place to post if you want people to be gentle.

You should perhaps move this to Relationships.

I think, from a purely detached, logical pov, I would say you already have 4 children between you. I totally understand his thinking - even without the custody battle and clearly very difficult circumstances he is in.
I realise, with your loss, you will be approaching this from an even more emotional viewpoint than what would be a situation that already involves emotions, which is why I don't think AIBU is a great place to be posting.

I am new to Mumsnet so was unsure of where to post.

In all honesty, maybe I need to harshness to snap me out of this stupid feeling I have.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I think you are grieving the miscarriage and that is perfectly normal. An unplanned pregnancy during a stressful time can seem too much more stress, so I understand your partner felt relieved because he probably cannot cope with thought of bringing a new baby into an already messy situation. So you are also grieving about not only how the baby is gone, and that there will be no trying for another one. So give yourself time and space to work through the loss. I wouldn’t make any life decisions right now.

Going through a hostile divorce does put people off remarriage...sometimes temporarily but sometimes permanently. So it’s understandable that now is not the time to talk about marriage.

You are stuck in the mess with him and his battle with his ex-wife and divorces are long, drawn out messy affairs. Realistically though, they do end. And some people do go on to remarry.

I’d give yourself a few months to grieve, him a few months to hopefully do some fire control on the divorce and then re-assess. If his ongoing battle with his ex looks to be one that be an ongoing obsession and will endure post divorce, you have every right to end the relationship. No one is an infinite well of support, everyone deserves a relationship that is to their mutual benefit. If you decide you definitely are not done having children, you also can leave the relationship.

None of your feelings are unreasonable. I’d just give yourself time to fully grieve, give him time to think about a future with you, and then have a heart to heart about your future as a couple. You’re both going through very difficult crises at the moment. Wait for a calm time. Perhaps put a note to self for February and then think where am I compared to November? Better, worse, is there a future?

I wonder if the issue is that the custody battle, which sounds all consuming to him, is making you feel insecure?
You're craving a child and marriage but do you actually want those things for yourself or do you just want him to want them to prove that you matter to him?
It must be tough standing by watching him going through all that mess!

Don’t underestimate the impact that your miscarriage will be having on your emotions just now. It’s normal that you’re feeling a type of grief right now. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself some time.

I would personally be moving on and trying to find a man who wants a real, secure future with me. You clearly would like another kid or just a partner open to exploring that and marriage. I think it will just fester and get bitter and resentful if you stay.

I don’t think anyone should tell you how many kids you should have and when to stop or tell you you’re unreasonable for wanting x number of kids or whether or not you should get married or just be «satisfied with what you have».
In ten years time, when having a kid is much more difficult, you will be the only one having regrets if you do look back and think that you should have gone ahead and had one more.

Nothing wrong with him not wanting more kids or not wanting to get married either.
But if your values, plans and visions don’t align, I would personally break it off.

Op how easy do you think it will be to finish your law degree, with baby and 4 kids between you?

What would happen if you split after you had that baby?

If you try and take the emotional out of it, do you really want a baby? Is that really a good idea?

I would also guess this about wanting something more from the relationship, a statement of commitment and/or to the emotions of your MC.

@DollyParton2

I would personally be moving on and trying to find a man who wants a real, secure future with me. You clearly would like another kid or just a partner open to exploring that and marriage. I think it will just fester and get bitter and resentful if you stay.

This!

I have to agree with pp - you have four children between you, that's plenty to be getting on with. Are you feeling insecure about your relationship and think that a child will cement you together somehow? If that's the reason that's a terrible reason to have/want another child..

I had an ectopic at a point where I really didn’t want children and I think I mourned it for a long time. It took me months to get over and I seriously absolutely did not want kids. I ended up being very focussed on getting pregnant again. None if it really made any sense to me afterwards I think it was hormones and a sense of loss.

Could it be something like that? Also you have 3 and he has 1, thats quite a few kids, plus your studying. I really wouldn’t.

I will never marry again. Never. It doesn't matter how much I love my partner, how committed I may be, how committed my partner may appear to be. I have found out that people may change and I have experienced personally how much damage a divorce can do to years and years of saving and care, how little the actual personal circumstances of divorce matter to the courts.

Never again will I put myself in that kind of situation -- whoever the partner may be.

I think he probably feels the same.

@DollyParton2

I would personally be moving on and trying to find a man who wants a real, secure future with me. You clearly would like another kid or just a partner open to exploring that and marriage. I think it will just fester and get bitter and resentful if you stay.

It's not like the OP is 30 with no children and her partner had just told her he doesn't want children or marriage ever 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally if I was facing a long protracted legal battle to see a child i already had I wouldn't be planning on kids with anyone else - I'm not a father but it must feel very vulnerable at times as the majority of kids stay with the mother and so the mother will generally wield much greater power and control

I would agree with pp but also add that I work in law, it's demanding and you need to put in the hours once you qualify to get anywhere adding another baby really won't help. Why not focus on your career and the four kids you already have between you

You have three children & he already has one of his own. Yabu.

You don't need a child together to cement a relationship.

I think it's a good sign about him as a person that he's focussed on his current custody situation rather than wanting to have another baby with you to start over again.

I would compromise on the children as you already have four between you. But the marriage would be a hard limit for me. Is it possible that he's just not ready to think about another marriage while he's in the middle of a custody battle? Have you mentioned that you wouldn't expect a huge wedding, that you just want to be legally married?

@deathofanoptimist

Thanks all.

Yeah, I can see why people would think I'm mental for wanting more children.

I think it comes down to loving being a parent. My children are my total happiness. Everything evolves around them.

I'm only 30. Im studying from home, doing a law degree. I guess maybe I'm just on panic mode because I know in five years time I'll be finally going into a career. I've essentially done my life backwards. Had children first, then career after.

We've been together a couple of years. And you're right, of course there are positives to our relationship. I just think that as time goes on and court becomes ever closer, it's becoming more intense and is taking over the entire of our relationship.

I actually get on very well with his ex. I've always been one to keep things positive for everyone involved in any scenario.

But yes, I guess I need to make a decision on what I do with that information. Maybe the miscarriage is playing havoc with my brain and not allowing me to think rationally.

Given you already have 4 children between you, and you are about to embark on one of the worst professions for work life balance in my opinion, you'd be mad to add to it. Love being a parent to the children you have x

Lots, of comments - Thank you!

Yes, maybe the custody battle is having an impact on some level in terms of insecurity. As much as I get on with his ex, it's most probably inevitable that the consent conversations about his ex will take its toll on how I feel about things.

In terms of adding another child to the mix, post degree, this may well be naivety on my part. However, my three children I have raised pretty much alone. As I said, I take huge joy out of raising children.

I think there is also an element of frustration too. My partner's views are tainted by his experience(s) with his ex. I feel frustrated that maybe it's automatically assumed that the same will happen with me. I don't know.

But yes, even talking about this out loud (or typing...) is helping me process my thoughts a bit better as opposed to keeping it all in and it festering.

I do need to allow myself some time to grieve for the miscarriage. I just need to accept that the grieving will be done alone.

I just would like to clarify also that he's never been married before. So I'm unsure of where this anti-marriage has come from.

Good to see some advice surrounding the career too. I guess I need to be channelling my energy into this and looking forward at the change that will happen! Not just for me, but my children too.

"it's most probably inevitable that the consent conversations about his ex will take its toll on how I feel about things."

that should say constant not consent. I'm rubbish at this